Cullen the Horde
by izzzyy
Summary: CRACKFIC - Forks has been infested with zombies, and it's up to the Cullens, as always, to save humanity.
1. Dead by Dawn

_**Do not own. Just enjoy zombies and sparklepires.**_

**Rosalie POV:**

I should have known that Forks would be the setting for the beginning of the end. Fucking humans. I personally thought Mike Newton triggered it with his general annoyingness, but it turns out I was wrong.

Forks is pretty much gone, at least the "city" itself. The woods are teeming with infected, both human and animal. The contamination stayed local for a few days, but spread up into Canada and into the Midwest. It was only a matter of time before it would cross the oceans and spreads indefinitely.

I had never been big on humans, even when I was one, but I always thought Chief Swan was a pretty good guy. I'd never have guessed this was his fault, but that's what the FBI says. Bella' came to stay with us, of course. Edward insisted we protect her, but I stayed out of the house a lot.

Emmett liked her. It was infuriating, seeing my husband respond so well to her human idiocy, but I shouldn't have been surprised. He thought _Friday the 13th_ was funny. My beloved was a strange, strange vampire. So not only was our house the headquarters of the Bella Swan Fan Club, my un-life-mate was a card carrying member.

Fucking zombies.

_One Month Earlier_

"Cool, a chili cook off!" Emmett's voice was annoyingly enthusiastic as he eyed the bright yellow poster near the town library.

"Why the hell are you so excited?" I hissed at him. "We don't even eat chili!"

"Yeah, but look at the prizes! A trip to Seattle for two, dinner at the diner for a month… It'd be fun Rose, come on!"

I rolled my eyes, checking my reflection in the window. "Emmett, the last time we cooked, you waved the knife like a psycho and I broke a bowl because of stupid Bella. Again – what would you do with free dinner at the diner for a month?"

He scowled, his anger looking funny on his adorable face. "Rosalie, I'm pretty sure you just don't want me to have any fun, ever." He crossed his bulky arms over his blue sweater, looking sullen. I unconsciously licked my lips.

"I'm pretty sure I like _some_ of your fun, Emmett Cullen…" my mind started to wander and I took his hand, leading him back to my red convertible.

Ugh, the kitchen smelled disgusting. Emmett and I had our fun, and then he took the chili challenge to heart. The whole town had gone chili crazy. Esme jumped into the fray, raiding her herb garden to help Emmett find the perfect flavor.

Bella leaned in, sniffing the pot on the stove before pulling back, looking alarmed. "No. Mint Chocolate Chili is definitely not the winning combination, Emmett. I'm not even tasting that one."

My husband looked rueful, standing in a pink frilly apron with a poufy sous-chef-style hat. He quickly dumped the contents of the pot in the trash, rinsing it out and preparing for another mix.

"I still don't see why you can't help him, Bella." I rolled my eyes, knowing I sounded bitchy, but not particularly caring. Perched on the countertop, I idly threw an uncut onion back and forth between my hands.

Bella sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. Yep, she'd definitely been around my dear brother far too long. "I told you, Rose – Billy and my Dad are competing as well, and I swore I wouldn't show favorites or help anyone. If I wanted to win, I'd just make my own and kick everyone's ass."

I'd have been annoyed, but it was still weird to see Bella have confidence about anything, so I let her arrogance slide. Besides, from what I remembered, her human food smelled pretty good.

I hopped down from the counter, still rolling my eyes, and wandered up the stairs. Maybe Alice and I could go shopping while Emmett was busy pretending to be the Swedish Chef. Hey, in some ways it was an improvement over his Animal impression.

_Two weeks later – Cook Off Day – Z-Day 0_

**Emmett POV:**

I don't care what Rosie said, this was fun, and it made us look normal, participating in a town event.

I totally cheated. I cut up onions, peppers, tomatoes and mushrooms, browned some ground turkey and threw it all together with some Mexene. Topping it with cheddar cheese and sour cream, I presented it to the judges with a slice of cornbread. Ignorance really is bliss.

They loved it! I got second place, a gift bag and some free dinners for me and Rosie! I asked if I could give them to Bella and her Dad, since they ate there once a week, and the judges said yes. Rose looked relieved – she hated pretending to eat at school, much less in the general public.

Charlie's chili didn't go over as well. One judge, Angela Weber's mother, took a few bites before she ran to the trash and dumped out the rest. Billy Black's was okay, but Jessica Stanley surprised us all by taking top prize with a sweet chocolate chili that the judges loved. I knew I was on to something with chocolate, but I had to admit – hers was much better than mine. Maybe the mint was a bad idea.

Esme took a gazillion pictures of everyone around town and me with my red ribbon and gift certificates. Most of Forks was there, munching on snacks and enjoying the weather – Alice had tipped the organizers off on which dates would probably be sunny. We thought it was hilarious but the panel took her "hunches" seriously.

Bella and Edward were currently intertwined on a bright red blanket, looking disgustingly in love as always. I was beginning to understand how Edward felt being the odd man out all those years. If I didn't have Rosie, I'd kick Bella and Edward's asses for always looking so cozy. As it was, with all our houses breaking, Edward loved to remind me that I had no place to talk. Stupid smug siblings.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly. Once it got dark out, they were showing a scary movie on the side of the library – an impromptu, but fun, movie screen. This year they'd chosen Steven King's _The Shining._

_  
_Jack Nicholson was scary enough, even before you made him super huge. Rosalie rolled her eyes every time a girl shrieked and snuggled into her boyfriend, hiding her face, but she did squeeze me extra tight when Jack was wandering around the hedge maze.

It was a very pleasant, human-feeling evening, marred only by a disruption toward the end of the movie. Mrs. Weber ran to the trash and was violently ill. Alice looked concerned, but the rest of us took the chance to rib Charlie, telling him it was probably from his chili.

_Z-Day 2_

**Rosalie POV:**

I glanced around the cafeteria, slightly concerned by the lack of the student body, but mostly concerned by my body. It was a good body. The school was half empty, students and teachers alike out with a mysterious flu.

Bella looked like she was getting fat. Charlie had made good use of Emmett's prize, which was fine by me. I didn't have to listen to half the school fawn over her ass and I didn't have to pretend to eat that disgusting shrimp salad Emmett always insisted I order. I never liked shellfish, but he was adamant that it was what "young ladies of the time" ate. Whatever, Pooh Bear.

School was so boring. It was even worse with substitute teachers. I respected what they're trying to do and all, but no one learned anything from someone who was only around for a couple of days. It took the whole period for them to figure out what we were studying, and then class is over.

Eternity became a bit tedious when you were stuck pretending to be a dummy in a school full of sniffling idiots.

_Z-Day 4_

**Jasper POV:**

We skipped school, attending Mrs. Weber's funeral. It was very sad – she'd never recovered after feeling ill at the cook off and died in her sleep. The coroner was stumped – she had massive internal injuries and had basically bled to death before anyone knew anything was wrong.

I didn't know Angela well, but Bella did, and had asked me to attend the funeral and send some calm vibes. I didn't want to make anyone too peaceful – it was, after all, a funeral, but I figured if I could help someone cope on a difficult day, I'd be remiss not to use my talents.

Alice was troubled that she didn't see it coming. Emmett teased her by saying it was possible that Mrs. Weber's organs had decided to explode at the last minute. After an elbow to the nose, he stopped teasing my Pixie.

Bella was overwhelmed trying to console the inconsolable Angela. I couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a family member so suddenly, other than second hand, of course. It made me very grateful that my family was fairly indestructible. Watching Bella trip over her feet was worrisome enough.

The service was subdued and elegant. Angela held herself together remarkably well with my efforts, even smiling and telling stories about her mother over casserole someone brought. Honestly, what was it about bad food making hard events even worse? I just didn't get humans.

Bella and Edward had been fighting a lot lately. Ever since the James incident, she'd throw fit after fit demanding that he change her immediately. I had to admit, being Bella Swan was a very dangerous thing, but so far Edward was sticking to his guns, refusing to "damn" her to eternity with us. Granted, I wouldn't want to spend forever around Rosalie either if I were Bella, but that wasn't my choice.

Carlisle had been at the hospital for days, and Esme was worried about it. This flu epidemic had gotten out of control, with overflow from the hospital being taken to Port Angeles. Carlisle called to check in, sounding grim, but was worried that more people would die before it got better.

_Later that night_

**Edward POV:**

We were all gathered at the hospital in Carlisle's office. Emmett and I had gone on a hunting trip after the funeral and we both noticed something weird. We'd stayed local, hunting elk and deer near Forks. My first kill tasted a bit bitter, but the environment could change all sorts of systems in the body, so I assumed nothing. The second kill tasted worse, and the blood felt clotted, congealed.

Short of the occasional heart attack victim, blood flowed well in most animals. I began to watch the animals around us, noting the odd behaviors of a few. Sure enough, when I pounced, those animals had sticky, slow-moving blood.

Emmett dropped a deer mid-drain, internally mumbling that it tasted "icky." I ran over to him and we quickly departed, heading straight to the hospital as I called Alice.

Carlisle hurried in, closing the door behind him. He looked exhausted. He hadn't hunted in a week, and the circles under his eyes looked fitting in the face of the current medical disaster. He'd abandoned all pretenses, working 3 days straight with no breaks. The humans were curious how he did it, but they chalked it up to him being "simply amazing."

I filled the family in quickly, Emmett nodding behind me, muttering "icky" again. Rosalie half-smiled at her husband's childish nature, but Jasper looked nervous, and accidentally sent waves of anxiety to the rest of us.

"Jasper." Carlisle sounded semi-amused, smiling as Jasper looked apologetic and the cloud of panic vanished. "Thanks, son. Look, I have never seen anything like this before. What you're describing sounds like a blood-borne pathogen. Several of the patients here are showing similar symptoms. Something is effecting both populations at once."

The pager he wore on his belt beeped, and he rushed from the room without another word. I narrowed my eyes, listening to the thoughts around us. A young woman from the Quileute reservation had passed away. I frowned, noting my family's gaze.

"Amy Benshing just died. She'd only been sick since this morning."

**Rosalie POV:**

None of us really knew Amy Benshing, because she went to school on the reservation, but she seemed nice enough. That is, until she died. She passed away with internal bleeding, just like Angela's mother. Carlisle called the time of death, covered her face and went to talk to the family.

Ten minutes later, she came running out of her room, bit a nurse and ran out the door. And people think _I'm_ a bitch.

Carlisle and Edward ran after her at mostly human speed, trying hard not to arouse suspicion. Esme comforted the family, with Jasper standing behind her, trying to soothe everyone's confusion.

It wasn't working.

A few minutes later, Carlisle and Edward wrestled Amy back into the hospital. Carlisle left Edward and Emmett guarding the girl. She looked awful. Gummy eyes, large bleeding welts on her skin. She didn't speak, only making strange grunting noises. She didn't seem to recognize her family.

Carlisle quarantined Rebecca, the nurse that had been bitten. He noted that her blood flow was already slowing, a high fever breaking out. She wasn't vomiting like the others, but her eyes were getting cloudy and she said her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest.

Rebecca was one of our favorite nurses. Edward liked her because her thoughts toward Carlisle were always professional and pure, unlike most of the dirty minded women at the hospital. She and Esme shared a love of gardening and decorating and Alice loved shopping with her.

None of us were stupid, and neither was she. She asked Carlisle to restrain her and keep the other nurses out of the room. "Whatever's happening, Carlisle… it's like in the movies. Don't let me hurt anyone else."

Carlisle sighed and nodded, taking samples from her blood to test and examine. He went to the lab, only disappearing for a moment before returning in a frenzy. "Edward. Call Charlie. We're going to need to evacuate everyone here who hasn't been exposed. I don't know what this is, but it's changing quickly."


	2. Nice Day for a Resurrection

**I do not own Twilight or its characters, obviously. I kind of feel that should be a given, but eh. Better safe than sorry!**

_**Chapter 2 – "Nice Day for a Resurrection"**_

_Z-day 14_

**Emmett POV:**

The infection had exploded, spreading like wildfire. Carlisle called in the Center for Disease Control (CDC) after Rebecca's reanimation. She passed quickly, but we were able to contact her family so they could say their farewells. It was hard for all of us, especially Carlisle. She remained chained to her bed for four hours until her body began to change.

The CDC had tentatively concluded that Charlie Swan managed to nuke some rancid whitefish (used in his chili) into something incompatible with the digestive system. When the CDC questioned him, he admitted not tasting the chili himself. Bella pointed out that the whitefish in the freezer was not labeled, so no one has any idea how long it had been sitting. Scientists were testing other fish samples to see if the mutation occurred while it was being stored, while it was fresh, or when it was improperly cooked in the microwave. Just to be safe, all microwaves in Forks have been destroyed. The only Whitefish Fisherman on the Olympic Peninsula, a man with only a right hand known locally as "Lefty," was also financially ruined.

My family had not hunted in days. No one was sure if we could be infected, but we weren't taking any chances. Everything tasted disgusting, anyway. We had moved out of the house and into a local motel between Forks and Port Angeles, because we were guarding a number of uninfected humans. The hotel offered everyone their own space, but we also knocked the walls down in several rooms to make larger common areas. Bella took over the cooking, and Charlie banned from entering the east wing, where the kitchens were located.

Needless to say, there was no more disguising what we are from the humans. Some reacted badly, but for the most part they were accepting. It's amazing what humans will do in the face of death. Vampires, shape shifters and other supernaturals from across the country gathered in the area to offer protection to the humans, in an attempt to slow the epidemic.

Peter and Charlotte, Jasper's friends, were among the first nomads to turn up. At first, we were concerned and worried that an increase in vampires would lead to a feeding frenzy. Locals have become an endangered species, but the nomads surprised us by not feeding for the same reason.

"It's quite simple," Peter explained. "Our current thirst is, theoretically, temporary. If this outbreak continues to spread, it will be permanent. We're trying to protect our food source and allow it to thrive."

The humans were not impressed, but didn't see a lot of alternatives. Without us, they'd be vulnerable every moment of every day. The wolves had an uneasy peace with the visiting vampires. They were unhappy with the turn of events, but grateful for the lack of feeding. They slept in shifts and assisted us in basic defense. We'd destroyed everything that would allow the infected to reach us, mostly staying above ground level and keeping stairs and ladders inaccessible.

The vampires, and the occasional human, went on reconnaissance missions, scouting out local areas for stray survivors and supplies. Rosalie and Esme invaded the local garden supply stores and had started an extensive garden on the roof of the hotel. We were quickly running out of food as we found more survivors, especially from Canada and the Midwest.

We have nearly 1,000 people in our settlement, and Jasper and I were currently in Kansas, searching for another viable safe house location. The infection had recently reached the East Coast, and we were going to look for a location there next. Canada and Mexico were also facing epidemics, and the EU had closed all its borders to anyone from "across the pond," in an attempt to protect its populations.

The mutation, now known as the Z Virus, was spread through blood or mucous contact between humans and animals. Some humans seemed resistant to the infection altogether. Bella received a direct bite from an "infected" nearly a week ago, but still hadn't fallen ill. Reptiles and other cold- blooded animals also seemed immune. At first, mammals seemed immune as well. Edward thought it was something to do with blood flow, but that hypothesis was proven wrong. Snowflake, one of the dolphins at the Seattle Zoo, was now infected. He was still cute, though, even if he didn't do his tricks with the same panache. When we fed him fish, he just gnawed out the brains.

"Emmett!" Jasper snapped his fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to reality. "Wake up, you idiot. We can't afford to make any mistakes here."

We were standing in an abandoned hospital, collecting supplies for Carlisle. It was amazingly intact – most buildings in infected areas were covered with blood from humans who had fallen victim to the hordes. In some humans, the survival instinct was not strong enough to leave infected friends and family members behind. Here in Topeka, one story told how of a 16-year-old Forsaken child (as the "infected" have now been named) killed her whole family. She consumed twenty people before a local police officer shot her in the head, effectively dispatching her.

I heard something behind me and pulled out my handgun, whirling around. The gun was mostly for show, but it helped keep humans in line without scaring them too much. A tall, blonde girl stood protectively in front of two small children who looked like twins. She raised her hands slowly, gauging our defensive stance. "Please, don't shoot. We heard you talking so we knew you were human. We've been here for four days and we're nearly out of food, but we haven't seen any other survivors," she spoke cautiously.

I lowered my weapon but didn't drop my guard. I glanced back at Jasper, and he nodded as he lowered his own firearm. We knew she was human, but that meant all the Forsaken around the close perimeter could smell her, too. It was surprisingly quiet, and I motioned her over to stand behind Jasper. "I'm Emmett, and this is my brother, Jasper. We're actually vampires, but we're collecting supplies for humans back on the West Coast. You should come with us."

Jasper waved hello, still stuffing supplies into a huge backpack. The girl stepped forward, looking happy to see us. "I'm Arry, and this is my little brother, Aaron, and my sister, Hannah." She placed a hand on each of the children's heads, smiling fondly, before the boy broke away and ran up to me.

"Do you have any food?" he begged. It broke my heart that we didn't have anything to give him. Jasper surprised me by pulling out three Heath bars, tossing one to each of the humans. Aaron beamed at him before tearing his open and devouring it in a matter of seconds. I raised an eyebrow at Jasper, who just shrugged.

"A soldier always carries rations, Emmett. Come on, we need to check the storage freezers."

We secured the room behind us, leaving the sacks of supplies with the humans and promising we'd be back shortly. The freezer held a huge score – medication and blood that would help everyone at home. Some vampires were having more trouble containing their thirst than others. Finding this uncontaminated blood supply would be essential in case of emergencies.

We were driving a bus with all the seats torn out, which Rosalie had modified with a super engine before we left. After we filled the bus with our treasures, Jasper told us he would be right back. I eyed him warningly, worried that he was going alone. Five minutes later, he drove up in a modified military Humvee that was abandoned near the front of the hospital. "Thought we could use this," he said. I agreed; it was a badass vehicle. We let Arry take the wheel of the SUV while Jasper and I stayed in the bus. Arry took a walkie-talkie from our stash, and followed us around town as we searched for other supplies and survivors.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. Even in metropolitan areas like New York City, we didn't find a single survivor. Either the epidemic spread before the humans could strike back, or they were successfully hiding and didn't trust us enough to expose themselves. We raided every conceivable supply station before surprising Aaron and Hannah with a quick trip to FAO Schwartz, the famous toy store in Manhattan. They filled the rest of the SUV with toys and games to share with the other kids in Forks, happy to have something to smile about.

We spray painted our contact information on various buildings up and down the east coast, but after a week we finally headed home. Jasper took over driving the Humvee, so that we could drive at vampire speeds back to Washington. The journey still took another four days, but we were all happy to be going home.

_Z-day 25_

**Rosalie POV:**

I've never really shared Esme's love for gardening, but this digging in the dirt thing was kind of soothing. It's been a bit difficult getting things to grow in the gloom of Forks, so we've been using sun lamps. Jasper and Emmett came home saying they had found next to nothing, humanity-wise, on the East Coast. We were still toying with the idea of moving somewhere more centrally located, so humans could find us more easily.

We still had a decent supply of canned food, but Bella insisted we save that for an emergency. A month ago I would have laughed at the paranoid planning of it all, but we were all different "people" then we were back then.

"Thanks, Rosalie!" Bella sang as I entered the kitchen, carrying supplies. She was happy to have the family intact again; I was as well. She and Edward were disgustingly cute while the boys were away. Bella was tired of me and Alice snapping at her. She didn't understand though. Edward declined any recon mission claiming that since Bella was human, she needed more protection. She never had to go without her mate for any length of time. It was frustrating to watch her and Edward. Alice and I had decided to go with the boys on the next scouting mission. We weren't going weeks without sex ever again.

I patted Bella on the head before grabbing a knife and helping chop the ingredients for vegetable soup. Bella had grown on me – she'd shown an amazing hardiness I never would have expected, and had adapted to this new, tough life with a strange finesse.

Bella dumped the tomatoes and carrots into the soup, stirring it and adding oregano. It was strangely peaceful today. We'd reinforced the walls of the ground floor of the hotel and set up motion sensor cameras outside, so we had warning when a Forsaken wandered too close to our haven. Jasper had also hacked into the government computer data base that transmitted the Emergency Broadcast System messages. He recorded a message which alerted any survivors left who managed to have a radio that we were out here and ready to help. We felt a little better knowing our presence was established.

The quiet was shattered when stupid Jessica Stanley came tearing into the kitchen, screaming.

"Bella!" she rushed up to us panting. "Bella, I just saw Mike and he tried to eat me!"

I snickered, wondering if that was really such a bad thing. Mike Newton had, thankfully, gone unaccounted for the past two weeks.

Bella glared at me, trying to calm Jessica. After nearly two minutes of constant hysterics, Bella reached out and slapped Jessica hard across the face. _It was beautiful!_

"Get yourself together, Jess! We're facing a zombie apocalypse – we don't have time for you to lose your shit!"

Emmett and Edward, who meandered into the kitchen to see the ruckus, stood in shock for a moment before bursting into laughter. I joined in the giggles when I saw distress on Jessica's face.

Bella hugged Jessica quickly, shaking her head and turning to smile at us. She mouthed the words, "That felt _so_ good!"

"Jess, I'm sorry, but we kind of knew he was Forsaken. When he didn't come back from taking a piss for two days, it made us think that he could have been attacked. I know it's hard. I don't know what I'd do if Edward were gone. Right now, we have to keep our heads straight and stick together, or we're never going to survive this," she continued in a gentle voice.

Jessica sobbed on her shoulder and Emmett came to stand behind me. I felt a strange pang of something in my chest. Was it pity? I can't imagine life without my Emmett. Jessica had Mike but now he was gone – and he tried to kill her. I didn't like this feeling. It felt…funny.

Emmett squeezed me with his big bear arms and I mumbled "I'm sorry, Jessica," before I yanked him out of the room. I was determined to escape these new, uncomfortable emotions. Where was Jasper when I needed him?!

Emmett and I headed up to Carlisle's study on the fifth floor. When we reached the hallway we were affronted by ugly yellow police crime tape. Emmett and I both stopped in our tracks. I'd seen so much of that at the start of the infection that I nearly had a heart attack. Why would we have that ugly tape here, in our sanctuary?

"Carlisle?" Emmett stood in front of me, crouching slightly as we walked closer to the tape.

"Emmett, you and Rose can come in, but make sure none of the humans are around!" Carlisle's voice sounded strained, and a strange banging noise came from his office.

Emmett and I crept forward cautiously, recoiling at the smell of rotting flesh. We finally peeked around the doorway, surprised to see Carlisle standing over a Forsaken, strapped to a hospital bed. Carlisle rounded the bed with a clipboard in his hand, studying this _person._

I clamped my hand over Emmett's mouth just as he let out a yell of confusion and surprise. Something told me this was top secret. Carlisle shot me a relieved look, before ushering us away from the Forsaken and over to the chairs by his desk.

"What the hell, Carlisle? You've got a Forsaken in here and you didn't tell us?!"

My boo sounded livid, and I didn't really blame him. I took a closer look, noting it was the now infamous Mike Newton.

"Better not tell Jessica he's here. She's freaking out," I muttered. Carlisle nodded, looking sad.

"She was outside with a small group, exercising and enjoying the fleeting sunlight. Esme and I were with them, and he made it past the initial barriers." Carlisle rubbed his temple in thought, "It's odd – he recognized Jessica and went straight for her. I've never seen that kind of behavior in an infected. They usually don't seem to distinguish between people they knew in their human lives and strangers."

"Well, she was always annoying him. Maybe it's karma," Emmett muttered. I smacked him, rolling my eyes while Carlisle looked disapproving.

"Emmett, you're really not helping. Have some compassion. Anyway, Esme pulled Jessica out of the way and ushered the humans back into the second perimeter, while I managed to incapacitate Mike. I guess we'll know soon whether or not we can be infected."

He pulled back the sleeve of his blue sweater, revealing a nasty bite mark. I gasped, and Emmett roared his frustration. The Forsaken, previously known as Mike, reacted to the sound. He let out a guttural moan and thrashed against his restraints. If anything happened to Carlisle, I'd rip the zombie limb from limb.

"The good news is that I feel fine. It stings a bit, but I think the venom has counteracted the mutation. I'll be extra cautious the next few days, but I think we may be safe. If there is no mutation, do you know what this means?" Carlisle looked eagerly between the two of us. "It gives us the chance to feed on the local animal population. This may be a blessing in disguise," he noted, redressing his wound before pulling his sleeve down.

"Also, this offers us a great chance to study a Forsaken closely. Bella is immune, and that may be a genetic property we can reproduce. We can possibly make a serum or medication to combat the infection. This may be our chance to stop all this."

I looked at Emmett and saw the hope in his eyes. I smiled genuinely, but I had to do one thing first before we got to work.

I stood and walked over to Newton, reaching back and smacking him in the head. He just blinked, dazed. Not a sound, no reaction. It still felt good to hit the annoying prick, especially after Edward had told us the extent of his dirty Bella fantasies.

_God, I still hate humans._

**Esme POV:**

I hurried around the compound, collecting everyone for the roll call we performed three times a day. It's unlikely that anyone would wander off or be attacked without our knowledge, but it made me feel better to check in with everyone every day.

We now had nearly 50 vampires, and with the exception of my own family and the Denali Coven, I constantly worried that someone would lose control and attack a human. Everyone knew it would be a death sentence; both to the victim and the attacker, but some things can't be undone.

Poor Jessica Stanley was still shaken after her confrontation with Mike. Perhaps we'd have to start spending our "sun time" up on the roof. I'd hate to do that, however – all of us were feeling rather cooped up. I was concerned that too much time enclosed in the building would take a serious toll on our morale.

The largest common room, nicknamed the Montgomery room, was on the second floor. It had extra windows because it was situated in the northwest corner. Alice and Jasper had painted it a cheerful cornflower blue color while I stitched cushy throw pillows to sit on the floor. The addition of the twins brought us up to 30 children of various ages. When Emmett and Jasper returned with Aaron and Hannah, they brought with them a whole arsenal of toys and games. Every child in the compound welcomed them with open arms.

We were contacted today by a large group on the East Coast, near Washington, DC. News of other survivors was buzzing through the compound. The DC compound had wolves helping them, but no vampires. It turns out they had avoided Jasper and Emmett during their scouting mission, unsure until they left whether they were hunters looking for human food. Some vampires had used deceitful techniques to acquire new food sources, causing the wolves to deem them "bad guys." After they learned of our efforts and trusted that we didn't have malicious intent we became the "good guys." I was proud that we were considered good guys in the face of this crisis.

"Everyone, can I have your attention please?" Everyone was present except Carlisle, who was in his study with the specimen. He insisted we call "it" a specimen. Carlisle was worried that if we called him Mike, the humans would retain attachments and cause problems in the testing process. Carlisle was having enough trouble justifying experiments on a "live" subject – it went against his very nature to cause any creature pain, even though it was necessary.

The room quieted and I continued, standing at the front of the room with a clipboard. I went down the list, calling out names. I smiled when I got to Arry, Aaron and Hannah. The news of other survivors had brought hope to everyone. After finishing the checklist, I cleared my throat and signed.

"I am sorry to announce that Dr. Cullen has been bitten by an infected." The room was filled with gasps and Jessica began to cry again, the poor dear. Jasper winced as he absorbed the emotional climate of the room, and Jessica began to sob harder. I slowly continued, my heart feeling heavy. "As of right now, he is showing no symptoms, but he has decided to stay in his study just in case. We ask that no one approach his study on the fifth floor until we have determined that it is safe. All of you with medical requirements will be receiving your medications here for the next few days. Alice is in charge of tracking your treatments." Alice smiled and waved to everyone, bouncing in place next to Jasper. Jessica was still blubbering, and Jasper made a face as he stepped forward.

Jasper took the floor from me, sending a wave of calm before breaking the news of Carlisle's newest subject. "Many of you know that the Alpha Group witnessed an altercation yesterday during sun time. An infected approached the group and was quickly incapacitated. We are very glad no one was hurt, but all outside activities have been cancelled for now until we can fully ensure your safety," he said, smiling ruefully as his announcement was met with groans. Jessica had steadily descended into hysterics, while Jasper struggled to calm her. Bella stepped away from Edward's arms, reaching out to Jessica. Instead of embracing her, as I expected, Bella raised her hand and backhanded Jessica. The cracking sound of her hand across Jessica's face earned quiet gasps across the room. Jessica held her face in shock as she blinked repeatedly at Bella. The room fell silent for a moment before Lauren Mallory started laughing hysterically. Bella patted Jessica on the back before returning to Edward's firm grasp, trying not to smile.

Jasper took a deep breath and wiped his face blank before continuing as though nothing had happened. "I know, I know guys – the lack of outside time sucks, but we can't risk anyone's life. We're going to try to organize basketball and other games up on the roof, so we can still get some fresh air during the day. Also…" Jasper paused, fidgeting with the clipboard in his hands. "We have captured the Forsaken that attacked the group. It's the one that bit Carlisle, and it is currently detained in his study. Several of you have survived direct attacks from the infected and seem immune. Please see me after this meeting – Carlisle is interested in studying your blood and seeing if he can develop a cure or a treatment to keep the infection from spreading. It's not pleasant, but this is an opportunity we cannot ignore."

The room was silent. Edward placed a hand over his face as he was overwhelmed with thoughts bouncing around the room. His gift was the only one that had not been revealed to the humans, by his own request. He glanced at Alice, who smiled encouragingly at him.

Alice stepped forward, chipper as always. "Theta Group, we're going to help with the gardening upstairs if you want to join us – strictly voluntary. But this is the last sun you will see in four days. Beta Group, Emmett and Jasper have organized a Monopoly tournament in the Green room in an hour. Dinner is at seven, and we ask that you stick to your groups tonight, just until things settle down. We will be doing a roll call tonight at midnight, so sleep in your _own rooms_ – I'm talking to you, Tyler and Eric." Her eyes narrowed and the openly gay couple blushed, but everyone else laughed – no one, not even the children in the compound, could fail to notice the noises that came from Tyler's room late at night.

The groups separated, talking amongst themselves and the family with several of the wolves gathered at the front of the room. Jacob and Embry had just returned from a city run and were discussing some strange marks they'd seen by the school.

"I'm telling you, there were gouges on the wood like a wild animal had clawed its way out – but why would an animal be in the building anyway? I think there's more to this than we're seeing, but until we find something alive, we can only guess. There wasn't any fresh blood, so I guess that's a good sign." Jacob tugged his hand through his hair, his eyes narrow and focused on something far in the distance. The reservation had fared better than most human settlements. Carlisle theorized that the same gene that caused the wolf transformation protected the Quiluetes from the virus, even though a few had died since the beginning of the epidemic.

"Carlisle will be okay, right?" Paul, of all people, spoke up. I was under the impression Paul was here only by orders of Sam, his Alpha, but maybe he'd developed some real feelings for us as we had for them. It wasn't always an easy alliance, but we'd come to appreciate the wolves. Rosalie noted they didn't even smell "that bad" anymore. They also helped us broaden the perimeter.

Alice's eyes went hazy for a moment before she gasped. "He'll be fine. Bella and Arry will help him find an inoculation. A vaccine is possible, with enough blood…" her voice trailed off and she grabbed Paul's hand, grinning. "Also…well, never mind. I'll tell you that part in private," she laughed, pulling him close and whispering something even the vampires couldn't hear.

Paul's eyes lit up and he gasped, turning to Alice and grabbing her face, gently, in his hands. "Really, Alice?! Really? Are you sure!"

She placed her hands over his and smiled. "Don't ever bet against Alice, Paul. I'm sure. You better get ready!" Paul cheered, jumping into the air. For someone so moody and often grumpy, the exuberance did not go unnoticed by anyone. He ran to Leah, who was standing off to the side, and picked her up, whirling her in a circle. "I'm going to be a Daddy, Sherbert! We're going to have a baby!" Leah looked to Alice wide eyed. Alice grinned and nodded, before Leah threw her arms around Paul.

I felt tears I couldn't shed well in my eyes. In all this destruction, with all the death and decay, a new life was born. All of us had grown closer in the face of tragedy, but no one seemed more surprised about Leah and Paul's romance than _Leah and Paul__._

I swooped in on the couple, giving them a quick hug before they could shun me. I approached Bella and Arry who were both beaming, having heard Alice's pronouncement. But Arry looked nervous and I stared at her quizzically. She wasn't as comfortable around us as the other humans, but I think it was more because she was shy than having any distrust. Her little siblings, Aaron and Hannah, had taken to the group quickly, clamoring for the attention. In some ways, I didn't envy any of the children growing up in this time, but Aaron and Hannah brought a refreshing innocence to the commune. I know they'd seen terrible things, but neither of them seemed willing to let it get to them. Then it dawned on me why Arry looked so anxious. _It was the testing._

Bella took my hand and Arry's, tugging us out of the room and toward the stairs. We climbed three floors without speaking, Arry looking progressively more nervous with each step. I touched her shoulder lightly, smiling a bit wistfully as she shuddered at the contact. "Arry, Carlisle would never hurt you. He's having a hard enough time performing tests on the Forsaken. He hates the idea of causing anything pain. You are a living, breathing being, and he will not hurt you. I promise."

She looked slightly assuaged at my words, smiling back tentatively. "I know, Esme. I know that you are not just good vampires, but good people. Even if it did hurt, if it would help the others, I'd do it. This is for our way of life, not just my own. I'd do it for Aaron and Hannah. I'd do it for any number of the people here. I'm afraid, but I'm not going to let that stop me."

Her voice didn't waver, and she reminded me of Bella, who stood grinning behind us. I resolved at this moment that I'd do anything to save Arry's life, because she'd do anything to save another's. If anything went wrong, I'd turn Arryanna myself.


	3. Ghoulina

_**Chapter 3 – Ghoulina**_

_Z-day 35_

**Bella POV:**

I felt like a pincushion, and silently cursed my small veins as Carlisle drew yet another blood sample. Fourteen others had immunity and were facing the same poke-filled fate. No one had complained yet, but Carlisle looked contrite every time he asked for more. His normally calm exterior looked strained and his usually chilled hands felt warmer than normal. I was worried, but Edward told me Carlisle didn't seem particularly concerned.

Rebecca Black, Jacob's older sister, had shown a flare for nursing and acted as Carlisle's right hand woman. She smiled tightly at me as she pressed a small cotton ball over the tiny puncture mark on my hand – Carlisle had taken so much blood recently the veins in my arms were "shriveled." Rebecca was still struggling with her family and the reservation's historical dislike of the Cullens. Rebecca held her guard up most times, but alone working with Carlisle, she seemed more comfortable. I think, like the pack, she knew the Cullens weren't the enemy – but the other vampires here could easily be.

We'd started calling Mike Newton's body "the Fig." Jessica had started it. Several new vampires had arrived yesterday, bringing food and a case of whiskey. At first, we didn't know what to do with it. Carlisle was tempted to keep it in case of a medical emergency, but eventually Jacob convinced him we all needed to live a little. Bottles were soon passed around and even the older kids as young as 15 or 16 got a swig. Jessica got more than her fair share because she still wasn't over the Mike attack. Once she heard he'd been captured, she cried for a full day. Considering that, all plans of calling the body "the specimen" were out the window. Still no one, especially Jessica, felt right calling him Mike. So we started calling him "Newton". But as the whisky flowed, a drunken Jessica spilled her guts about a certain zombie's anatomy. Mike Newton got shamefully shortened to "Fig Newton" and thereafter "Fig." Poor Mike. His body had betrayed him on every level. Even Carlisle couldn't stop the laughter and gossip that went around the hotel.

It felt good to laugh, even if it was at a deceased friend's expense. Laughter was rare these days and Mike wasn't around to be embarrassed.

It was pouring out and we were all sick of being cooped up inside. In addition to that, I was worried out of my mind. Edward and Emmett, after seeing Carlisle's lack of reaction to his bite, decided to take a large group of the vampires out to hunt in the woods around the hotel. Jasper and ten others stayed with us for protection, but I was still worried about a lot of things. What if a Forsaken got through the barriers and made it inside? What if something happened to the hunting group? What if drinking infected animal blood made them sick?

I would have asked Carlisle all of these things, but for once he seemed short on patience. After brushing my fears aside last night at dinner, he came to me before bedtime to apologize and quietly confide that he'd made some progress.

"There are antibodies in your blood, Bella. I'm still not sure if they can be developed or planted in someone else, but all fifteen of you have it. I've called it the _Bella Factor_ for now. Jasper and Emmett have been told to look specifically for previously developed anti-viral medications on their next raid. I may be able to extract the _Factor_ and marry it with another medication in an already-developed delivery system," Carlisle ended, looking more confident in his research.

I smiled and nodded because he looked excited, but I wasn't so hopeful. I had spent most of my life hoping that my personality quirks, like blushing at the drop of a hat and being eternally clumsy, were not contagious. Thankfully, they weren't. It seemed silly to hope that this would be the exception to the rule, but I refused to tell anyone that. I reminded myself that I was not the only one with it, so there may be something to his theory.

Rebecca's voice broke through my thoughts. "Okay, Bella, you're free to go. Esme asked you to meet her in the kitchen to start on breakfast." She helped me down from the cot and I blushed as I remembered what happened the last time I tried to climb down on my own.

_My foot slipped from underneath me and I went flying. A huge thud, a scattering of supplies, and proof that the potty mouth gene was passed down in Jacob's family. Rebecca cursed at me at the top of her lungs. I just mumbled an apology leaving the room with a knot on my butt and a bruise to my ego._

"Thanks, Rebecca. Any requests for dessert tonight? I'll be working on it after the breakfast rush." I tried to smile, hoping that my skills in the kitchen would win her over despite the fact that I was in love with a vampire. She bit her lip thoughtfully, crinkling her nose.

"I don't suppose we have any pumpkin, eh? I'd love pumpkin pie right about now..."

I tried not to let my face fall, hoping she would ask for brownies so I could brag about the new tin of cocoa powder Jasper had presented to me like a crown. "No, no pumpkin that I know of. I'll keep my eye out, though, just in case."

She smiled, a rare sight, and my spirits lifted. Maybe I was making some progress after all. "I'm fucking with you, Bella. I know you've got super brownies on your mind. Jake told me they were delicious and I look forward to tasting them." I returned her smile, laughing a little at having the wool pulled over my eyes. "Besides, you try too hard. The fact that we have fresh food at all is thanks to you, Esme and Rosalie. Trust me, no one in this place takes it for granted. Now get out of here before Carlisle decides to drain you dry."

I placed a hand on my forehead and pretended to faint, smiling even as I left the brightly lit infirmary and stepped into the dim hallway. Alice said it was going to be sunny the day after tomorrow, and I couldn't wait. We only kept the most essential parts of the compound well-lit. The dreary weather outdoors did nothing to light them up on most days. I'd always thought of Forks as lush and green, even through the rain, but I felt like the only color I'd seen since the outbreak was gray.

It was early morning, and I hadn't slept well, up late thinking and worrying about Edward. Peter and Charlotte, friends of Jasper's who had stuck around to watch the compound in case of an emergency, did their best to assuage my worries, but I knew I wouldn't feel any better until I saw Edward again.

I trudged to the kitchen and smiled at Esme, quickly washing my hands before joining her at the stove. She was making powdered eggs and homemade biscuits once again. I shouldn't complain – many survivors that had found us were nearly starving by the time they arrived, and Arry told me about many nights when she went hungry to feed her brother and sister whatever they could scavenge. Having a large, mostly indestructible population that didn't eat human food was a huge asset, and everyone here was grateful for the protection the vampires offered. Incidentally, the wolves were learning not to eat so much, mostly because they didn't have to phase often. The compound had fallen into a simple rhythm – the wolves were general protection against the Forsaken. Our vampire brethren were here to protect the humans from the non-vegetarian vampires.

I yawned, garnering a sympathetic look from Esme. "I've never valued not needing to sleep so much, especially now that our secret's out and we can be ourselves."

I nodded, turning to make some coffee. It was a luxury that we hadn't run out of yet, though we tried to ration it and the boys were constantly on a lookout for more. I was selfish enough to consider my own need for energy enough cause to brew a pot. I set it to drip, then turned to help Esme bake the biscuits. As usual, the smells wafting through the hotel woke up the humans, and they began slowly filtering into the dining hall, which used to be a banquet or conference room.

I was setting out the coffee, smiling at everyone as they eagerly surged forward, when I heard a blood-curdling wail behind me. Lauren Mallory was staggering toward the table, her arms stretched out in front of her and a blank look on her face. My breath caught in my throat for a brief moment before I screamed, stumbling backwards until I hit the wall. A zombie, in our midst? How had she been infected? She'd been fine last night at dinner.

Lauren paused in her steps, cocking her head to the side and giving me a long, confused look before whirling around, trying to see what threat was behind her. When she saw nothing, she turned back to me, her normal bitchy sneer back in place. "What the fuck are you screaming about, Swan?"

My scream caught in my throat, and it was my turn to stare in confusion. "You… you're not infected? You had this weird look on your face, the shuffling walk, even the groaning moans…" my voice trailed off as she smirked.

"Fuck, no – I just want some coffee. Now get out of my way."

I think I liked her better when I thought she was a zombie.

"They're back!" I wasn't sure who called down the hall and I didn't care. Like pretty much everyone else, I burst into the second floor common room, my eyes frantically searching for Edward. It was pandemonium. Usually only a human was greeted with such a fuss by the general population, but I knew that the humans were grateful for the sacrifices the vampires were making on their behalf. I nearly had a heart attack when someone seized me from behind. As soon as Edward turned me around, I squealed and buried my face in his neck.

"I missed you so much," he breathed in my ear. My voice failed me as I nodded emphatically. He chuckled, knowing that I agreed with him. I pulled back, running my hands over his chest, pleased to find him in one piece. He looked down at me with his golden eyes, smiling. "You'd think I was your long lost lover back from the Great War, Bella."

I scowled at him before smacking him playfully, which hurt me much more than it hurt him. I held my hand to my side, rubbing the pain away. "Hasn't anyone told you, Edward? This _is_ war." His face tightened almost imperceptibly before it smoothed back into his calm mask, but I still saw it. "What? What happened? Edward?"

His long, cold fingers brushed over my forehead, pushing back the stray hairs. "It's nothing. I'll tell you later. I think it's best not to talk about it here." I resisted the temptation to make him talk right then and there, knowing I'd get it out of him eventually. But I still felt a clenching in my stomach. Had something happened? In all the chaos, I couldn't tell if anyone was missing. I looked at Rose's very _enthusiastic_ reunion with Emmett and felt her relief that he was back as well. I smiled at the people who were coming over to say hello to Edward and shake his hand. He looked grateful and slightly embarrassed by all the attention, never letting go of my hand and dragging me off about ten minutes later.

I grabbed his face and kissed him hard, finally letting my worry flood and leave me. Edward was back and in my arms. Reminding myself he was a vampire, it didn't feel as safe as it once did. Once I finally broke away from him, he led me to the central staircase, scooping me up in his arms as he darted to the fifth floor at blinding speed. I'd grown amazingly desensitized to this way of traveling. Before I knew it, we were passing the crime scene tape that still marked the hallway to Carlisle's study.

The outer office, to Carlisle's study was empty. I heard a load groaning coming from the infirmary area and started toward the door before Edward stopped me. He quickly stood in front of me, taking a protective stance while not allowing me through. I peered around his shoulder and shuddered. The walls were splattered in small, reddish-brown specks. It confused me for a moment before I took a deep breath and the metallic taste of iron assaulted my senses. My head started to swim and I swayed for a moment before a loud groaning noise focused my attention on the body on the floor before me.

Rebecca had been bitten.

**Emmett POV:**

Rose and I were on our way to a very non-verbal homecoming when we heard screams from upstairs. We stared at each other for a moment before groaning, leaping out of bed and throwing on our recently discarded clothes. Less than two minutes had elapsed but Alice was standing outside our doorway, tapping her foot and looking impatient, flanked by Jasper.

"What? What did you see, Alice?" I demanded, realizing I had forgotten to lock the door. We all started running toward the stairs.

"Nothing!" she cried. "I didn't see anything!" I could feel her frustration, palpable between the group of us as we dashed up the stairs. We checked each floor for signs of distress. Alice stopped in her tracks, nearly smacking into a wall as her face went blank with a vision. "Edward decided to kill Fig. They're in Carlisle's office."

We ran into the office and Rosalie screamed. "What the fuck, Edward? No killing the dead body!" Bella was on the floor near the door, white as a sheet and crying. Edward was bending over a limp figure on one of the cots, tying its limbs down. It took me a moment to recognize the young woman as Rebecca, Carlisle's assistant. Jasper was on instant alert, sniffing the air for a scent to track the now-misplaced Forsaken. Alice and Rose were tending to Bella, and I approached Edward.

"What happened?" I asked.

He spared a single look for me before bending over the girl and I wordlessly began handing him supplies. Three boxes of bandages and what felt like an eternity later, Edward backed away from the girl, his face strained.

"I don't know. We found her like this. Her pulse is strong but she's lost a lot of blood. I don't think she'll make it through the night. Where is Carlisle?" He absentmindedly rubbed his face with his hand, leaving a bloody streak along his right cheek. I would have found it comical had the situation not been so dire. A bitten, possibly infected human in the infirmary and a zombie were on the loose. Even I couldn't make light of that.

"Can she change?" Bella's voice wavered. I was worried she would faint from the proximity to the blood, but she took a deep breath through her mouth and seemed to stand a little straighter – my baby sister was growing up right before my eyes.

"I have no idea. The wolf gene obviously complicates things. She's not convulsing like most victims, and she doesn't have a fever, but those bites look nasty." Edward paced in front of Rebecca's prone body.

"I'm going to look for Esme and Carlisle," Rosalie announced, slipping from the room quietly. We all stood still, unsure of what to do next. I was worried – why hadn't Carlisle and Esme heard the commotion and come to check, as we had? I briefly thought about chasing Rosie, but I knew she'd take it as a slight on her independence, even if I slightly insinuated that she was incapable of defending herself within the walls of the compound.

Edward turned to comfort Bella, and I found myself staring at the river outside the window. I was bored and slightly worried about Rosie, so I decided to go for a run. I zipped down the stairs and approached the balcony of the second floor. When we'd moved into the compound we'd destroyed all the stairs to provide an extra measure of protection for the humans. We kept ladders at each balcony so that humans could climb back to the living area, but we vampires didn't need them. I leapt down lightly and headed outside, situating myself by the river.

I was careful not to let my thoughts wander so far that I was unaware of my surroundings, but the bubble of the river was supremely relaxing. I sat for about an hour, staring into space and keeping my ears alert in case anyone in the compound needed me. Then I heard a strange gurgling sound from the river.

I sniffed the air to ensure it wasn't a zombie, but encountered a strange, not-quite-rotting odor I'd never smelled before – sour, but not the disgusting scent that clung to the undead.

"_Edward," _I paused for a moment to ensure that I had his attention, thinking directly at him. _"Can you send Jasper out here? Something by the river is not quite right, but I don't want to take any chances."_

I waited for a few minutes before I heard sticks breaking behind me, alerting me to Jasper's presence.

"What's up, Emmett?" Jasper drawled, pausing to feel the atmosphere around us for other presences.

"Hey, Jas. Do you hear that weird gurgling? I think something's in the river, but it doesn't _smell_ like a Forsaken…"

Jasper nodded, approaching the river cautiously. "Something's definitely in there. Wait, do you see that?" Jasper cocked his head to the side and pointed at a shadow moving in the water. I nodded and he crouched, pausing for a moment before plunging his hand into the water and emerging with a fish.

The thing wasn't that large – it looked to be an average trout – but its scales were grayed and slimier than normal, and its eyes were glazed over with a strange look.

"I think… Dude, is this a fucking zombie fish?" Jasper looked revolted, yet ready to burst into hysterics. "I think it's infected. I thought cold-blooded animals couldn't get infected?"

"Huh? Zombie fish? Yeah, just what we need," I groaned, looking into the river to see other shadowy figures.

"I think there are more of them," I said, snatching another one. This one was less slimy but its eyes were yellow, like traditional human Forsaken.

"It looks like there may be different levels of infection, here. Maybe the virus mutated? We should go show Carlisle. Rosalie said she was going to find him and Esme. Has anything changed with Rebecca?" Jasper shook his head, calling loudly over his shoulder so Edward would be able to hear him.

"Edward, can you meet us on the front balcony with some of those big pots from the kitchen? We just found some zombie fish and I want to show them to Carlisle."

Jasper and I gathered a few more fish, quickly carrying them to the balcony where Edward met us with the pots.

"Zombie fish? Are you fucking kidding me?" he looked at the first fish we'd found in disgust. I handed him another one that had a bit of some sort of plant wrapped around its head.

"Dude, check this one out! He's got an eye patch! Zombie Pirate Fish! I'm going to name him Fred!"

Edward looked at me funny for a minute before shaking his head. "Fred? Emmett, Fred is not exactly a pirate name… And a fish can't really be a pirate, especially when it's a zombie."

I leapt up to the balcony, scowling as we all grabbed a full pot and walked carefully toward Carlisle's study.

"Can too. Don't be jealous Edward, just because Fred's cooler than you'll ever be. Probably gets more tail, too."

Fred gurgled from his pot, and we all stopped in our tracks. I swore it sounded like he said "Arrrr!"

Stupid Edward, ruining my fun. And people say Rosie's a bitch.


	4. Leather Monks and Rubber Nuns

_**A/N: Read this chapter at your own risk. I mean it, y'all.**_

_**Chapter 4 – "Leather Monks and Rubber Nuns"**_

"_Of course they're real! They're not mine – but they're real!" Female Forsaken, World of Warcraft_

**Mike POV**

You know, the virus affects everyone differently. Some people, like Bella, can sustain direct bites and not even bat an eye. Some just die and never reanimate. I happen to be one of the lucky ones – I reanimated AND developed super sharp teeth and cool yellow eyes. Not to toot my own horn, but I look badass.

I stumbled through the woods, cursing my clumsy feet. I was never the star quarterback, but I used to be able to move a bit more quickly. I was finally heading home, after an unfortunate, and slightly disturbing, detour.

Stupid Dr. Cullen, carrying me off like I'm some brainless idiot. So what if I ran for Jessica? She bit my dick the last time she went down on me – I just wanted to smack her, not EAT her. Please, I have much better taste in brains than eating _Jessica_. It would probably be a lite meal anyways, and not very satisfying. I know I shouldn't have gone near their compound – she'd warned me not to – but I was curious. They sounded like they were having such fun, playing in the sun, and the sparkles of the vampires' skin was pretty.

She'd kill me if anyone followed me back to the lair, so I took my time and used my heightened sense of smell to make sure no one was around. Vamps weren't the only special ones in the world, but I was glad our powers remained a mystery to them.

I finally approached what looked like a cave and surreptitiously punched the security code into the hidden panel in a nearby tree. As I let myself in to the massive house behind the façade and kicked off my muddy shoes, I almost felt sorry for the humans. We had power, heat, and our own dry place to live. It was pretty lavish, because the girls insisted on forming raiding parties to keep us living in the lap of luxury. Other than the occasional limb falling off, we were living the high life, as learned from the Cullens. We could exist off brain tissue from animals, if humans were in short supply. In an effort to control the population, she insisted we mostly hunt local fare. I was rather disgusted by wild game, like rabbits, when I was a human, but I'd developed a taste for deer brains. They taste like SweeTarts.

Eric Yorkie was engaged in a game of Left 4 Dead with one of the other groups on the west coast, using Xbox Live. He nodded to me while I crossed the massive expanse of the front room and went to the kitchen. Popping a serving of Bambi Brain in the microwave, I also grabbed a bottle of blood. We didn't need blood to survive, but after awhile you developed a certain taste for it. Yum… Excuse me, sir. Do you have any crimson Poupon?

Once I had dinner, I went to my room, flipping on the computer and checking my email. I was pleased to find I had a new e-mail from zombieharmony dot com, my favorite singles site. The girl looked remarkably like Jessica, minus the gaping hole in her cheek. My face twitched into what would have been a smile, if my lips hadn't rotted off months ago.

I fired off a quick response, taking special note of the pictures she'd posted in lingerie, and went to join Eric in the living room.

"Where is she?" I asked, tagging in with a spare controller and hitting a kill shot against Zoey. I hated that bitch, and her rants about "zombie bullshit" – as if this game got ANYTHING right about zombies.

"She's in the shower, I think. She has a big date with that Demetri guy. I don't know, he gives me a weird vibe – like he's always watching me or something. I can practically feel him looking at me everywhere I go…"

"Ugh, dude, you're so paranoid. He's a vamp – he probably has no interest in us so long as we don't get caught and give away the plan. Speaking of," I trailed off, glancing around to make sure no one was around before continuing. "I kind of got caught and trapped by Dr. Cullen."

"You _what?!_" Eric's voice shot up at least an octave and I glanced around again, praying that none of the vampires were in the house. I couldn't smell them, but I wasn't taking any chances. I clamped a hand down over Eric's mouth, shuddering and letting go as his putrid tongue hit my palm.

"Gross, dude! Keep your voice down! He took some of my blood, but I heard them talking – Edward can't read our minds, and they think we're literally brain dead idiots who can't recognize people. He was shocked that I went after Jessica, but they still don't know anything about us."

I looked at my hands guiltily, remembering the soft brown skin I'd bitten in my bid for freedom. She wouldn't get out of the way, and I couldn't have her screaming and letting everyone know I was loose. I hope she was immune – she tasted different, not exactly like the immune humans I'd bitten, but definitely not sweet like the ones who were particularly vulnerable to the virus.

Eric didn't say anything, staring at me in shock until someone killed him in the game and he let loose a string of curses under his breath. He snatched up the controller that had fallen to the floor and glared at me. "She's going to kick your ass, dude. I'd find somewhere new to hang out, because you _know_ she's going to find out."

"Of course she will, especially because I followed you there," Demetri's deep, calm voice boomed from the doorway, where he was standing with his arms crossed casually, looking royally pissed off. I knew better than to lie about it – he'd heard, and I was starting to think there was something to Eric's suspicions that Demetri had some kind of weird tracking ability.

"Oh come on, I didn't give anything away!" I recognized the panic in my voice and swallowed hard, trying to smooth my nerves.

"That's beside the point, Michael." His voice was taunting and dangerous, and I scooted sideways on the couch, trying to gain even an extra inch between us as he walked into the common area. "The point, idiot, is that she told you not to go anywhere near them, and you did it anyway. You have no concept of boundaries. Remember, _Michael_ – you are not immortal. You can easily be destroyed."

I swallowed hard again and nodded, silent, feeling Eric's discomfort at me dragging him into the situation. I felt a twinge of guilt. He'd done nothing wrong, and I worried I'd get him into trouble for something he had nothing to do with.

"You're right, Demetri, sir, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again, and you should know that Eric had nothing to do with this. I just told him about it, and I hope you don't hold it against him."

"I know he didn't, Mike, remember?" Demetri tapped the side of his head, looking ominous. "Regardless, I've got to go get Jane. We're going out tonight, but don't even think about leaving the house. I'll know, and you'll be sorry."

He walked toward the door quickly, rolling up the sleeves of his powder blue dress shirt, and I might have rolled my eyes if he didn't scare the piss out of me. Eric looked at me and nodded in agreement before Demetri paused at the front door, giving me one last look before exiting and slamming the door behind him.

There was a low muttering around us, and I realized that his scolding had not gone unnoticed. There were about 20 of us together, the largest settlement of our kind that I'd heard of. I scowled and kicked at the carpet, embarrassed that my transgression would soon be public knowledge. I wasn't really in the mood to be social so I grabbed a book and went back to my room. My computer screen was flashing, letting me know I had a new e-mail. I flopped into my desk chair and clicked the notification, smiling when I realized that zombie girl – Bree – had written me back!

"_Wat r u doing 2nite?"_

She was still online, and her profile said she was in Port Angeles, of all places. I clicked her name, and sent her an instant message.

"_We're all on house arrest, but nothing else. What's up?"_

I tapped my fingers on my desk, waiting for her response – clumsy, undead fingers took awhile to type, and I was impatient.

"_Want Company?"_ I grinned to myself, knowing she wouldn't be able to resist the Netwinator charm once she got here. I hesitated for a moment, unsure if the boss would allow it, but she hadn't said no guests, and this girl was a fellow Forsaken. As long as the vamps didn't find us, I was pretty sure we'd be safe."

"_Sure, I'll send directions and see you in an hour"_

"_K"_

I logged off, wondering if Demetri would have my balls just for leaving the house long enough to let her in, since I wasn't stupid enough to give her the gate code. My dick was always rock hard these days, whether from stimulation or rigor mortis I wasn't sure. I needed to get off, badly, and had no interest in any of the girls here, so I threw caution to the wind and sent the directions.

I read for awhile in an attempt to pass the time, but I was too excited to focus – in any sense of the word. I heard a rustling noise outside of the front door, which caused everyone to look anxious.

"Can't you smell her? She's one of us, guys. Chill out."

I pulled the door open and cautiously scanned the display that showed the front of the "cave." She looked nervous, but was smoking hot in a red tank top and cut off jean shorts that showed off what was left of her legs. Look, when you're dead and rotting, your standards in a chick drop a lot, and I was no exception. I stepped outside of a side door, smiling as well as I could.

"Bree, I'm Mike. Glad you could make it out!" I approached her and unashamedly checked her out. She was even finer close up.

"Me, too, Mike, My whole family is changed and my parents were driving me crazy!" Her voice was not as hot – nasally and brittle, it was like nails on a blackboard, but I tried to tune that out.

"Well, come in. I figured we'd hang out in my room and get to know each other." I leered at her, half-expecting her to slap me, but she just grinned back and winked. She fucking winked! She obviously was as hot for my jock as I was for hers, which made me think I could be falling in love.

"Lead the way," she said, and I took her hand and lead her through the back hallways directly to my room. The last thing I needed was Yorkie cockblocking me once again. I'd had enough of that shit back when Bella Swan was new to Forks. Once we made it to my room and locked the door, Bree pounced on me with an agility that was impressive for a half-rotted body.

"Mmmpfh" was all I could manage as she pressed her lips to where mine used to be, grinding her tight little body against my crotch. A woman of few words – considering how annoying her voice was, I was more than alright with that.

She pulled away, pausing long enough to pull her tank top off, showing off amazingly perky tits with only a few green, rotted spots. Her nipples were hard and I dropped my head to tug one between my sharp teeth. I was worried I might break the skin, but she thrust against me, moaning as the skin tore and I found myself chewing on her detached nipple. I looked up in horror for a moment, but she just shrugged and stroked my hair. I shrugged back and spit it on the floor, burying my face in her boobs again.

She ripped my shirt off using her teeth, which was more than a little hot. I didn't think it was possible, but I stiffened even more, gaining another inch to the Newtinator. The feral growl ripping from her mutilated throat was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard, at least today.

Her skin felt so soft against me, buttery and smooth as it started sticking to mine. We were both committed to each other, leaving spots of our flesh on the other's skin. I felt something digging into my hip and worried for a minute that she was a zombie tranny, but when I looked down I saw one of her ribs sticking out of her chest, I breathed a putrid sigh of relief. I was open minded, but I'm not into peen. Not even Edward's big, gorgeous sparklepeen…AH! FOCUS, NEWTON!

Bree dropped to her knees and roughly pulled down my pants, taking a bit of skin with it, but I was too turned on to care. She ran her tongue along my length, which was now angled because I'd broken it somewhere along the way. It felt so good, I felt my jaw drop, and instinctively put a hand up to my face to make sure it didn't drop off.

Bree ran her tongue down the base of my shaft and across my meaty balls, looking up at me with cloudy brown eyes.

"Mmm, you taste so good, Mike…like fresh brains!"

I smiled to myself, puffing my chest out with pride, as she gobbled my knob, drooling all over it and making a huge, sexy mess. She used one hand to jerk me off while she licked my balls, the other hand tantalizingly slipping past the waistband of her shorts. Her eyes rolled back slightly when she made contact and I found myself unable to wait any longer. I pulled her off my cock by the hair, growling deep in my throat as I threw her on her back on the bed.

She looked surprised, but a grin spread across her necrotic face as I yanked the shorts down her slim hips. She raised her butt so I could take them off, and I paused for a moment to drink in the ethereal, unloving beauty before me. There were purple and green putrid spots on the flesh, but she was remarkably well preserved.

"I drink embalming fluid," she said, answering my unspoken question with a grin. I nodded, wondering why we'd never thought of that, knowing I'd have to mention it to the others. But I pushed it to the back of my mind. I ran one hand down her no-longer-bleeding breast, across her fleshy hip, and down across the sparse hair on her pussy. She was already wet and I slipped a finger inside of her, pushing roughly as I fisted my erection, groaning at the contact on each side. I let go of my cock after one last, hard squeeze and knelt before her, nipping at the sweet stench between her legs. I dropped kisses on her thighs before diving face first into her wet, rotted pussy.

She moaned and arched her back into my face, and I nipped at her labia, not worrying when I felt it tear beneath my teeth. I found her clit, licking it mercilessly, determined to leave it, if nothing else, attached to her body for my further enjoyment.

"Fuck, Mike!"

She was loud, and her voice seemed less annoying when it was full of want for my hot Newtinator. I felt her shudder beneath me, and she came on my tongue. I gave her less than a second to recover before I crawled up her body and slammed into her.

Fuck, she was tight. I wasn't sure if that was because she was inexperienced, or a side effect of death, but either way, I'd take it. She grinned wickedly at me and squeezed her inner muscles, milking my dick inside of her. I had to think of baseball to keep from finishing too soon. I'd already given her one, but that just wasn't enough for the Newtinator. Her putrid flesh called to me – she was my singer, and I was determined to make sure everyone in the house heard her moans. She pushed me off her, and I was worried I'd hurt her, but she rolled over onto her stomach and wiggled her perfect, gangrened ass at me, saying "woof, woof." My jaw nearly fell off again but I fisted my manmeat, shoving it into her. In a matter of seconds she was moaning all over again, and we both fucked madly, desperately chasing the ultimate high.

"I'm cumming!" she screamed, clenching around me, and I finally erupted my virulent zombie-seed deep inside her sucking pussy. I rolled off her, sighing, slightly concerned with the tug I felt at my groin, and then _I_ was the one screaming.

The Newtinator was still stuck inside her. My stinger was gone.

Sometimes being a zombie really sucks.

_**AN: I told you not to read it. *cracks up* Yes, there's something VERY wrong with me.**_


	5. Life is a Grave, and I Dig it!

_**I could give you a thousand reasons this is late, but I'll give you the most simple one – I have a zillion things to do, including a non-fiction book in the works, so fanfic has taken a backseat. I'm sorry for that, but I hope you'll stick with me, because I love each and every reader I've got! Have no fear – I plan to finish both my WIP fics – zombie Mike is way too fun to abandon.**_

_**Thank you Myria and HopefulWager, who help make this make as much sense as my zombie babble can make!**_

**Ch 5 – Life is a Grave and I Dig it!**

**EPOV:**

Bella finally fell asleep next to Rachel's prone body around midnight, though she'd had a very long day. I carried her to her room, settling her gently into bed and taking a seat next to her, playing with her hair. I liked this time of day – dreams didn't transmit as clearly as thoughts, so I enjoyed the peace and quiet while I watched Bella sleep. She still mumbled things, but she often had nightmares. Understandable, since Hell was here on earth, but I wished I could comfort her somehow. My cool hands on her face seemed to help, but she still writhed and moaned and whispered about seeing her loved ones shredded to pieces before her eyes and rising from the bloody ashes.

"_Edward," _I heard Carlisle think, standing down the hallway to respect my and Bella's privacy, _"Rachel is awake. Would you mind coming to see her?"_

I kissed Bella's forehead tenderly, sighing as she smiled at the touch of my cool lips. I crossed the room quickly and quietly closed the door behind me, moving silently to follow Carlisle to his study.

"Carlisle, where the hell were you?"

I regretted my words instantly, as his face grimaced in anguish, matching the thoughts in his mind.

"Esme and I decided to escape for awhile. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it was a very spur of the moment thing. We just needed some time away from _everyone._"

Once I understood his pointed look, I felt a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. I know there are not a lot of chances for privacy with me around. I don't --"

He cut me off. "I know. And I don't blame you. Your gift is wonderful, but it can be a curse, especially for you. I know you struggle with it, son. That's why we didn't just tell you or ask you to block us for awhile. I never meant to make you feel bad for your talents, Edward. This was my mistake and it won't happen again. Only you and Jasper can really tell just how guilty I feel." He paused, sighing, before giving me a sad smile and changing the subject.

"I think she was unconscious from lack of blood, not from the bites themselves, but she's not entirely immune. She's coherent, but running a high fever. Nothing in her blood shows infection, but we'll keep an eye on her. I think, like us, her genetic mutation has made her immune to the virus itself."

We both breathed a sigh of relief. Rachel had always been kind to Bella and respectful of Carlisle. She kept her distance, like most of the Quileute's, but she was always civil to every vampire in the compound – even the non-vegetarians. I couldn't help but smile as her dark brown eyes met mine. She looked at me oddly, and then feebly grinned back.

"You look like shit, Rachel." My lips twitched a bit more, as I tried to keep from breaking out into a full-fledged grin. Her long hair was tangled and matted with blood, her face pale and wan, but her eyes narrowed at me in true Black form – an expression I'd seen on Jacob's face many times.

"Well, I guess shit looks pretty good to you, Edward."

I threw back my head and laughed at her scowl, until she started giggling too and then winced. I immediately shut up, chagrined at making light of a very serious situation.

"What happened, Rachel?" Carlisle asked, checking her vital signs and shining a light in her eyes.

"I don't know. One minute I was just putting away the extra supplies I brought from downstairs and the next minute, he was there. I didn't even hear him. You know how they usually lumber around, all awkward and noisy? I didn't hear a thing. Granted, I wasn't really listening, but I'm pretty sure I would have heard him. Then nothing – he just jumped on me, and I thought I was a goner but I pushed really hard. He grimaced and actually spit a mouthful of blood on the floor and then ambled toward the door. It was the damnedest thing..."

I met Carlisle's eyes, my own mirroring the confusion I saw there. "First that, now fish? Do you think it's mutating, Carlisle?"

He frowned, running a hand across his eyes and sighing. "I don't know, and I can't draw any conclusive tests on the blood I drew from Mike because I have nothing to compare it to. It looks like the strain in the fish and the strain in Mike are the same, but I would need a sample from the original virus if I were going to make a real comparison. I might have to go out there and find another Forsaken. Someone we knew was infected in the initial outbreak. Perhaps Rebecca from the hospital..."

"No."

Carlisle jumped at the sound of Esme's voice, and then glared at me for not warning him. I shrugged in guilt and stood by to allow her into the room. She glared at Carlisle for a moment before approaching Rachel, placing her icy hands on Rebecca's flaming forehead. "How are you feeling, dear?" She stroked the young woman's hair, gently easing the tangles from it with her fingers.

"I'm okay, Esme. Just hot. I'm so sorry I put everyone in danger by not paying enough attention. Did they find Mike?" Rachel looked guilty, and I heard her conflicted thoughts, worrying that she'd let down her family by failing to protect the humans around her.

I took a deep breath, slid a calm mask onto my face, and tried to quell the pity I felt for the girl and her inner agony. It didn't work and she gave me a sharp look, frowning, but I answered her anyway.

"Not yet. Garrett has organized some of the vampires into a search party of sorts, and they've started scouring the grounds to see where he got off to. We can't find signs of a clumsy or forced exit, but that doesn't mean he didn't get out of the building. The biggest worry right now is whether he got through the perimeter; in building it to keep zombies out, we're pretty sure we unknowingly built it to keep him _in,_ too."

Rachel grimaced and Esme soothed her hair one last time before glancing at Carlisle, giving him a pointed look. He spoke soothingly, placing a walkie-talkie on the table next to her. "I'm sorry we can't move you to your room so you can be more comfortable, but I really think you'll be better here. The vampires and wolves are having a meeting to discuss strategy, but if you need anything, call us on the radio and we'll come back immediately. Do you think you can sleep, or do you want a sedative?"

Rachel yawned again, her eyes drooping slightly before she grinned. "Does that answer your question, Doc? I think I'll be able to sleep fine, but I can take one of the pills if I need it later."

"Don't you even think about it, young lady – you're not moving until you feel better. You just call me and I'll bring you some water and something to eat it with if you need a pill." Esme kissed Rachel's forehead affectionately before looking mortified, worrying that she'd made the girl uncomfortable. Esme's face lit up as Rachel smiled at her, looking truly grateful.

"Thanks, Esme. Carlisle's got me doped up on some pain medicine, so I think I'll be all right. I promise to call you if I need anything, okay?"

Esme nodded and straightened the covers until Carlisle smiled gently and offered her his hand, gently leading her from the room. I threw Rachel a wink and closed the door softly behind us.

I turned to Carlisle. "We're all meeting together? I thought Paul swore he wouldn't be in the same room as Jasper after Jas made him feel horny and hump the refrigerator?"

"We've reached an agreement that powers are not to be used, even though I still maintain that was hilarious." Carlisle's mouth twitched into a smile and Esme smacked him before chuckling.

"So yes, Edward, no powers, though they know you can't entirely block anyone out. Shouldn't need to, since we're talking business. I wonder how they'll feel about a zombie scavenger hunt..."

Esme smacked him again, scowling. "You can't go, Carlisle. Today was proof that you never know when they'll need you around here. Send the wolves if you want, but you're staying here."

We entered the common room where Emmett and Jared were in a playful wrestling match on the worn carpet. Carlisle smiled, but coughed to get everyone's attention, and everyone immediately settled into chairs and beanbags scattered around the otherwise bare room.

"First of all, I've got some great news – Rachel woke up briefly. She --" his voice broke off as the room erupted into cheers before Esme shushed them.

"You'll wake up the humans, and they've had a very long day!"

Everyone looked properly chagrined but was still smiling and quietly whispering to each other. Carlisle grinned hugely before he began again.

"Yes, she woke up and seems to be doing well. As far as I can tell she is not completely immune, but her genes seem to have provided her some protection from the infection. We're not out of the woods yet. She's got a high fever and is very weak, but she's already telling Edward how stupid he is, so she seems to be back to her spunky self."

"That's my girl!" Jacob hissed quietly, his grin wide and his voice full of relief. I rolled my eyes at him and he jokingly blew me a kiss, which made everyone start to laugh. Esme put on her "mom face" and crossed her arms, until the room fell silent and Carlisle spoke again.

"Did the search team find any evidence of Mike's whereabouts?"

Garrett, a tall vampire with sandy hair, stood up, shaking his head. "We found some minor scraping on the northernmost gate. I exited the perimeter and followed his scent into the woods. I lost it near the mountains, but I'm almost certain he left. But how is that possible, Carlisle? He would have had to open the latch, and from what I've seen the infected don't have the mental capacity to work even the simple latches. The fact that it had a safety latch makes me wonder how he managed it, but I'm almost positive he's gone."

The crowd grumbled, unhappy with the possibility that a Forsaken could use our complicated door latching system. Jasper had warned against it immediately, but several humans felt they wanted an escape system in place in case something went wrong in the compound. Jasper finally relented, telling me privately that he couldn't stand anything that added to their anxiety – he was having enough trouble keeping them calm enough to prevent bedlam from breaking out.

Jasper stood up, his voice bristling with the authority of a military man.

"That's not a good sign. I'm removing the door immediately. The humans are going to have to deal with it, and I doubt they'll argue if they discover a zombie may have worked the latch. Just to be sure, though, I suggest that tomorrow we add another 5 feet to the tops of each fence and reinforce the bottoms – I don't want any infected getting anywhere near the front doors. We destroyed the stairs as a last line of defense. Just to be sure, we should probably make an ammo run soon, and let the humans have target practice, in case we have a breach."

The whole room looked a little cross-eyed for a moment, which was pretty common after Jasper ranted about precautions. Jacob shook his head for a minute before smiling. "I think those are all great ideas, Jasper, and I know the vamps can climb the fence or jump over it, but how will the wolves get out?"

"They won't." Rosalie stood in the back of the room with her arms crossed, and the wolves looked pretty stunned. Rosalie very rarely spoke in these meetings, often standing at the back and sometimes even snootily holding her nose.

"Think about it – Rachel got bit, and she's sick. She's not as bad as she could be, but she's still sick. And if the vamps head off on missions, we can only do that with someone watching the home fort. You do your job, and we'll do ours. That way we know everyone's covered and we don't have any of you getting sick. It's win-win."

She genuinely smiled. "Besides, you stink it up in here. Don't pollute and make the hole in the ozone worse, Jacob." His eyes widened before he threw his head back and gave a barking laugh.

"Fair enough, blondie. Speaking of fences, why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?"

Rosalie made a face and stubbornly refused to say anything, trying to hide a small smile.

Jacob grinned and said "Duh, to see what was on the other side."

The room broke into laughter, including Emmett. Rosalie glared at him before laughing, herself. "That's just it, Jacob – I'm awesome and I can _get _to the other side. You and the rest of the dogs are going to stay locked up in the pen!"

The laughter was broken with boos and playful jeers, while Jacob and Sam quickly conferred.

"Fair enough, Rose, but I think that's a pretty good suggestion. We're comfortable with keeping the humans here protected, though before we patch the fence we'd like one last venture outward. We'd like to see what combat with the infected is like, just to make sure biting them isn't toxic in our wolf form, just for practice. Is that cool, Jasper?"

Jasper nodded. "I think that's a great idea, Sam. You never can be too prepared."

"So we'll do that tomorrow, then? And fix the fence either tomorrow night or the day after?"

"I think that's perfect," Carlisle said. "Moving on to other business, I have a proposition for the vampires present."

"No, Carlisle, Garrett won't let me have sex with you and Esme!" Kate said, laughing. She was from Denali and in the coven there – almost as large as ours, and also vegetarian.

"While I'm flattered you would even think of it, Kate, I'm not sure Esme would let you have sex with me and Esme, either." Carlisle chuckled, and it was a joy to see him truly amused after a stressful day of worrying at Rachel's bedside. "I highly suspect the virus has mutated, but I need a sample from one of the original infected. Anyone up for a little game of hide and seek?"

"Sorry, Carlisle, the only thing I hide and seek is in Peter's pants!" Charlotte called out, causing the room to break into hoots and hollers.

"Yeah, I'll hide in you and Esme's closet, good doctor – just pretend I'm not there!" Seth Clearwater called, earning smacks from both his mother and sister.

"God, it's bad enough I have to see your fantasies when we're wolves, Seth. Don't show the vamps your ass, little brother!" Leah scolded, rolling her eyes.

The room slowly calmed, vamps earnestly discussing the matter at hand while the wolves continued making crass jokes and giggling like school girls while the females in their families shook their heads in exasperation.

Alistair, a British friend of Carlisle's who had been stateside when the infection broke out, half-raised his hand, which was a bit surprising. Alistair was broody and normally kept to himself; even the simple act of attending a meeting seemed to put him out a bit. Carlisle turned to face him, hiding his own surprise and smiling encouragingly.

"Carlisle, dear boy, I don't understand why we haven't gone on the offensive. Certainly we could attack the zombies and slowly weed them away. Eventually the infection will stop spreading, even simply by consuming all available humans. We could nip this in the bud and simply have the humans repopulate the planet, while we feed on those disgusting deer until things are under control. A bit of an inconvenience, surely, but when you've got eternity, a few hundred years really doesn't seem all that trying."

The wolves growled menacingly at his not-so-subtle suggestion of repopulating the planet simply so he could have his entrée of choice, and I couldn't say I blamed them.

"Alistair, I am hoping that with research, some of this damage is reversible. And with the possibility of mutation, I would need Forsaken subjects around for testing and samples. A vaccine is often developed from a disease itself. Without that sample, we'd have no hope of saving recently infected or spreading immunity through the human population. And, truth be told, I think there's more to this phenomenon than we previously realized. Mike's escape, and his capture because he recognized a specific human, is what interests me. There were other humans closer to the edge of the woods where he came at us. He passed them to go toward Jessica. I'm starting to wonder if they don't possess more mental facilities than we realized. Truthfully, we don't know just how smart they are."

"Oh Christ – zombies with brains. That's just what we fucking need," Leah muttered, and I found myself inclined to agree with her for once. The room fell broodingly silent for a few moments before Alice stepped forward with a grin on her face. I caught her eye as I read her plan, and started laughing hysterically.

"Alright, I've had enough of you moping sad sacks! We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! Wait, er," she looked a little confused at her own words for a moment, before glaring at Jasper as the room burst into cackles and jeers.

"Stop making me say stupid shit, Jasper! Surely your talent has better use than that!"

"Sorry, toots, I just thought we could all use a laugh. Besides, they all know that no woman of mine would be gay, unless, of course I was invited..." Jasper's voice trailed off as he winked at Tanya, Kate's sister, who grinned and wolf whistled.

"Yeah, well, just know that you ain't getting any tonight, little man!" The room laughed harder, some of the pack howling in mirth and pounding the tables, which I worried might break, but I knew we needed the stress relief after heightened patrols the past couple of days. I turned to Alice, nudging her to remind her of her plans.

"Oh, right! Anyway, I thought we could use a little break from the job scene and have some fun tonight. And no, Kate – it doesn't involve playing Spin the Bottle or Pin the Tail on the Werewolf!" The room echoed more laughter and some groans, as Kate grinned ruefully and shrugged her dainty shoulders.

"I was thinking more along the line of...karaoke." This statement got even more groans as Jasper moved behind Alice, setting up my laptop, which held 7 million songs of every type and time period. No one needed to know that Bella and I had an active Sound of Music fantasy, much less that Bella's tongue rivaled Gene Simmons' monstrosity. Music had always been a huge part of my life – Bella just made it saucier.

"Oh suck it up – we're doing it. And to sweeten the pot, I have a prize for the winners! If its vampires, they'll get a pint of human blood from Carlisle's stash, and if it's wolves they get a full-course steak dinner, compliments of Bella. I hear her steak is to die for – pun so totally intended. There's only one catch – you have to sing about zombies. Improvise! You can play on teams or alone, though the pint of blood is limited to four so we don't use too much of our reserves. Think of a song, come check Edward's laptop to make sure we have it, then think of ways to change the lyrics to be about zombies! We'll perform for the humans at breakfast, and they'll vote tomorrow on the winners!"

For once, her enthusiasm was met with excitement rather than exasperated groans. I wasn't entirely sure when she'd had the idea, but she knew better than anyone that it'd be a success. Even Leah and Sam's fiancée, Emily, the least trusting of the group, were talking animatedly, laughing and grabbing scratch paper to scribble ideas.

After thirty minutes of near-constant laughter from the little groups, Alice called for last-minute song checks, and asked Jasper to act as DJ. I was pleased. We hadn't seen so many smiles since Leah and Paul had found out about the baby. Jasper winked at me, also pleased with the contentment and amusement that filled the room. He was easily overwhelmed these days, and I suspected Alice had planned this more to ease his anxiety than anyone else's.

I sat back, smiling contentedly at the groups around me, reaching to ruffle Seth's hair as he came to make sure we had his song on the laptop. He ducked and playfully growled "Come on, Cullen – watch the 'do! How am I supposed to get a chick if my hair's all mussed up like _yours?_"

Emmett burst into laughter and grinned at me. "Well, Seth, Edward found that the Flock of Seagulls tribute ensnared nubile young women like Bella, so maybe you should take advice from him!" I glared at Emmett before he continued. "Dude, what _is _with the hair? You're lucky Bella doesn't shave your head in your sleep with a mop like that."

"You mean like the time Rosalie shaved a heart into your pubic hair? Did that ever grow back, Emmett?"

His face fell and he scowled, looking sheepish. "No, and why did you have to bring that up?" he muttered, throwing me a glare before walking toward the door. "Geez, and you think _Rosalie's_ a bitch?"

_**A/N:**_

_**Hopefulwager's note on searching for Mike and "where he got off to" was priceless and I had to share: **__"_Funny, because in the last chapter, he got off, and then IT got off. Boy, when Mike gets off it really gets off."

_**I've got the zombie songs written up, so a nice start on the next chapter. Thanks for sticking with me and my sporadic updates. I love you all!**_


	6. Backstage Pass to Hell

_**A/N: Howdy folks – izzzyy here. Did you know I have a twitter? Yep, and I've love more zombie lovers following me. I tweet teasers, pictures, lol links and all sorts of madness. I also have a Twilighted thread (link on my profile) where I pretty much talk to myself. I'd really like to talk to **_**you**_** though, so you should check it out!**_

_**Thanks to my lovely KayDee1005 and of course hopefulwager. They turn my hot messes into hot less-messes, and their comments are hysterical. **_

_**This chapter is heavy on the lyrics, but I'm hoping you won't mind, since I rewrote most of them. **_

_**Please tell me what you think – your votes will determine who wins the karaoke prize!**_

Chapter 6 – Backstage Pass to Hell

EPOV:

The morning dawned clear and bright, with none of the rain that had been plaguing us for days. Bella stirred in my arms shortly after dawn and murmured, "No, Jake – bad dog!" before settling on her side. I stifled my laughter and made a note to tell Jake of his newest dream status when we went down to breakfast.

Bella finally woke for good just after six and scolded me for letting her sleep so late. "You know, Esme's probably been working on the food for an hour already! Ugh, I need to just get an alarm clock – you never wake me up on time!"

I smiled at her angry kitten routine, which I'd become accustomed to over the weeks. I always took Bella seriously when she was truly angry, but her irritated snits were far too amusing to ignore. Right now she was dragging a brush through her hair, unaware that it was actually making her lust-worthy locks so staticky that it was sticking straight up in the back. It reminded me of that Pippi Longstocking character Alice dressed up as for Halloween each year for the past decade.

I successfully repressed my smile as Bella stormed out of the room, heading toward the kitchen. I knew Esme didn't actually start breakfast until Bella was there, knowing how important it was to her to have a role and something she could contribute to the group. No one had the heart to point out that Esme could easily cook for everyone in a matter of hours, simply because of vampire speed. Carlisle insisted that every human needed a job to feel important and part of the community.

Esme was humming a lullaby and cleaning the already pristine kitchen when we arrived. She'd been acting a bit strangely lately. She was wearing a short-sleeved, button-down blouse with a pencil skirt and pumps, which was a bit more suburban than her normal tastes, and she'd started spending an inordinate amount of time with the few children we housed. She smiled as Bella and I entered the kitchen, taking the time to smooth a crisp white apron over her skirt, placing a feather duster on the counter.

"I'm so sorry, Esme. _Edward_ forgot to wake me up," Bella ranted, sending me a pointed glance. Esme smiled graciously and straightened her pearls as she winked at me, knowing I wouldn't allow Bella to make me feel guilty.

"It's no problem, Bella dear. You need your sleep! I figure we'll do pancakes today. I've got everything all set out and ready to go."

I kissed Bella softly before she crossed the kitchen and joined Esme. "I'm going to leave you ladies to it and go check on Rachel. Oh, and Angela's on her way down to help as well," I noted, sensing Angela coming down the north stairway.

"Give Rachel our love," Esme called as I headed out the door. I gave her a thumbs up without turning around to let her know I'd heard her and smiled at Angela as we passed in the hallway. She yawned and returned a sleepy grin as she ricocheted off the doorframe and into the kitchen.

The hotel slowly filled with noises of waking humans and emerging vampires, the latter often hiding on the upper floors of different wings at night in an attempt to get some privacy from one another. I knocked once before entering Carlisle's study and then the infirmary, where he was checking Rachel's temperature.

"How's the patient, doc? Is she ready to be your naughty nurse again?" I asked, noting the slightly rosier tint to Rachel's cheeks and Carlisle's optimistic thoughts.

"Ew, Edward, how uncouth. Besides, you know Esme would kill me. She's one soccer mom I would never cross," Rachel grumbled, hiding her smile behind her long, still-tangled hair. "Speaking of, doc, do you think Mama Esme could help me take a shower? I feel disgusting after being touched by that thing, and all sweaty too."

Carlisle made a notation on his clipboard and laughed, "I'm sure Esme will have no problem with that once she and Bella have finished making breakfast. Though she keeps muttering something about school supplies…" His voice trailed off, sounding confused. "Has she said anything to you about school supplies, Edward?"

"No," I responded, scratching the back of my neck out of habit. "Maybe she's got plans for the kids to do school work or something?"

"That's probably right on the mark, though I'm sure the kids will be resistant. I'm just glad they're coping as well as they are. Maybe school _would_ be a good idea – or at least arts and crafts time. They need a chance to just be kids."

"That's a pretty good idea, Carlisle. I'll make sure we bring it up at the meeting. I think Alice said they were a little vulgar, so they're going to do them at lunch while Esme takes the kids to the roof to run around a bit. Emmett said he'd set up a basketball hoop for them to play with."

I settled on the cot next to Rachel and ruffled her hair, ducking when she took a playful swing at me. "So how are you feeling?" I asked her, genuinely concerned but happy to see her still feisty.

"Okay, actually. Carlisle says the fever's down but I still feel pretty run down and tired."

"You're still going to need a lot of rest, so no naughty nurse for you yet," Carlisle added. "But the fact that the fever's gone and you're still in your right mind is a good sign. The pack will be relieved and we can send the vampires out to retrieve samples soon."

"Ugh, I can't believe you're bringing another one in here after all this. I mean, I get why, but it just seems like it's tempting fate," Rachel muttered, and Carlisle smiled sadly.

"I know, Rach, and I will forever carry the guilt of Mike attacking you. This time we'll keep a vampire with the Forsaken at all times to make sure it's watched every second. I can't believe I was foolish enough to make that mistake, but again, I think they're smarter than we realized, which also means they're playing dumb – and I want to know why. If they have intelligence, perhaps they can be trained to coexist."

"Are you crazy, Carlisle?!" Rachel cried. "They eat human flesh – there's no way we can coexist when they're trying to _eat_ us."

I coughed pointedly and she immediately looked chagrined.

"That's different, Edward – you choose. And when this is all over, the other vampires will probably eat us anyway. The zombies don't seem to be choosing. I mean, Mike went after Jessica and then me. It's obvious he's trying to do damage. I don't know if we could ever trust them. At least the vamps were sneaky about eating humans before this mess!"

I snorted. "Right, because _not knowing_ is so much better – at least if zombies were in the open you could avoid them!"

Rachel opened her mouth to respond but Carlisle cut her off, "Cut it out, you two. Rachel, would you like Edward to bring you some breakfast? Esme should be finished making it and she can help you bathe afterward. I think Esme said they're having pancakes, and you didn't get many calories yesterday."

"Oh, yes please, Edward, if you don't mind. I'm starving!"

"No prob Rach, I'll be right back."

I zipped out of the room and down to the kitchen using vampire speed. Time wasn't of the essence, but sometimes it was nice to blow off some steam and run just for the hell of it. I longed for the days when I could run all the way to Canada and back without worrying about Bella's safety. A few rogue vampires seemed like nothing compared to an army of undead brain eaters who could actually figure out how to get to her.

I was torn out of my introspection by Rosalie rudely waving a hand in front of my face. "Earth to Emoward, come in! How is Rachel?" I looked around and noticed the dining area had gotten quiet while waiting for my response.

"Oh! She's feeling a lot better. Her fever's gone and Carlisle sent me to get her breakfast. I think she's going to be okay," I mumbled, kind of embarrassed, but the room erupted in cheers and I smiled stupidly. I may be a moody bastard but it was gratifying to bring good news to a room full of worried people.

I took Rachel her breakfast and then returned to the kitchen to help Bella and some of the other humans do the dishes. The morning passed quickly with groups of humans and vampires coming and going, doing laundry and gardening. After lunch, Esme and Rosalie herded the kids upstairs to play while Alice introduced the various groups participating in the karaoke contest.

I have to admit – I was pretty impressed with the results. Once everyone got over groaning that karaoke was lame, they really got into it. Jacob and Paul were the first to go with Leah and Emily dressed up in funny, slightly skanky outfits as back up dancers.

Jacob nodded to Alice who hit a button on my laptop, playing the first strains of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot. I cringed, wondering who had put that musical monstrosity on my laptop and when, but was quickly distracted by the crowd already laughing at the group's synchronized dance moves.

"_We like kicking your butt and we cannot lie! _

_No wolfy can deny -_

_when a zombie walks in with a rotting face _

_and it gets all in your space _

_we FURSPLODE! _

_Wanna kick your butt_

_cause your whole body stinks!_

_Eye deep in the way you're staring_

_not noticing the rags you're wearing,_

_oh baby, I wanna just hit ya_

_and burn stuff witcha._

_My homewolves try to warn me_

_cause watch out boy – the Fig is horny!_

_Oh rotting off skin_

_you say you want to nom on Ben? _

_Well try it and you'll die for it_

_I'll strike and won't deny it!_

_Zombies watch your back!" _

Paul started faux-beatboxing and the crowd went wild, clapping and hooting as Em and Leah went into a mind-bending array of body-twisting displays. Sam alternated between staring longingly at Emily and glaring at the room full of people who dared look at her in her tight cut off shorts. Jasper sent some calm over to Sam who glared at him before finally laughing and realizing that he was being silly. He stood up and clapped along with everyone else when the group came to their fake-scratching dancing close.

Alice gave Leah and Emily the go ahead to go change before they sang their song and called up Jared and Paul, who were both wearing faded Red Sox t-shirts. I figured they'd be rapping like Jacob and Paul, but the dulcet tones of "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond floated across the room instead. I wasn't the only one surprised – the audience looked bemused as Jared and Colin started swaying comically to the beat, snapping their fingers and putting on soppy faces, singling out girls in the crowd to serenade.

"_When it began I can't pretend to know why_

_But now that it's here I know that I_

_Fell very strong and so undeadly alive_

_Who'd of believed we'd be here alone_

_Hands, cut off hands reaching out_

_Touching me, touching you_

_Oh sweet – zombiefied! (Dun dun dun!)_

_Dead brains never seemed so good (so good! So good! So good!)_

_I've been inclined (dun dun dun!)_

_to think they never would (but they do!)_

_And now I look at the night, woah_

_It's not so dark and scary_

_We fill it up by eating Toms and Marys_

_And when I hurt_

_My limbs just fall right off now_

_And I don't bother picking them up"_

Jared and Colin worked the ballad like Vegas performers, winking at girls and getting the crowd to sing along with them to the chorus. A pair of red lacy panties flew from the crowd and hit Colin in the face. Jake blew him a kiss and Colin dropped the panties pronto, spluttering the next few lines.

"_Hands, cut off hands reaching out_

_Touching me, touching you_

_Oh sweet – zombiefied! (Dun dun dun!)_

_Dead brains never seemed so good (so good! So good! So good!)_

_I've been inclined (dun dun dun!)_

_to think they never would (but they do!)"_

Colin walked up one of the humans who joined us from the Midwest and winked again, presenting her with a short-stemmed rose he pulled out of his back pocket. I had to admit it – the kid had game. The girl, whose name was Rebecca, blushed and took it, swiftly kissing Colin on the cheek before covering her face with her hands. Alice glanced at me and I saw her vision of Colin and Rebecca kissing in the moonlight and we both smiled. Perhaps life could go on, even in the midst of the apocalypse.

"Well, we might as well continue with the wolves – they're kicking ass!" Alice laughed and the crowd cheered again, just for the hell of it. Alice was a genius – I hadn't been paying enough attention to the thoughts of the humans to realize how low they'd been feeling.

"Let's pick up the pace with some Bob Seger. Quil and Embry are going do something with 'Old Time Rock and Roll' so let's hear it for them!" Alice was in full MC mode, and the crowd got even louder as the guys walked to the front in tighty whities and dress shirts, wearing white socks and sunglasses, holding hairbrushes. As the music started, they started shaking their hips Elvis-style and sang into the hairbrushes like microphones.

"_Just take those cans of beans off the shelf_

_We'll just toss them – I won't eat them, myself_

_Today's canned goods ain't got the same soul_

_I like a big thing of brains in a bowl!_

_Don't try to make me eat some Crisco_

_I'll just start hurling all it over the floor_

_Just throw that nasty stuff out the door_

_I like a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_Still like a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_I like eating things that once had a soul_

_I'll eat them heated up or eat them cold_

_Just a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_Don't want pineapple or mango_

_I'd rather eat what comes and goes_

_Only way you can make me go_

_Serve me a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_Call me a zombie call me whatcha will_

_I like my food live, but standing still_

_Make sure the heart's beatin and it's got a soul_

_I like a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_Still like a big thing of brains in a bowl_

_I like eating things that once had a soul_

_I'll eat them heated up or eat them cold_

_but I like a big thing of brains in a bowl!"_

The older crowd especially liked that one, and Sue Clearwater stood up and started wolf-whistling and dancing as the boys finished up. It was nice to see her loosen up – as the "pack mother" of sorts, she'd been under incredible stress when Rachel was attacked.

"Wow, guys! That was awesome! Let's hear it again for Embry and Quil!" Alice called from the front, and everyone clapped the guys on the back as they returned to their seats.

"And now for our only solo act," Alice called out. "You're brave, Seth, I gotta give you that. With a little Garth Brooks and 'Friends in Low Places,' let's hear it for Seth Clearwater!"

Seth had been skulking out in the hallway, but I finally understood why. He walked in to cheers and catcalls wearing tight jeans, a huge silver belt buckle, cowboy boots and a hat. I had no idea where he found it all, but it actually looked pretty good on him. He grabbed a pitcher we'd been using to serve water and turned to the ground.

"Everyone's got to pretend this is beer – Mom won't let me have any," he admitted, grinning ruefully, and the room burst into laughter. He blushed and nodded to Alice, who started the song and Seth began to sing in an uncanny country twang.

"_Blame it all on my roots_

_I showed up in boots_

_And laughed at Edward's emo hair _

_The last one to know_

_I was the last one to show_

_I was off with my head in a hole somewhere_

_And I saw the surprise_

_And the fear in his eyes_

_When I caught Mike Newton running around_

_I tripped his ass_

_Watched him fall over with a splash_

_And flail all over the ground _

_Cause I got friends with no faces_

_Cause they all got bit in bad places the other day_

_They won't be okay_

_I'm not big on stinky places_

_I came thinkin' Forks was an oasis_

_And now I've got friends with no faces!_

_Well I guess I was wrong_

_Clearly I don't belong_

'_Cause Alice makes me sit on the floor_

_She wiggles her toes_

_Makes me paint them 'til they glow_

_And then she shoves me out the door_

_Hey I didn't mean_

_To be so serene_

_Your boyfriend – he fucks with my head _

_And everywhere I look_

_Bella's head's in a book_

_And we're surrounded by the living dead_

_Cause I got friends with no faces_

_Cause they all got bit in bad places the other day_

_They won't be okay_

_I'm not big on stinky places_

_I came thinkin' Forks was an oasis_

_And now I've got friends with no faces!"_

Seth had been toasting people and taking big swigs out of the pitcher. I had to admit I was pretty impressed with his showmanship – he even _sounded_ like Garth Brooks, and the group absolutely loved it. As he finished and took a goofy bow, one of Rebecca's friends stole her rose and threw it at him, theater-style. Seth laughed and stuck it between his teeth, bowing again before running from the room thinking _"Ugh, these pants are so tight my boys are getting squished!"_ I tried to repress my shudder from thinking about Seth's balls and turned back to the front.

"One last wolf group and then we'll let the vampires have their turn. Leah and Emily are going to sing 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey!"

Emily and Leah had changed into normal clothes and looked much more comfortable. They waved to the crowd, blowing their boyfriends kisses and took their place at the front of the dining room. The music started and they bobbed their heads, singing together as Leah pretended to beat the tables as drums and Emily played air guitar along with the cheesy 80s riffs.

"_Just a small town girl – Forks is like the end of the world_

_Went to Port Angeles just to escape_

_Just a city boy – making lots of groaning noise_

_Was in Port Angeles when he escaped_

_Standing in a hospital room_

_From dawn until after noon_

_He comes in and takes a bite_

_It goes on and on and on and on_

_Stopping; Staring – they lock eyes for just a moment_

_She starts laughing – brains in his teeeeeth_

_Breathing; Screaming_

_She stares at him in disbelief_

_Silence, heavy – they fall in love in the nigggght!_

_She rides him from dawn until_

_She's finally finished getting her thrills_

_Orgasms twice a night _

_It goes on and on and on and on _

_Stopping; Staring – they lock eyes for just a moment_

_She starts laughing – brains in his teeeeeth_

_Breathing; Screaming_

_She stares at him in disbelief_

_Silence, heavy – they fall in love in the nigggght!_

_Don't stop the bleedin'_

_Love can be all too fleetin'_

_Don't stop the bleedin' feel the looooove!"_

The room erupted into cheers and hollers with Paul jumping across a table to pick Leah up and swing her in a circle, laughing.

"Well, it looks like the vamps have a ridiculously tough act to follow – you were all spectacular, guys! Thanks to all of you!" The crowd kept cheering and Alice beamed with pride. I could tell by her thoughts that the event was even more successful than she'd hoped, and we were only halfway done.

"Okay, okay, we're not done yet, guys! First up from the vamp side – everybody's favorite threesome, Peter, Charlotte and Maria!" Jasper glared at Alice and covered his face with his palm, but the three vamps just laughed and made their way to the front. Maria stuck her tongue out at Alice, but Alice just laughed and started the music. "Mandy" by Barry Manilow floated through the air and the trio started swaying comically, overacting to the hilt.

"_I remember all my life_

_My skin was as hard and cold as ice._

_A shadow of a man _

_taking lives in the night _

_the night goes into_

_morning, just another day_

_until a zombie passed my way_

_looking at its eyes_

_all cloudy and disgusting_

_I never realized _

_the things we were discussing _

_Oh zombie... _

_well you came, and you gave without taking... _

_but I sent you away. _

_Oh zombie... _

_well you hit me and bit me like bacon,_

_and then you did eat my brains... Oh zombie!_

_Standing on the edge of time_

_Zombie's eating that human that was mine_

_I totally called him_

_he looked delicious_

_And now they're all over him_

_and they're eating him – vicious! _

_Oh zombie... _

_well you came, and you gave without taking... _

_but I sent you away. _

_Oh zombie... _

_well you hit me and bit me like bacon,_

_and then you did eat my brains... Oh zombie!"_

The humans looked at the trio a bit sourly, well aware that the vampires were complaining about zombies eating the humans _they_ wanted to eat, but Paul started giggling in a weird, high-pitched voice and his laughter was infections.

"I'm not entirely sure you really feel the spirit of the game," Emily scolded them, but the vampires laughed and took pretend bows.

"Actually, I'm kind of getting used to the vegetarian thing," Peter confessed. "I never thought I'd say that, but the mountain lions up in Canada aren't that different from human blood," he continued, looking somewhat contrite. "All that shit I gave you, Jasper, and I think you're right – there are a lot of assholes in the world, but it's hard to think of eating humans now that I've gotten to know some."

That statement brought even louder cheers, and Carlisle strode forward to clap Peter on the shoulder. Bella giggled beside me and whispered, "Oh God – this response reminds me of when I was little and Grandma Marie made me go to church camp. Everyone would cheer when someone would accept Jesus. It's Jesus camp, Edward!" she started laughing and I kissed her forehead, glad to see her so at ease.

"Well, that was unexpected!" Alice chirped as the crowd started to quiet. "But that's another discussion for another day. For now, let's get to the Denali sisters with Britney Spears' 'Piece of Me!'"

Kate, Tanya and Irina all strode to the front of the room in jeans and matching tight t-shirts, cut low to reveal their cleavage. The succubus sisters were at it again, seducing wolf, vamp and human men alike. As they started to groove to the heavy grinding beat, more than a few women were showing interest, too.

"_Lived the American dream since before 1917_

_Drinking from bears and staring down the snowy Alaska scene_

_Now you're walking around dead like a B movie king_

_do you want a piece of us?_

_We eat animals for good karma, don't want your zombie drama_

_So go pick on someone else, like you're zombie baby mama_

_We'll protect everyone here until the day you're in the clear_

_do you want a piece of us?_

_It's hardly Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_And it's all because zombies are shameless_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_We're stuck with all the wolves and this just in –_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_you zombies sure fuck up our Zen!_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_You come to our camp and we'll start it all off_

_we'll rip you limb from limb without sparing a thought_

_send you retreating in havoc_

_with less brains than you brought_

_do you want a piece of us?_

_It's hardly Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_And it's all because zombies are shameless_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_We're stuck with all the wolves and this just in –_

_(do you want a piece of us?)_

_you zombies sure fuck up our Zen!_

_(do you want a piece of us?)"_

The girls ended to thunderous applause and a few sour looks from the females in the crowd who did _not_ appreciate their men being sorely tempted by the vampire babes. Tanya shot me a wink and laughed, knowing they'd caused some waves, but her thoughts showed it was innocent fun and they'd never pursue an attached male, no matter what they circumstances.

"Well, that was, uh… Well, that certainly was something!" Alice trilled, and Irina looked a teensy bit guilty. "Don't worry, ladies – these three are strictly look but don't touch, so you have nothing to worry about!" The three behind her nodded eagerly then headed back to their seats, exchanging high fives.

"Next up are Garrett and Eleazar singing 'Heartbreak Hotel' by Elvis Presley!"

I burst into laughter as the boys stepped forward, both wearing rhinestone jumpsuits with aviator sunglasses.

"Where the hell did they find those?" Bella said, staring with her jaw wide open.

"I have no idea, but they really went all out, didn't they? I mean, they only had about 8 hours to work on it, though knowing those two, they had them already for some reason we don't want to know. I know Kate has a thing for Elvis," my voice trailed off and I shuddered, trying to repress any ideas of Kate and Garrett role-playing Elvis and Priscilla in the bedroom.

"I heard that, Edward!" Kate called, shaking her finger at me from a few tables over.

"Thank you, thank you very much!" Garrett called from the front, quieting the crowd as the music started to play and they began to sing.

"_Well since my baby got bit_

_had to find a new place to dwell_

_This place on the edge of Forks you see_

_called zombie hotel!_

_Well I ain't lonely_

_Got lots of company_

_But with our help no one will die_

_It's hardly over crowded_

_we've got plenty of room_

_but we're sitting in the lobby singing_

_about zombies and doom_

_Well I ain't lonely_

_Got lots of company_

_but with our help no one will die_

_Well the bellhops tried to eat us_

_and they were all dressed in black_

_we kicked them out the fence somehow_

_they won't be coming back_

_Well I ain't lonely_

_Got lots of company_

_But with our help no one will die_

_Now if your baby gets bit_

_and you have a good tale to tell_

_don't scream and shout – come check us out_

_at the zombie motel_

_Well I ain't lonely_

_Got lots of company_

_But with our help no one will die!"_

After gratuitous hip thrusting and lip curling, the boys finished up to applause and the contest was at an end.

"Did you guys enjoy that?" Alice asked the crowd, getting them to stand up and cheer. "Excellent! Jasper and I are going to have a ballot box up here at the front. Please remember to vote for your favorite act today and we'll announce the winner after dinner. Now, one last song before we go finish our chores, and I think it's particularly apt in our situation, so you're all going to have to sing along!" She grinned and hit the play key one last time.

The strains of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" pumped out of the speakers, and everyone began cheering and chanting along with the music, busting out their favorite 70s disco moves and screaming at the top of their lungs.

Jasper sat with his arms crossed at the side of the room, and I took note of the emotions he was feeling from the room – hope. After weeks of confinement, the room still had hope that we'd find a way out of this mess.

For the first time in ages, I felt alive.

_**Thanks for reading – please don't forget to vote!**_


	7. Demons are a Girl's Best Friend

_**A/N: OKAY, NGL. I have a reason for posting, so…thanks for whoever nominated me for a Golden Lemon Award for best zombie/horror lemon! If you haven't voted, I'd really love you to check it out. There are tons of great categories and nominees. I put the link up on my profile, and voting ends on August 30**__**th**__**, so better get cracking!**_

_**I was originally going to make this an outtake, but I wanted to do some **_shameful_** self-pimping, even if it is just a few days before voting ends.**_

_**A thousand apologies, but this is unbetaed. Once it came out I just wanted to post it, because I've had the idea in my head for ages. You can find the picture that inspired it on my Twilighted thread.**_

* * *

**Mike POV:**

After the first few months, someone finally thought to ask the vamps why we still had power. "Duh," Alec, Jane's twin brother, replied. "Forsaken run the power companies. Jane set that up ahead of time because I told her I'd kill her if I had to wait another twelve years for Starcraft II. For fuck's sake – you don't fuck with a guy's video games, twin sister or not."

Eric nodded enthusiastically, totally caught up in his latest round of Resident Evil. "That's true, even if games get it all wrong. I mean look how _easy_ it is to decapitate these guys! How many humans do _you_ know who can get a perfect headshot every time? Yeah, I don't think so."

"Shut up, Yorkie" came a chorus of voices from around the cavernous main room, all bored and sick of hearing him yap about pixilated bullshit.

"Seriously, dude, even Alec has a life – that hot little piece of ass on the side. You really need to get out of the cave, Eric," I muttered, but Eric didn't even glance up from the screen.

"Whatever, you're just pissed I kicked your ass in the last time trial. Besides, we wouldn't even have all this stuff if it weren't for me setting it up, so go watch your own TV. Isn't there an episode of Project Runway you should be watching?"

I stood to give him a noogie, but Demetri gave me "the look" and I knew it'd be best to leave it alone and let Eric be annoying on his lonesome. I shambled toward my room, deciding I'd call Bree and see if she wanted to meet up again, even though my cock wasn't completely healed.

* * *

"You're _what?"_ I screamed into the phone, wincing when I realized how loud my voice was. If Jane heard me, I was dead meat, and that was even before having to acknowledge I'd invited someone to the compound. Frankly, I was surprised the other vamps hadn't turned me in, but I appealed to their male natures and they agreed that everyone needs to get laid once in awhile.

I'm still mourning the loss of the Newtinator, but Dr. Gerandy, from Forks General, was in the compound, and he assured me that once the stitches came out I'd be good as new – apparently zombie tissue may rot and stink, but is remarkably resilient when it comes to stitching things back on. That was a great relief to Eric, who lost his right arm from jerking off too much. Dr. Gerandy sewed that back on, too. The Forsaken really are a miracle of modern medicine…

Speaking of miracles…

"How can you be _pregnant_?" I hissed into my cell, listening to Bree cry on the other end. "I'm a fucking _zombie_ – we don't have sperm!"

"Oh don't be ridiculous, _Michael_," she snapped back. "Everyone knows zombies have sperm. It's vampires that don't. The idea of a vampire baby is just ridiculous!"

"But, you..I…" I sputtered, trying to find the words for my surprise. "But why didn't you tell me that? We could have used a condom!"

Bree sighed heavily before responding. "To be honest, I didn't think it'd be an issue. Frankly I think your wang being stuck inside me acted as a plug and just didn't let them… uh… leak out like normal. I don't know, Mike, I've had a lot of sex but this is the first period I've ever missed!"

"You have a _period_? But we don't have blood! I don't even know…" I trailed off, swallowing a lump in my throat. In some ways I was excited. I'd always wanted to be a dad, someday, and though I'd never thought about it, I was a bit sad when I thought I'd lost the chance when I changed. Still…I wasn't sure I was ready for this.

The peripheral alarms went off, scaring the crap out of me and making me accidentally send my phone flying. I scrambled after it while Demetri and Felix zipped to the computer banks that covered the perimeter. The alarms finally quit sounding, though they left a ringing in my ears.

"It's an old man," Felix muttered before grabbing the mic and using the PA system. "Announce yourself, Forsaken. Why have you approached our fortress?"

Eric and I glanced at each other and rolled our eyes at Felix's formal language but otherwise stayed silent. I had accidentally hung up on Bree, and she'd already called back twice. I silenced my phone, deciding I'd call her once the alarm situation was under control. We weren't exactly easy to find, so someone showing up on our doorstep was probably not random.

"I'm here to see Mike Newton!" The guy's voice was low and gravely with a bit of redneck twang to it. "He knocked up my daughter!"

Everyone went silent and I felt, rather than saw, everyone's eyes swivel to my face. After what felt like an eternity, but probably was only about ten seconds, Demetri started laughing hysterically. "You didn't wrap it, Newton? God, you really are as stupid as you look," he said between laughs, and pressed the button to let the redneck come inside.

"Don't let him in here, are you insane? He'll kill me!" I cried, ashamed that my voice came out sounding like I was fifteen again.

"That's kind of the point, Newton. If he doesn't kill you, Jane will, as well as everyone who knew you brought that girl here. You're such a moron! Don't you humans have sexual education classes?" Demetri was still laughing; though he looked a little more morose knowing Jane would become aware of his involvement in the situation.

Felix blinked to the door to let the guy in and started laughing when he saw him. "Oh, Mike… I don't think he's going to kill you. I think you're going to have to be a stand up guy and take care of the baby, though."

I was about to ask him what the fuck he was talking about when I saw him step over the threshold, a shotgun held in his mangled hands. "That's right. You're gonna do right by my baby girl, or you're gonna get a face full of lead!"

* * *

"Oh Mike, she looks beautiful!" Jane gushed over Bree, who I had to admit looked very pretty.

Jane had initially thrown a hissyfit, but Alec threatened to use his power on her for the duration of the service if she didn't calm down. Over the past few months she'd actually gotten into the spirit of things. When she showed up to start planning the buffet, the other vamps just stared at her until she snapped. "What? I'm a girl. I have a vagina. If I'm going to put up with this, I might as well enjoy some of it!" Demetri shook his head in wonder, but no one said a word about it again. They may be vamps, but they knew who was in charge.

Bree was wearing a long white gown with a veil that covered the missing spots of her collarbones. She even smelled good – floral somehow. She slowly walked down the aisle on her father's arm – who was thankfully sans shotgun – and as much as I was dreading this, I figured I could make it work. I mean, sure I wanted to cry every time she opened her mouth, but that's normal for a married couple, right? And she was going to have our baby – she was already showing a little bit, since she'd insisted we wait until spring to have the wedding. Her dad agreed, once he was satisfied I wouldn't be running out on her.

I had finally given in to one of my deepest secret fantasies – I was dressed as the amazing Spiderman. Bree laughed initially, but then admitted she found my geekiness kind of charming. Eric was pissed I was doing it and not him, but come on – like anyone would marry that dork. I took the mask off for the ceremony, allowing myself to smile as my bride came down the aisle. I could do this.

The ceremony seemed to drag on, but that may be because Dr. Gerandy had finally cleared me for "intimacy" and I was dying to get Bree to the honeymoon suite of the compound. Jane insisted we do everything right, including not allowing me to see Bree before the ceremony, so I was itching to reenact the night that had landed us here in the first place.

Okay, okay, so maybe I was _slightly_ fond of her. She reads comic books and can kick Eric's ass in Halo! I mean, I could have done a _lot_ worse – like Jessica Stanley.

"To have and to hold, as long as we both shall unlive, until both of my arms fall off and Dr. Gerandy isn't around to sew them back on," I said solemnly, and Bree smiled at the words. Before I knew it, it was time to kiss the bride, and I had to try to hide my semi – my dick had been in overdrive since it'd been reattached. And yeah, have you ever tried to hide a boner while wearing spandex? Luckily my new wife realized my dilemma and stood in front of me, standing close enough to at least try to hide it.

Am I a lucky guy or what? Plus, she was a tiger in the sack… Wait, when did I become _happy_ to be married? Oh, right. Since I remembered my only other option was Jessica Stanley.

Jane had spared no expense on the buffet – she'd had the vamps branch out across North America to bring in a variety of brain delicacies. My favorite was the whale brain stew. Something about it tasted fishy, but not overly so, with a hint of dill and rosemary. It was rare that we had the chance to feast on such an assortment of animals, and the boys seemed to have a good time collecting the brains, since they got to travel and test the blood. Apparently Demetri's talent can track things as small as the cells and microorganisms of the virus – which came as a surprise to everyone, especially him. It certainly put our vamps at an advantage to the Cullen Compound vamps, who, as far as we knew, were still abstaining completely to avoid the virus.

After a few hours of dancing and feasting, I met Bree's eyes across the large main room and flicked my head toward the stairs. She nodded eagerly, and I swept her into my arms, grateful I'd married a skinny bitch. Everyone threw rice as we ascended the stairs, which made Alec grumble about having to clean it up, but he smiled in spite of himself.

The room had been set with a large bed with rose petals and candles. I grinned, tossing Bree on the bed and wasting no time kissing her, slowly sliding my hand up one of her rotting thighs. It was time to take advantage of being married.

_**

* * *

**_

_**A/N: I totally thought about another lemon…but I just don't have it in me right now – I went book shopping yesterday so I am so preoccupied. Good news, though. I had a very important 411K meeting a while back, and I outlined the rest of this story. So yes – IT HAS AN ENDING! I hope to write a lot more in the near future and finish this up, so please don't kill me.**_

_**Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. Next chapter: Team HVW (humans/vamps/wolves)**_

_**PS - Also, a thousand thanks – LoreliD made me an awesome banner! Link is on my profile!**_


	8. What's on your Neighbor's BBQ?

_**A/N: OH HAI THAR.**_

_**I am tickled pink (and black and blue) to be the FicBridge #readalong for 1 October 2010 - thank you a thousand, million times to ameliegee for hosting, and for just generally being the Bella to my Edward. When I'm a moody fuck she smacks me until I feel better. I love you, sweets! I'll be your HAB forever!**_

**_To those reading for the #readalong, this chapter is a gift to her, and to you, for participating. Thank you so much for giving my brand of heroin - I MEAN CRACK - a chance!_**

**_This would be in fucking terrible shape if not for latesstrice, who worked beta magic on the fly. To answer your question - I have no idea if that's why fish make that face. It just seemed to fit, in my tiny, underused brain._**

**_Last but not least, shout out to raemarie_xoxo for leaving amazing reviews and being so very encouraging. I love you!_**

* * *

Ch 8 – What's on your Neighbor's BBQ?

**Emmett POV**

_"Like a fish out of troubled water I will flop, not drown…"_

Simon and Garfunke. A faint voice, warbling in a shaky tenor, with… some changes to the lyrics. I'm pretty sure I was losing my mind. Suddenly the song changed, like listening to a jukebox.

_"Take me to the riverrrrrrr! Take me to the riverrrr….and put me down…"_

The voice was soft, but definitely there. It was 4 AM and the wolves and humans were all asleep, or in Bella and Edward's case, arguing over who was broodier. Maybe vampirism was catching, because Bella hadn't slept a full night in the three months we'd been in the Zombie Hotel.

I couldn't smell anything, and Rosie and Alice were off busy being girls somewhere, so I cautiously edged toward Carlisle's study. The door was standing open and the voice was coming from inside.

"Uh, Carlisle?" I called; listening to the voice break off mid-song and give way to nothing but frantic splashing. I was pretty sure Carlisle was downstairs with Esme keeping an eye, or more accurately, an ear, out for any problems. Things were pretty quiet, but the last thing we wanted to do was drop our guard and have something happen. These people trusted us. We couldn't fuck it up.

I walked into Carlisle's office, but no one was there. I looked around before flipping on the lights just for the hell of it. Still nothing. No scent, no sound… just the churning water of Fred's fish bowl – he was splashing around for no apparent reason, and I bent down to check him out.

"What's up, little dude? Why are you being all spazzy?"

He just looked at me and made the fish mouth. We weren't sure why he did that, when he didn't need oxygen from the water to breathe like a normal fish, but maybe it was habit, like vampires did to blend in. I stood in front of his bowl and made fishy faces before I started laughing.

"Fish heads, fish heads – roly poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!" I started clapping like a first grader, remembering all the times I'd used that song to annoy Edward, who both hated fish heads on principle, being a vampire, and hated the song because it "was a musical travesty." Alright, so the Chipmunks' version was fucking annoying, but Dr. Demento was awesome!

"That's quite annoying, you know."

If vamps could shit their pants, I totally would have. I whirled around like an idiot, trying to figure out where the voice, which had a British accent, was coming from.

"Down here, you prat!"

I stood very still and looked at my feet.

"Oh, you're not the sharpest shrimp on the barbie, are you? Look on the desk!"

I slowly raised my eyes until they fell on the fish bowl and the putrid, half-decomposed pirate fish inside of it. "Fred?"

I swear to Cheeba the fish rolled his eyes at me. "Oh, is that what you're calling me these days? I generally go by Captain Swarbles, but Fred...actually, I like it. What's your name, mate?"

"I'm Emmett," I responded, before I could ask myself why the fuck I was talking to a fish. A _zombie_ fish. A zombie fish sitting in a bowl in my vampire father's office.

...what the fuck?

"Nice to meet you, 'Met," he drawled, swimming in lazy circles around his bowl. "Regardless, I don't think it's exactly bang on for you to be singing about eating me and my mates' heads. Doesn't that seem a bit... off... to you?"

"Uh, sorry Fred. I didn't know you could, uh, you know - _hear_ me. Much less talk back. Wait. What am I saying? You're a fish. Fish don't talk!"

"Ah, but Forsaken fish talk, 'Met." He started making the funny fish face again, with little bubbles steaming from his mouth as he jerked around like those singing bass that hang on the walls in scary human houses. Apparently Charlie had one and Edward found it hilarious, though Bella cringed every time he brought it up.

"They do?" I knew my eyes were wide as saucers, but I couldn't help it. "Why didn't you say anything? Hey - does that mean you were watching the other day when me and Rosie got it on in here?"

Trilling, tinkly laughter. That fucking _perv._

"_Not_ cool, zombie Fred! Rosie will sauté you if she finds out!"

"Ah, but we won't tell her, will we 'Met? After all, I don't talk to Carlisle, either... and let me tell you, he and that wife of his are into some _kinky_ shit. What is it with your family and playing doctors and nurses? That a genetic thing?"

"Nah, you probably know we're not really related." I shrugged, grabbing the little basketball from Carlisle's desk and listlessly throwing it through the hoop that hung on the back of the door. "So like... why won't you tell anyone? You know I have to tell Carlisle, right? I mean, a talking fish is pretty major, little dude."

"I'm not your dude, buddy!"

"I'm not your buddy, guy!"

We both started laughing, though my laughter was much louder because I wasn't underwater. "How the fuck does a fish like you know anything about South Park?"

Fred gave me a baleful glance. "Oh, you hear a lot of things traveling up and down the coast. Those blokes from the reservation can't stop talking about it. I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but once I was caught and they were talking about it. Luckily they threw me back, but seriously - a hook in the mouth? Do you have _any_ idea how much that smarts?"

"Actually, I kinda do - I got mauled by a bear. He really gave me some new dimples on _both_ sets of cheeks, if you know what I mean." I raised my hand for a high five out of habit, before stupidily realizing that Fred was a fish, and he didn't have hands. Right. Rose calls those my "_Rainman_" moments, because I'm actually kind of smart. Or something. I don't know, she usually says that when she has her clothes off, so I don't really listen.

Don't judge me. You'd be distracted too!

Anyway, Fred was looking at me with a kind of lopsided sneer - I'm pretty sure he was arching his eyebrow, but being a fish, he has no hair... so he really just looked like an even more stupid-looking version of Edward. I didn't even know that was _possible_. "Right, 'Met. You need...therapy. Regardless, I didn't originally think to make a friend, but I'm a tad lonely and no one will believe you if you tell them. Even that mindreader will think you're just messing him about. Frankly, it's nobody's business that I can talk. I don't see why they'd want to know!" Fred huffed, the water around him churning a bit and making his eye-patch algae flutter.

"But why don't you tell people? You could be like that dancing frog on the WB…er…CW…uh…www? Whatever. Everyone loves him! You could be a _spokesfish_!" I gestured enthusiastically and nearly smacked myself in the face. Sometimes vampire speed is a disadvantage, okay?

"That's _exactly_ why I don't tell people, dear boy. Do you think I want to be gawked at more than I already am? I mean honestly, I was a pirate fish. Now I'm a _zombie_ pirate fish. Use your head, man!"

"Oh. Well, I mean… I don't know that it's any weirder than being a zombie."

"I know that, but I'm trying to keep a low profile, okay? Now be a dear and fetch me some guppy brains, alright?"

"Oh…kay. You got it, Fred."

It was another in the series of very long days.

* * *

"Hey Edward, throw the Frisbee to Jake – I want to see how high he can jump!" I called, and Edward, surprisingly, obliged. Jake leaped at least thirty feet in the air, caught the rubber disc, then spit it at my feet, giving me the wolf version of "the look." Edward laughed at me, which confirmed my suspicion that Jacob had some pretty colorful thoughts flowing through his mind. Damn. Let's just say that while I had no doubts we could kick the wolves asses, I was glad they were on our side – they were strong and pretty fierce. Edward just nodded as we continued to zip around the perimeter of what once was the reservation.

"I wonder why we haven't seen more of the zombies lately. It's like they got bored and wandered off. Jake…" Edward dropped his voice, sounding a little sad. "Jake wonders why he hasn't seen Billy, since he knows for sure that he was turned."

I could feel for the guy. Carlisle was, thankfully, fine after his epic zombie bite. A little oozy, still, but nothing we couldn't handle. I'd long since mourned my human family, and I was glad I wouldn't have to worry about my current family. I knew how Jacob felt, losing his father like that – Jasper sent us a wave or two of his grief, because Rosalie and I were making inappropriate jokes. Once that hit us, we shut the fuck up. God the talented members of my family are annoying.

Paul came up to me and pretended to beg, which made me laugh. Then he chased his tail in a circle, aimed his butt at me and farted! "Oh my _God_, Paul, that's disgusting!" Rosalie yelled, covering her mouth and looking like she wanted to puke. "God, fucking dog farts are the _worst! _Jesus, I'm telling Bella to never make steak for you guys again. That is rank!" Paul gave what can only be described as a wolfy chuckle, then kicked dirt up on Rosalie like he was burying a bone, and ran off.

I gave my wife a look and rolled my eyes, but tried to pretend like I wasn't holding my breath as I grabbed her arm to keep her from going after him. The last thing we needed was an actual fight. We had come to La Push looking for zombies to test the wolves' defenses, but the place was eerily silent, so we took advantage of the chance to finally visit First and Second Beach. Now that we were on the same side and the pack knew we weren't going to eat anyone, they were finally accepting us. It didn't hurt that the Elders were the ones who hated us the most and they were all walking corpses.

"Fucking assholes," Rosie muttered, but she looked less murderous. I could only assume that meant the air was safe to breathe again. "They've been such dicks since they won that stupid karaoke contest. I swear I'd kill Alice if it didn't seem to make the humans so much happier."

I pulled her close to me and wrapped her in my arms, nuzzling her neck. "Come on, babe, you have to admit – they deserved to win. Leah in booty shorts? Hell, yes!"

Oops. I barely managed to dodge before Rosalie's fist could slam into my nuts.

"Come on, babe, you know I'm just kidding!" I totally wasn't. "You're the only girl for me, Rosie!" Well, that much was true at least. Leah may have looked good in booty shorts, but she was even bitchier than Rosalie. Granted, Sam fucked her head up, so I could kind of understand it, but being pregnant had increased her mood swings. Plus… well, Rosalie already hated Leah, and she'd never admit it, but now she was _jealous_ of the girl. Things were tense in the Chateux Zombie Free.

"Whatever. We should head back and help Esme cook. Bella was going on and on about using those tomatoes from the garden tonight. I swear, it's a wonder anything grows here with all this damn rain." Rosalie took off toward the hotel and I waved over to Edward to let him know we were leaving. He nodded and waved back, looking pretty relaxed. I was surprised, since Bella was back with Esme, but I think Edward was having fun running around. They'd started playing some form of full-contact football that would have killed a human, but it was pretty entertaining to watch. I wish we could stay, but there's no way Rosalie would leave me in Leah's presence, even in wolf form. Then again, maybe I could get her to wear a cheerleading uniform…

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, you stop thinking whatever you're thinking _right now_. I am not in the mood for your fuckery."

"Aww come on, babe! You'd look _hot_ in a little skirt with bloomers and—" I snapped my mouth shut when Rosalie glared at me, deciding it was time to run in silence. I'd store that particular idea away for a rainy day. She'd give in, eventually. I wondered where I'd find the uniform, though.

We hopped up the staircase and headed toward the kitchens.

"My _problem_ is you hanging all over my boyfriend, you skank!" Bella yelled, and Rose and I turned to look at each other. Bella never yelled. Even when she was really pissed off she got this stormy look on her face and stomped out of the room. This couldn't be good.

We zipped into the dining room prepared to kick some ass, but Bella had it under control – she was beating the snot out of Jessica Stanley. Rosie and I held our breath to block out the scent of the blood and separated the girls in a flash.

"What the fuck, Bella? Are you insane?" Rosalie hissed, pulling Bella away slightly more roughly than she had to. "You just spilled blood in a hotel that will soon be full of _vampires_. Are you trying to get someone killed?"

Bella instantly went limp in Rosie's arms, as I held a sobbing Jessica Stanley and tried to hold her still so I could assess the damage. "Chill, Rose, we've got a while before the others come back, and I don't think anything's broken." I softly wiped the blood from Jessica's face and reminded myself not to breathe. Even if she smelled like oysters there was no way I could ingest blood from such a screechy, annoying human. Ugh, I'd feel guilty and probably make myself sick. I calmly took a few napkins from the side table and started wiping gently at Jessica's bloody nose.

"What happened, Bella?" I asked placidly, chancing a small breath to refill my oxygen. Bella immediately stiffened and spit out a response.

"That bitch has been…entertaining…the humans by writing saucy stories about Edward!"

Rosalie and I both froze before cracking up.

"Seriously? Jessica, you were writing erotica about Edward? That boy's more frigid than a popsicle! Why would you write about _him_?" Rosalie asked between her choking laughter, doubling over and completely ignoring Bella. "I mean, seriously – you'd be better off fantasizing about Carlisle. He won't even give Bella any discodick – what makes you think he'd be a good subject for porn?" Bella glared at Rose for a minute before letting a small giggle escape her.

"I don't know!" Jessica wailed. "He's just pretty and the girls wanted a story, and I didn't _mean_ to but it got all smutty and lemony! I didn't mean to!"

"Ugh, porn without plot," Rosalie muttered, now flipping through a notebook that had been on the floor. "Seriously, girls, Edward is _not_ worth you getting your face beat in. Face it – Bella is Edward's mate. He belongs to her. And you're fucking lucky you didn't break her skin, Jessica, or Edward would flip is fucking redheaded shit. Now go do whatever chore you're supposed to be doing and let Bella get back to dinner and fantasizing about the sparkle schlong, okay?" Rose patted Jessica on the head a little harder than she intended, because Jess hit the floor. I helped her back up and escorted her to the door for her own safety before turning around to find Bella staring at my wife.

"It…sparkles? His…thingie…sparkles?"

Rose just sighed.

* * *

"So, not only do we not know whether the wolves' teeth are a defense against the zombies, but now we know that the zombies are nowhere to be found. We only went a couple of miles each way, but we didn't find _anything_. It was actually even more creepy than when they were wandering around. No animals, no zombies – just…nothing," Edward concluded, filling Esme and Carlisle in on what we'd found, or rather _not_ found, on our trip to La Push.

"Interesting. I wish we still had the Fig in our custody – it'd be nice to know if these creatures are capable of starving to death. I mean, re-death. If we've hidden away the rest of the humans, maybe we can survive this and repopulate. We still need to figure out a way to contact Europe and the other continents to see if the virus has spread that far. I don't like this isolation. Besides, if they can starve, that would give us a chance to repopulate the planet. I guess Paul and Leah are sort of setting a good example by deciding to go ahead and have the baby."

Edward started to nod. "You should give her a checkup after dinner. Besides, Bella said she's making it kind of a celebration since Rachel's finally well enough to eat with everyone."

"Excellent," Carlisle said, nodding to the rest of us. "We should go see if she needs any help. I really appreciate the work she's been doing to keep the humans fed." Carlisle smiled around the family before taking Esme's arm and leading her toward the door. I could tell he was disappointed by our lack of new information, but he'd never let that stop him. I knew he'd figure this out. Just the idea of repopulating society was enough to keep the other vamps from snacking on anyone in the compound.

"Jasper and I are going to look for more survivors in South America soon," I informed everyone as we walked at human speed down the hallway. Vampire speed tended to make the humans motion sick, so we mostly kept that for our voyages beyond the fence. "I think we're going to make the perimeter bigger, too, so the wolves have more room to run around. They're not entirely happy about being trapped in here, so I figured we'd double check the area then give them more room. I think we can actually take it out closer to the forest, so long as we make sure nothing can jump in from the trees."

"Good idea, Emmett," Jasper said, and Rosalie squeezed my hand. I had to admit I was adjusting pretty well to this whole military maneuver thing. "As long as there's not a way for the enemy to come over the fence, we can make it as big or as small as the wolves want to maintain. We're going to have to send the other group seeking first generation Forsaken soon, if we want keep Carlisle busy working on the cure."

We were descending the girls when more screaming rang out from the common area. Rosie and I looked at each other, wondering if Bella and Jessica were at it again, but as we zipped toward the dining room, we saw Leah screaming. Oh, great – another tantrum.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Leah's face was red and blotchy, tears streaming down her face. Edward looked stricken and suddenly I knew it wasn't just another hissy fit.

"You _imprinted?_ But we're _pregnant_, Paul! I am having your _baby!_" Leah screamed through sobs and suddenly my heart constricted. No fucking way. First Sam, now Paul? And how the fuck –

"I'm sorry, Leah!" Paul said, pleading for understanding. "I hadn't seen Rachel since this whole mess started. We were doing shit in shifts before and she mostly stuck to the infirmary with Carlisle. I am so sorry, Sherbert! I don't know what to do!" Paul started crying then, and if there's anything sad in life, it's a fucking crying werewolf. I kind of felt for the dude.

"This can't be happening to me!" Leah moaned. "I can't do this again!"

Bella, of all people, approached Leah and wrapped her arms around the sobbing girl. She smoothed her hair and started whispering things into Leah's ear, and I was scared for a second that Leah would lash out. I looked at Edward, who shook his head sadly, but I could tell Leah wasn't a risk. She brought her arms up around Bella and sobbed on her shoulder, the only sound in the nearly-full room. You could have heard a pin drop.

After a few minutes Leah broke away and wiped her face, smiling weakly at Bella. Then she walked over to Rosalie, grabbed her arms and kissed her.

Yeah, still silent, but this time because everyone was gaping at the beautiful werewolf kissing my wife. Rosalie finally stiffened and pushed Leah away, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she'd enjoyed it.

"God, I've wanted to do that forever," Leah told the room at large, grinning.

"Stupid boys. I knew I should have been a lesbian a long time ago!"

My cock was rock hard – looks like I'd be looking for _two_ cheerleading uniforms.

* * *

**_A/N: soooo don't kill me. Those of you who know me know I LOVE Leah, so she has her own HEA coming, rest assured. Everyone else? Well they may have one, may not - I'm not telling! Just know I will take care of my LeahSherbert until the very end! _**

**_Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think! I love flames, for what it's worth._**

**_More zombie nonsense on twitter: izzzyysprinkles  
_**


	9. Out Come the Batz

_**A/N: First, the thank yous:**_

_**Thank you to killianmcrae for the excellent beta job – her comments always have me laughing and help me make this story funny. **_

_**Thank you to raemarie_xoxo for the prereading – she helps me clarify some logical points and keeps the story on track, crackfic or not.**_

_**Thank you to ameliegee. I wouldn't even bother without you.**_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Out Come the Batz**

Rosalie POV:

My husband is a perfect idiot. If he thought that dog was coming into our bedroom, he had to be insane. Granted, Leah Clearwater was not hard to look at. She was kind of my polar opposite – shorter, a bit curvier, with dark hair, eyes and skin – and that revs my engine a bit. It was just that _smell._ I really didn't think I can work up to an orgasm with that stink in my boudoir. Seriously. The girl smelled worse than the rotting human food that started this whole mess.

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch. It's not like I'm jealous or anything. Who cares that she can get pregnant, even though we all thought her organs were frozen in Wolfland? I mean, I have totally gotten over that baby thing. Esme, on the other hand...

Well, Esme was turning into the Stepford wife from hell. One of the wolves tracked mud in on bare feet and she flew into such a rage that I thought we were going to have to pry them apart with one of her stainless steel spatulas. Personally, I thought it improved the smell, but when I mentioned that, she glared at me and I flinched – I may be a badass, but you don't fuck with the mother hen, and Esme thought of all the people here as her chicks. I'm not kidding. She's had some kind of mental episode. She left the compound to go to a jewelry store in Port Angeles because Alice envisioned the back room full of pearls. Then she hit the JCPenney in Sequim and liberated a few dozen sweater sets.

If my vampire mother ends up being a robot, I'm going to flip my shit.

* * *

Emmett has been acting weird lately. He kept stealing off to Carlisle's study, and then one night showed up with that weird fish's bowl and refused to let it out of his sight. Then, as we started getting ready to leave for another survivor search, he took the fish to Bella and made her swear that she'd continue feeding it the brain pellets he'd been making from the deer we were starting to breed within the gates. The vampires were sick of nearly starving to death, and Carlisle had tested the deer before we started raising them in the fence. The non-vegetarian vamps weren't happy, but it was better than nothing. Carlisle was worried if we went too long without feeding, the vamps would have a slip up and feast on the humans. And, as Bella apparently made a mean venison stew, the humans were both reassured and full.

Alice and I were going with the boys this time, thank God. No one would survive another two weeks of me without my husband. I had to admit, I was so bitchy I was almost embarrassed. Almost. Leah looked disappointed when we announced that we were leaving that night, but everyone else sighed with relief and seemed to remember my hissy fits from last time.

Alice threw some clothes in a bag and we set off for Mexico and South America. It was possible there were more humans around the United States and Canada, but they obviously didn't want to be found. We'd had a few stumble our way with the help of our emergency broadcast system alerts, but Alice had seen more in the south.

We drove the modified Hummers again, racing the other two couples south of the border.

"Hey, we should stop and get some tacos!" Emmett enthused as we drove along.

"Don't be stupid, Emmett," I growled as I smacked the back of his head. "Where are we supposed to get tacos? We don't _eat, _and I seriously doubt we're going to find any taco stands still in operation. We're here to find survivors, dumbass!" I scowled and crossed my arms in a huff. Sometimes I wondered how I put up with such stupidity.

"Geez, Rosie, no need to go postal on me, babe. I was kidding. Well, mostly. I know we've got a mission. I'm just saying, there's no reason we can't sight see at the same time!" he crowed and smiled at me, showing the dimples I just couldn't resist. "All I want is one taco stand and maybe a stop by the world's largest ball of twine." His grin grew wider before his eyebrows knitted a bit. "Wait, do they _have_ twine in Mexico? Or just those piñata things?"

I sighed and didn't bother to respond. After three days of driving and Emmett badgering me to play the alphabet game, I was at my wits end and about to strangle my beloved. Turning to stare out the window instead, I saw wisps of white crossing the faint blue sky.

"Wait – Em! What is that?"

I was a bit horrified by the comically high-pitched tone of my voice, but I hadn't spoken in days and couldn't contain my excitement.

"Do you see that? There's smoke over there!"

I motioned frantically off to the side of the road just as Jasper honked his horn, signaling us to pull over. Alice bopped out of the car as soon as it stopped and clapped happily.

"It's survivors! As soon as you decided to stop I saw them, Rosalie!" She started to dash toward the abandoned-looking building, but Jasper caught her arm as Kate and Garrett pulled in behind us.

"Alice, darl, I know you can see, but it'd make me feel better if we approached this a little cautiously. They could be surrounded by Forsaken, and we'll have to fight our way to them. You know you can't see the whole scene," Jasper drawled, holding her small shoulders in his hands before dropping a kiss on the crown of her head.

Alice looked a bit chagrined, but smiled, nodding as the six of us started approaching the building, cautiously sniffing the air. It smelled clean, but you never really could tell. As we continued forward, we ran into a tall fence not unlike our own back in Forks.

"Huh. Pretty enterprising. I wonder if they have vamps here, too," Jasper pondered, looking around. "I don't smell anything, but then again I haven't smelled much of anything since we got into Brazil. It's like someone's bleached everything – no human smells, no animal smells... something very strange is going on here."

"I'd swear living in the Guesthouse de Wolftrap had warped my sense of smell, but Mexico smelled like shit. Literally. You're right, Jas – it seems just this area has been disguised somehow..." Emmett's voice trailed off as he chewed on his lower lip.

"Well, we can't figure anything out just standing here," Kate said matter-of-factly. "I think Jas is right – we should be careful – but zombies wouldn't be making that smoke. Either there are people in there, or there were people in there recently. We need to get in there and see who set the fire."

I nodded, knowing she was right. I took a deep breath and bounded over the fence in one leap, though barely. I think all that sitting in the car and munching on deer had made me out of shape. I decided I was running back home once we finished.

"Uh, Rose? Earth to Rosalie..." Garret said, waving his hands spastically in front of my face. "You still with us, Blondie?"

I scowled at him and he instinctively took a step back, while Kate put a hand over her mouth to cover her laughter. We fell into our normal flanking maneuver – Emmett in the front, then the rest of us framing him in a "V" shape with Jasper and Garrett at the back edges. Jasper had insisted we use the formation when we started looking for survivors months ago, and it seemed especially important now that we didn't have the advantage of our extra sensitive noses.

Jasper walked with his back to the rest of us, holding an icepick at the ready. He'd decided it was time to experiment with weapons in case we needed to teach the humans hand-to-hand combat, and Jasper was enjoying himself a bit too much, in my opinion. Still, I had to admit he knew what he was doing – he'd decided that flamethrowers were worthless for a number of reasons. First they were heavy and bulky. Second, they required fuel. And third, all they did was light zombies on fire. They didn't _kill_ them, though it was pretty entertaining watching Emmett run screaming like a girl from the zombie version of the human torch.

It only took us a couple of minutes to cover the territory, even moving slowly.

"Hello?" Garrett called, slowly pushing open the outer door of what looked to be a warehouse of some kind. "Is anybody in there? We're here to help – we're not Forsaken..." His voice trailed off as the door swung open fully and the interior was exposed.

A sea of dark eyes were staring back at us, but no one spoke a word. I'd swear they were all mannequins but I could hear their hearts beating.

"Asema," one white-haired woman whispered, pointing a shaky hand at Garrett, who was now in the front of our bunch.

"No," Garret responded in the slow tones you'd use to calm a toddler. "Garr-rett. Me _Garrett._" Kate shot him a disgusted look and smacked the back of his head.

"Shut up, dummy – they're not stupid!" she hissed, nodding to the woman, who was still looking horrified. "Me llamo Kate. ¿Quiénes son ustedes?" she asked in Spanish, nodding to the woman who still looked terrified.

"We speak English," she finally said, looking a bit affronted. "Well, we in Suriname speak many languages," she said in a heavily accented voice.

"But isn't this Brazil?" Jasper asked, his voice soft and cautious. He had been banking on his knowledge from the Southern Wars to help us navigate the geography, but he had to admit he hadn't been this far south – Maria had mostly kept him by her side in northern Mexico.

"No, Brazil to the south," the woman snapped, looking grumpy. "They no speak Spanish anyway – they speak Portuguese!" she huffed, and I had a fleeting human memory of the woman I called my grandmother. If this lady started pulling on my ears or pinching my cheeks, we were going to have a fucking problem.

"You are Asema?" she asked, still looking put off. At the word the crowd of people behind her cringed at the word, and she held out a hand to quiet them. Apparently our confusion showed, because she started wringing her hands and muttering to herself. Finally she spoke up again. "Bloed?" she tried again. "You drink...bloed?"

"Blood!" I said, louder than I intended. Everyone, both human and vampire alike, cringed back. "Sorry," I muttered, correcting my volume. "Yes, blood. We drink blood," I answered, quickly adding, "but we don't drink from humans!" I was trying hard to show that we weren't out to feed from any of them. Some looked dubious, but some looked relieved.

"Vampiros!" another woman whispered from the back of the room, her dark eyes wild as she continued jabbering on to another group in Portuguese. She looked familiar, but I couldn't place how I knew her.

"My name is Rosalie," I said, moving slowly toward the front of the group. "My family and I are from America, near Canada." I searched her face to make sure she understood.

"Amerika!" she cried, bringing smiles and slight gasps from the crowd around her. "Zij zijn amerikaans!" Apparently our nationality assuaged them, as they began to edge a little closer, smiling, but still wary. I couldn't blame them – the only human I've ever met that wasn't instinctively afraid of our kind was Bella, and, well...that girl kind of had a death wish.

"I name is Kaatje. Why are you here?" she asked, looking a little calmer, but still ready to pounce if any of us made any sudden moves. I'm not sure she thought she could take us on, but I had to admire her spunk. Something told me this wily old bat could give me a run for my money.

"We are looking for human survivors," Emmett answered in a clear voice. "We protect them in America, from the zombies," he continued, pausing as Kaatje's face contorted with confusion.

"Zombie?" she asked, stuttering a bit over the unfamiliar word.

"The Living Dead," Alice supplied, holding her arms in front of her and groaning. The crowd gasped and Jasper sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he absorbed the panic of a roomful of people.

"Het opstandelsen..." Kaajte whispered, her fingers tangling in her long white hair. "That's what they are? We were not sure. The dead began to rise and we stay here with food, but it is gone now."

She looked like she was about to cry, and without thinking, Alice zipped over to comfort her. I have to admit the old biddy took a vampire dashing toward her and then hugging her with a lot more aplomb than I would have – she just squeaked and started swatting at Alice like she was a troublesome fly.

"Sorry!" Alice squealed and we all winced again. What was it with us and not controlling our voices today? "Sorry," she repeated in a softer voice. "It's just habit when someone is hurting. I am so sorry you've had to go through this. We've been driving a very long time, and we collected food on our way down here. We'll bring it to you and then discuss how we're going to get you out of here, okay?"

Kaatje just nodded in agreement, turning her back on Alice to gather the humans around her. They began to jabber in their foreign language as the rest of us headed to pull the cars closer.

"Dutch, I think," Emmett whispered to me. "I never learned it, but it sounds vaguely familiar. Remember when we went to Amsterdam and made Jasper project on us to make us high? It's got the same accents and syllables they used there." We hopped into our Hummer and pulled right next to the fence. My hubby was so smart sometimes!

"We're going to have to pull down a section of the fence," Jasper noted, and Emmett yelped with glee as he sped by the others and crashed through the fence.

"Not _quite_ what I had in mind, but you never were one for subtly, Em," Jasper noted, sighing as he climbed into another one of the vehicles and followed. The humans were peeking out of the doorway, curious about the noise, but they ignored the collapsed fence when they saw me and Emmett with arms full of bread and jugs of water. Then others followed with various food staples and we started handing them out to the humans. I kind of felt like Santa Claus, and my cold, black heart twitched, seeing all those kids excited over something simple like a slice of bread.

We regrouped after handing out the food so we could make a plan as they enjoyed their meal. "That woman looks familiar," Jasper said, echoing my thoughts from before. Alice looked over her shoulder at the woman and then hissed at him.

"Of course she does, stupid – she's been cleaning the house on Isle Esme almost as long as we've had it!" she said, looking over her shoulder again.

"How the hell do you know that?" I asked, startled.

"Because she made a very strong decision not to trust us the moment she saw who we were, and I saw her explaining it to the others with her," came Alice's tart reply. "It doesn't matter, though. What are we going to do about all the people here?"

There were almost fifty in the group, and we had no idea how we'd get them back to the compound, assuming they even wanted to come. I couldn't see why they wouldn't, since they were out of food, but humans are strange sometimes, and I'd be scared of the six of us if I were them.

"We could always tie them to the roof of the trucks," Emmett suggested, wincing when I smacked him. "I was just kidding, Rose, geez!"

"We're going to have to scout around for another vehicle," Jasper said, and Garrett nodded. "Rosalie, why don't you and I go out looking while the others explain the situation? Even if they decide not to come with us, they may need a mode of transportation at some point, so this isn't completely futile, and I'll need you in case we find something that needs help getting started. Sound good?"

I nodded as we broke apart, the others heading toward the humans who were chattering animatedly over their dinner.

Jasper waited until we were alone before dropping his voice. "I'm still concerned about the lack of smell, Rose. Something weird is going on here and I know they're not going to tell us. Fuck, I wish Edward was here."

_Smack._

"_Ow, _Rosalie, Jesus, don't hit me. You have to admit he'd be helpful right about now. Something freaky is going on here, and I want to know what it is."

"I don't know what to tell you, Jas," I said. We started running at full speed and I sighed with pleasure. I knew we were on a mission, but I'd been dying for a chance to stretch my legs and feel the wind in my hair. The desert kicked up dust as we ran, but we followed the road south. I let my thoughts wander and I knew Jasper was soaking up my peace of mind. Jasper and I had always run together. He appreciated I couldn't see his future, and I appreciated he couldn't read my thoughts like Edward or jabber like Emmett. Jasper kept his power to himself, I kept my mouth shut, and we just existed. I think it's the closest I've had to an actual sibling since my human life.

"Do you—" Jasper stopped short in front of me, and I was not paying enough attention to stop in time. I plowed right into the back of him, and we both tumbled to the dusty, grit-covered ground.

"God dammit, Jasper," I bitched as I stood up and started dusting the dirt off my clothes. My hair was hopeless – it would not be clean until I could find time to take a shower, so I grabbed a weed from the ground and tied it up in to a sloppy ponytail.

"Slick," Jasper muttered, brushing himself off.

"You _know_ I hate it when you do that," I shot back, straightening my dirty, but still designer-I- _am-_a-Cullen blue jeans.

"Get your head out of your ass then, princess," he retorted, crouching in attack stance like he was going to pounce on me.

"You _like_ it when I day dream, doofus," I grumbled. "It makes you more at ease, remember?"

"Are you sure you two were not genetically related?" Alice's voice floated over to us, startling both of us.

"What the hell, Alice?" Jasper hissed, coming down from the telephone poll he had instinctually climbed.

"Sorry," she said, a huge grin on her face. Jasper's scowl confirmed what I already knew – she was feeling no remorse, and was actually probably reveling at catching us off guard.

"Yeah, yeah," Jasper muttered, looking sullen but approaching his wife and placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"Anyway, I saw that you are going to need me – you and Rosie have to push while I drive." I sighed. Alice's sense of self-importance irritated me at times, but there was no point in arguing, because she was always right.

"And Rose will eventually forgive me for interrupting your sibling time because I am going to be quiet now," she piped up, then promptly clapped a hand over her mouth and ran ahead of us.

"How do you deal with it?" I muttered to Jasper, who just grinned. Alice turned around to glare, but kept her promise and faced forward again without a word. I was impressed – short of supernatural duct tape, I didn't think anything could shut Alice up. She must have seen me doing something REALLY bad to her…

"Oh, for God's sake, Rosalie," Jasper snapped as I ran into him again. "What has you being such a space cadet today?"

Alice giggled.

"Did you see something, Alice? She's been weird all day," Jasper added, and I grumbled at both of them. He ran a hand through his hair, looking annoyed and Edward-like. "And why didn't I _smell_ you when you were running up here?" he asked, his face becoming concerned.

"This is pissing me off."

"Ooooh, Jasper's pissed off and broody – imagine that!" I quipped, grunting when a rock made contact with my head. "Stop it, Alice!"

"Can we get on with this?" Alice snapped. "I want to get back in time to see Emmett sing happy birthday to this little girl – he is going to do a dance and everything, Rose."

All three of us stopped arguing and started running again – Emmett's birthday dance was not to be missed, as Jessica Stanley had learned back in the Forks High cafeteria her sophomore year. I thought she'd never stop blushing, which is generally a bad idea when a bunch of vampires are around. Blood to the surface of the skin generally is a bad thing, especially when Jasper's hungry and the only alternative is school food spaghetti and mystery-meatballs.

Less than two minutes later we zipped up to a large, black bus sitting in a ditch on the side of the road.

"No fucking way," Jasper said, his voice indignant.

"Jazz, it's the only vehicle big enough that's going to run, and if we split up into smaller cars there's more chance for an accident_,_" Alice whined, and he and I both grimaced. Alice whining was akin to listening to a dog from space – it got so high pitched I'm surprised the humans' ear drums didn't burst.

"Seriously?" Jasper asked, and I swear his voice was almost as whiny as Alice's. I approached the bus and popped the hood – there was no major damage except a corroded battery, and that was easily fixed, because Alice had brought a spare one with her in her backpack. I swapped out the battery, happy that Alice's vision had saved us a bit of time and we didn't have to run back for supplies, and Jasper climbed into the driver's seat and turned the key once, twice… and then the engine caught, purring lowly. Jasper grimaced but gestured us on board.

We rode back to the camp in silence, trying to pretend we weren't sitting in a black bus with big white letters:

_NEVER SAY NEVER!_

_Justin Bieber, World Tour_

I sighed.

_**

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_**A/N: Hi guys! National Novel Writing Month is over, and I have finally gotten into a writing groove, so I am hoping to update much more frequently. My goal is to have this story completed by the start of next year, and post a chapter a week until it's finished.**_

_**Thank you for sticking on this wild ride with me! If you want more zombie and general nonsense, you can follow me on twitter izzzyysprinkles. **_


	10. Last Night I Saved an Angel

_**A/N: Thanks to the usual suspects, killianmcrae for being an amazing beta, raemarie_xoxo and ameliegee for prereading, and you for reading! **_

_**PS – Ameliegee is the best littlefic sister I could ever have hoped for.**_

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**Chapter 10 – Last Night I Saved an Angel**

_**Rosalie POV:**_

"Emmett, stand up straight. You look like an ass."

No answer. He just stayed curled up in a ball on the ground.

"Dammit, Emmett, stop being an ass!"

Nothing but the sound of hysterical laughter.

Just so you know, you can laugh a _lot_ when you don't need oxygen, and Emmett had not stopped since we'd rolled up in our tricked-out tour bus.

"Don't act like you don't listen to 'Your Smile' every night before you go to bed!" I finally snapped.

That shut him up.

Jasper glared at me as he was flooded with second hand embarrassment.

Yeah, I so would not be getting any sex tonight.

I know, I know – I'm a bitch.

"Not cool, Rosalie," Jasper muttered as Emmett pulled another tree out by its roots and sent it flying into the horizon.

"Look, how was I supposed to know he'd take it so badly?" I snapped, tapping a foot against the dusty ground.

"How was he supposed to take it?" Alice asked. "You revealed one of his deep, dark secrets in front of a roomful of survivors!"

Jasper ignored us, still trying to send waves of calm and reassurance to Emmett.

"Baby, I am sorry," I called desperately. "I just did not want to admit that it was _me_ that loves the Biebernator!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

There was a pause in the tree flinging.

"Wow, she really _does_ love him…" Alice whispered, and I resisted the urge to groan, glad she said it where only the vamps could hear. I was desperate to calm my husband down.

"Yes, you heard me!" I cried, turning to the large crowd of humans. "_I_ love Justin Bieber. Emmett just puts up with it because he loves me. I have even asked her to wear a Bieberwig to bed, and he did, because he's the most loving husband ever." My voice was growing increasingly hysterical, but I did not care. I hated it when Emmett was mad at me. Edward, yes – Emmet, no.

"Yeah!" Emmett bellowed, flexing again for the crowd. "I hate that sissy bastard but my Rosie loves him. She's always wanted a kid so he uh…"

_Oh, Lord, honey_, I thought to myself, _do not go there_.

"So she loves him because he sounds like the daughter she never had!" he finished proudly, turning to look at me, and I made a mighty effort to hold back a snort.

I must have reigned it in admirably, because the crowd behind Emmett looked suitably appeased, except for some of the younger ladies who looked like they might beat the shit out of me for a chance at the Bieb.

I crossed over and hugged my husband, whispering my apologies in his ear. If I had been human, I'd be blushing out of the sheer humiliation. Alice had a grin on her face that made me suspect the entire hotel would be hearing about this by tomorrow.

"Well, now that _that's_ settled," Jasper muttered, raising his voice to be heard by the humans.

"Well, that was Emmett, ladies and gentleman!" he said in a mocking voice. "Anyway, now that that disgusting display of…manhood…is over and done with, I think we should discuss our plans for the future."

Alice tugged on his sleeve and Jasper glanced at the sky. "Really?" he asked, and she nodded. Seriously – the way those two communicated without words really freaked me out. I mean sure, it would make sense with Edward, but it had nothing to do with their talents. Those two were just freaky-in-tune like that.

"Okay, Alice says it's going to rain, so I suggest we move this back inside," he added, and the group started shuffling toward the entrance. They were awfully docile, considering they knew we drank blood. I guess they figured if we were rounding them up for slaughter, we would have eaten them by now, and seriously – fifty people for the six of us to eat? Yeah, right. Alice, Kate and I would worry about getting fat, and Garrett suffered from indigestion. Then again, you know what it's like – you eat a South American for dinner, and you're hungry again in an hour.

Emmett might eat half of them himself, but he was too goofy to be intimidating. That left Jasper, but that fucker was totally cheating and keeping them all tranqued up and calm.

"Someone in here smells good," Kate muttered as we walked into the warehouse, and Garrett shot her a look. He was even more new to the vegetarian lifestyle than Jasper, but he seemed to have conquered it with no problem.

"Whatever, Mister 'I-Have-Self-Control-As-A-Power'," Kate muttered, and Garret jumped and let go of her hand as she released her own power through her palms.

"Not fair," he growled, and I swear the whole room would have witnessed an epic bout of angry vamp sex if it hadn't been for Jasper calling the "meeting" to order.

"Knock it off, you two," he called from the front of the group, and all eyes turned to him. "So, as you can see, we have acquired some transportation," Jasper added, and one of the younger girls, who looked to be about fourteen, couldn't contain her joyous squeal. The vampires cringed and covered their ears, except for Emmett, who turned around so no one could see him flail around like a girl. Once everyone was calm once more, Jasper began again.

"Right. So. It's here, if you need it. You are, of course, more than welcome to come back with us, but you don't _have_ to. I figure we can have a little Q&A session—" He was cut off by a nervous titter traveling through the crowd. After a moment, Kaajte stood up and held her hands out to quiet everyone before saying "vraag en beantwoord." Comprehension dawned on many faces and Jasper motioned her forward.

"Actually, Kaajte, would you mind translating as I go along? It might save us some time if we just plan on that ahead. Is that okay?" Jasper turned on the full charm, and the little old lady looked like she might faint.

Pfft. And people think _Edward _is swoon-worthy. No woman has a chance against Whitlock's allure.

"Yes, of course," Kaajte said in her accented English. "I not know much Portuguese, though," she added, looking nervous.

"It's okay – we can converse with them later. I think two languages is enough for now, and I know Alice speaks some." Jasper smiled and she relaxed a little, still looking nervous.

"My English is not perfect," she added, fretting what looked like a skein of wool between her fingers.

"It's wonderful," Jasper assured her, "and you are very helpful. As long as everyone can ask their questions, we are fine," he added, and she smiled, preening under his attention. Alice sighed slightly behind me and I tried not to smile, knowing I probably would have done exactly the same thing. However, jealousy or no, Jasper was getting the humans to trust him, which is exactly what we needed. At times like these, it was easy to see why he was so influential in the Army, even without the manifestation his talent.

"As you know, we are vampires – Asema – from America." Jasper's voice was loud and sure, and he spoke slowly and paused often to allow Kaatje to translate.

"We are offering you a new home, with food and many other humans in the northwestern United States. There are vampires there, protecting the humans, and _not_ feeding off human blood. They know that to do so will lead to their final death, and we are providing animals they can drink from." He paused, looking around the sea of concerned faces before continuing.

"We have not had a single accident, and I hope we never do. We take your safety very, very seriously. Many of us," he gestured around to the vampires present, "were not drinking human blood even _before_ the outbreak, because we have tremendous respect for human life."

That was met with quite a few shocked glances. I couldn't say I blamed them either – we all knew we had gone against every vampire convention by becoming "animalitarian," but even Garrett was a quick convert once he'd met Kate.

"It's true," Alice added. Many in the room swiveled to take in her tiny form, which didn't seem to match her booming voice. "In addition, I have the ability to see the future. While that won't help if a vampire makes a snap decision, it does help if someone is struggling with blood lust. I can intervene if needed. As Jasper said, we take the protection of humans very seriously."

"See the future?" one older man cried. "So you are a witch as well as Asema?" He looked horrified, and I wondered for a second if we were going to have forty-nine humans left, after he dropped dead from a heart attack.

I hissed in response, but Alice placed a cool hand on my arm.

"Sure, if that's what you'd like to call it," Alice answered, unfazed – she had probably foreseen his reaction. "I know this is all very strange, but really, is it any stranger than being a vampire or living amongst the walking dead? It's a strange world," she added, "especially now. Instead of viewing my talent as a burden, I try to use it to protect us all."

Jasper looked like he was about to burst with pride, and the old man looked mollified. I certainly wouldn't have handled it as well as she did, which is probably why she hadn't allowed me to speak.

"Do you have any questions for us?" Jasper asked after a moment of silence. I could practically hear the gears whirring inside everyone's head.

"What's in it for you?" a younger man, who looked to be in his early twenties, asked.

Kate stiffened, and I rolled my eyes – even with a mate, she was always going after her "type" from her succubus days – brawny, dark, curly hair… hey, kind of like Emmett! I glared at her and she looked confused but immediately backed down. I'd handle her later. Garrett just sighed and shook his head, completely used to, and unbothered by, her sexual conquests. Then again, I was almost positive he had a side thing going, but that wasn't my business.

"Nothing," Jasper stated simply, bringing my attention back to the conversation at hand. "Not a damn thing. But like I said – some of us have been 'protecting' humans, in a sense, for centuries. And the other vampires do protection as well, but they will tell you that they are simply looking to protect their food source until the world is repopulated."

Not surprisingly, that got a strong reaction, but we had all agreed that any questions would be answered in full, so the group here could make a strong, informed decision based on all of the facts. Jasper stayed quiet and let the conversation fall into smaller groups for a few moments before bringing everyone back together.

"Look, I know that is a lot to process, but how about we finish the questions and then you can all discuss things tonight, over dinner?" People grumbled, but everyone pretty much realized that was the best scenario for gathering information and started to settle down.

"What do we eat?" a little girl who was no more than five asked.

"We grow food, and animals, and of course we have food we get when we're out traveling," Jasper answered. "We even have candy sometimes," he added, and the little girl beamed with a gap-toothed smile.

The questions continued for almost four hours, well past dinner, including everything from the sleeping arrangements to whether or not there was a chapel on site.

"There's not," Jasper admitted, "but our leader, Carlisle, was very religious when he was a human, so I truly don't see setting something up as a problem." That seemed to make a few of the children grumpy, but most of the adults very happy. Looks like the time-honored tradition of dragging your kids to church would be continued in the "new world."

As the questions petered out, we started handing out rations for dinner. I had no idea how long these people had been here without food, but seeing them eat made me feel proud, somehow. Even though I couldn't stand the disgusting slop they were shoving down their pieholes, it felt good to see it happen, and the more they ate, the better their spirits were. It reminded me of karaoke and the night Bella made brownies. It really was amazing the difference hope made.

We headed out to the trucks to get some extra blankets and supplies. We had decided to make a run for more food and water while the humans slept, leaving Garrett and Kate to watch over the camp. As we handed out the bedding we addressed the group at large and asked if that was okay – the last thing we wanted was them thinking we had abandoned them in the dead of night.

Kaajte, in particular, was enthusiastic. "Can I ask," she started slowly, looking sheepish, "if you find a hospital, can you check for supplies? Asthma is our worse problem, but some of the old ones have pains in their hands and feet," she added.

"Of course," Alice assured her. "Are there any other things you need? This is the perfect time to search for them, while you rest. Even if you do not come with us tomorrow, we will leave everything we find to help you," she added, and the older woman's eyes glazed over a bit.

Fuck, if she started crying I was going to feel _really_ uncomfortable. Stupid humans and their leaking eyes!

The humans settled down, Kate and Garrett joining us at the trucks to see us off.

"No fucking around," Jasper told them in a low voice. "Even when they're asleep, stay on the doors. No making out or whatever." They both looked rebellious until he added "I'm still concerned at the lack of smell." Kate and Garrett looked at each other then they both nodded, knowing he was right.

"Until we know what is causing this anomaly, or if it even _is_ an anomaly, I want to make sure they are covered until we leave. If something happens, it sure as shit isn't going to be our fault."

The rest of us nodded in agreement and Garrett gave Kate a quick kiss before they zipped to opposite ends of the building. Each would cover an entrance and we would return as soon as we could.

"One of them should talk to the Brazilians," Jasper added as an afterthought, and Alice nodded briefly.

A blank look quickly crossed her face, and she decisively added "Garrett should do it. Kate still thinks someone in there smells delicious – a bit spicy, like a fajita," she finished, wrinkling her nose. "Where Kate had fajitas in her human life I do not know, but that's what she is associating it with."

"Are we good to leave them here?" Jasper asked, looking concerned.

Alice nodded again. "Yes, I see her making a game of holding her breath, and she has never had a slip up. She has also resolved to talk to Garrett if it gets to be too much, but I don't see that happening. Still, we should make this quick."

We switched things up a bit, with the boys in one truck and Alice and I in another as we headed down what looked to be the main road. It was different from the one we'd come in on, but it was larger and better maintained. We led the way, and before long Alice told me to take a left up ahead. She looked tired – deciding to turn at every crossroad in order to see a vision of the future it held became exhausting after awhile, and I knew she would need to rest before we went on. It was about as close to sleeping as we came, but sometimes we just needed to recharge our batteries, so to speak.

Sure enough, we shortly came upon signs declaring a nearby hospital. We parked in front of a cluster of buildings, closest to the doors of what looked like an emergency room, and assumed our exploration positions. This time Emmett took the lead, and as he pulled apart the once-automatic doors, we all recoiled. The scent of undead came crashing out around us. Whatever had been cloaking the area did not have jurisdiction over the hospital.

"Holy shit," Emmett muttered as the four of us slowly entered the stale air of the hospital lobby, trying to control our gagging. I had never smelled anything like it, and most human smells were already unpleasant.

"There must be Forsaken trapped in here," Jasper muttered. "But that doesn't make any sense – if Mike could work a lock in his state, how could a simple sliding door keep them in here?"

"I don't know," Alice said, looking aggravated. She was annoyed she could not see the future of Forsaken, which led us to believe her talent was tied to brain activity. It obviously wasn't affected by a heartbeat, or lack thereof, because she could see vampires and couldn't see the wolves. It was slowly driving her crazy, and I was starting to wonder if we were going to have to put her back in the asylum she'd come from.

That made Jasper glare at me. Yeah, I'm a bitch – I know, I know.

We all nodded at each other and slowly, silently crept forward. The smell didn't get worse, but it didn't get better, either. Carlisle had given us evidence that vampires were immune to the bites of the undead, but he later admitted it stung like a bitch, even more than getting another vampire's venom in your system, so we wanted to be careful.

One by one we split off, checking the administrative rooms of the first floor, but they were surprisingly clean. A few blood stains on the floors and walls, but the beds had all been stripped and there were no puddles of gore like we had found in other places. It was completely and utterly unnerving, but we kept going.

The second floor was a bit different, but it looked _lived in_, almost. There were unmade beads, but the sheets were mostly clean and there were no scattered supplies like we had seen in other hospitals and stores that were the victims of looting.

"Maybe it was too far out to be looted?" Alice suggested, but Emmett shook his head.

"No way, man – we aren't that far from where we left all those humans, which means it wasn't too far out from other humans. I bet the town is over those hills, and this would be one of the first places anyone making a go of it would come."

Alice nodded. "Besides, it looks like some of this is more recent." She paused as we approached a window, nodding. "Look, there are more buildings over there. I think it was more like a compound than a big huge building like we have in the states. We should go check those – this seems to be a clinic of some kind, or there would be a lot more room and supplies."

We all agreed and scoured cautiously left the building, pausing for a moment to enjoy the unimpeded fresh air. "That explains a lot," Emmett noted, pointing to a sign by the door we had exited, which read _Departamento de G__eriatría_.

"Ugh, no wonder it smelled like old people," I muttered, tossing my hair and hoping I could find somewhere to take a shower before the stench irreversibly clung to my hair. I didn't want to go into the other buildings, which Jasper could feel, but he threw me a look and I sighed, leading the way to another of the four buildings that were clustered together.

This one had nothing interesting – more beds, but it was even cleaner, though it stank of a mixture of bleach and rotting flesh.

"Could someone be _living_ here?" Alice asked, her eyes squeezed tight as she tried to force a vision to appear in her head.

"Maybe, but I don't see how a human could stand the smell," Jasper replied. "It's bothering us, and we have stronger stomachs. I don't think this is inhabitable for humans," he concluded, and we all kind of shrugged.

"Maybe someone is trying to clean it up for use?" Emmett suggested, and Jasper nodded.

"I find that much more likely, to be honest. Not that the living is completely impossible, I would just be really surprised. Humans tend to want to find a place to settle and rest that feels, and smells and seems, safe. This would probably just make them really nervous, and they can't rest like that."

We all nodded and checked the other two buildings, the latter of which was a longer, broader building with only one floor. It had a larger, bright sign that read _D__epartamento de Neurología_, and the entire building looked newer than the others. We entered expecting to find it pristine as the exterior would suggest, but Alice jumped back squealing "Ew!" as she walked through the door.

Jasper and Emmett instinctually leaped in front of us in the protector's stance, which had Alice swooning and me rolling my eyes. Jasper muttered "what the fuck?" and stuck his head outside for a large gulp of fresh air before motioning us inside.

Emmett and I glanced at each other in confusion when we saw the lab – it wasn't torn apart or anything, but it was definitely messier than the other areas we had seen. For one thing, it smelled, if possible, even more strongly of Forsaken, and while it wasn't a surprise to see the fridges emptied of any tissue samples, what _was_ surprising was that the glass containers we all assumed the samples were stored in were all washed and stacked neatly in the sinks against the wall.

We just stared speechlessly at one another until Jasper walked out of the room, taking another lungful of air as he cleared the threshold.

"That was weird," Emmett said, and we all nodded in agreement.

"Still, is it any weirder than some of the other crap we've seen around here?" Alice asked, and we all agreed with her, too. This area was turning out much more strangely than any of us had anticipated when we came here looking for survivors.

* * *

Emmett cranked bad metal and sang along at the top of his lungs until we finally got a signal from Jasper that we needed to stop and get gas. I really needed to work on these engines, and see if maybe I can get the gas mileage up. It was only a matter of time before we ran out of fuel. We could run back if we got stuck down here, but we'd have to leave any supplies behind, and carry survivors.

For some reason, we still had working electricity and working cell phones. None of us knew why, but we were determined to enjoy them while we still could. As Emmett filled up, he made a call back to Bella at the hotel.

"How's my little Freddywoowoo?" he crooned into the phone, and I swear if I had been human I'd have vomited all over the pavement. Emmett's eyes bulged at Bella's response. "What do you mean he's not eating? He has to have those brains, Bella, or he'll starve to death!"

Something garbled came through the line until Emmett began screaming. "No! I do _not_ think Fred is a good subject to test whether or not zombies can starve to death, Bella! Put Carlisle on the phone!" I placed a soothing hand on the nape of Em's neck, but he shook it off, growling. "No, fuck this – we're on our way back right now."

"No, don't _flush_ him!" Emmett cried, and the phone came flying toward my head.

Why was I married to him again?

"Emmett, we can't just leave those humans. We'll be back in a few days. I will call Bella and tell her to feed the fish, okay?" I asked, rubbing his bicep in an attempt to distract him.

"Whatever," looking like he might cry. I snatched the phone and called Bella back. She answered immediately, and she sounded so worried I asked her to put Edward on the phone. She was too sweet to yell at, but years of practice made it easy to bitch at Edward for no apparent reason.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, we have a metric shitton of humans to take care of, and Emmett's about to lose his shit. You feed that fucking fish, or so help me _God _you will suffer by my hand. Do you understand me?" I could practically hear Edward rolling his eyes, but eventually he responded.

"I'll feed the fish myself."

"Wait, I'm putting you on speaker so Emmett can hear you. Repeat that, Edward," I ordered, pressing the speaker phone button.

"Emmett, I will feed your fish until you get back. If it's that important to you, I will make sure he's fine. Just do what you need to do and I will take care of the fish."

"Fred," Emmett whimpered, and I could hear Edward grinding his teeth.

"Yes, Fred. Bella and I will take care of Fred. Now, Rose, how many people are you expecting?"

I turned off the speaker phone and rapidly filled Edward in on our findings, telling him I'd call him before we took off to let him know if the humans were coming with us or not. He sounded pleased, and told me to keep in touch. I clicked the phone shut and Emmett gave me a big bear hug, spinning me around in a circle.

"Thank you, Rosie! Thank you!" he said, burying his face in my hair.

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, trying not to smile as we headed back inside. We gathered everything we could find, from bandages and hydrogen peroxide to a variety of medications Jasper thought would be helpful.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," I muttered, "but I wish Edward was here. His whole 'I have been to medical school six thousand times' thing might have come in handy, for once."

"Or Carlisle," Alice added, but I shook my head.

"Carlisle wouldn't have the heart to start kicking in teeth if we ran into trouble down here," I explained. "Edward, for all his broodiness, is really looking for a fight, especially since he won't let himself into Bella's pants. For the love of all that is holy, we really need to get him laid!"

Jasper cleared his throat. "Perhaps now is not the best time for ranting, Rose?" he suggested as we stuffed the last of the supplies into large sacks. One Hummer was completely full, and the other already had a bit of the overflow. We decided to mark the place on the map so we could come back if we needed more supplies and head over to the little town nearby in order to scavenge some food.

Emmett had been right – the town was right over the hills, and it reeked. We had stopped at the largest market we could find, which was still pretty small, but got distracted in the parking lot as we got out of the vehicles.

"What is that noise?" Alice asked, and we all cautiously approached the edge of the cement, looking down into a sort of gully beneath us.

Forsaken. Thousands of them milling around, and they looked pissed.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Gustavo POV:**_

It had been a bit difficult, going through the change as my wife, Karue, fled in terror. It had been even worse when I had discovered that the undead could still think and feel, but we were forbidden from revealing that to humans. Then the boredom set in, and I thought about putting a bullet in what was left of my brain just to escape from the monotony of it all.

I had watched my wife leave, physically unable to express to her that I was, in so many senses, still the man she had married. I mean, minus a few patches of skin and a couple of fingers and toes, I _was_ still the man she had married, well, _half_ the man I used to be. I would like to think that it would not have mattered, if only I had been able to express myself.

I set off to the north once she was gone, careful to avoid any human scents. I feasted on the wildlife on the shore, discovering that while humans had a slightly sour smell, animals had an inherent sweetness that I craved. I wondered if it had anything to do with their intentions – sweet humans would taste sweet, but evil ones would taste disgusting, and perhaps I had only run into the latter. It was a silly theory, but guesswork was all I could do until I ran into a large group of zombies on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

Karue and I had held out longer than most humans, so I was one of the youngest "reborn" among them. I wistfully thought of my wife, and her tenacity against the hordes of the undead, until a young brunette approached me.

"My name is Raquel," she told me in accented Portuguese, and we struck up a conversation. The young woman was originally from America, and had been studying in Brazil for the school year when the outbreak occurred.

"I like older men," she told me frankly, and suddenly all thoughts of my wife were gone as the beautiful creature engulfed me in her mouth.

It went on like that for days – banal conversation surrounded by meaningless, yet hot, sex with a younger woman and hunting in the areas around us. I began to wonder if this young woman was meant to distract me from something, until another man from the group, a man of about thirty named Hector, assured me this was not the case.

"That is Raquel for you," he told me. "She is insatiable, and every time an older," he paused, looking for a word that wouldn't offend me, "_gentleman_ joins the group, she has her way with him. No offense, but it will slow down a bit once we get someone new. Until then, you can tell her no, or approach someone else. We are very open about sex here," he told me, looking straight into my eyes with a seductive smirk.

"Oh," I responded lamely, unsure of what to say.

The days stretched on and my questions were slowly answered:

Yes, we had a physical restraint of some kind, almost like a spell, that kept us from behaving in a way that would expose our intelligence, for no apparent reason. No one had, to anyone's knowledge, broken that boundary.

Yes, most groups were making their way to the United States, though no one knew why – it was like a calling we couldn't understand, something drawing us there. Our group had determined that once it reached two hundred in size it would start traveling, leaving a few behind for any other Forsaken that stumbled across the camp and needed guidance, or "unlife counseling" as many called it.

Yes, unlife was boring, but there were bingo groups, swimming clubs and field trips to other parts of the area every weekend. Someone was even starting a cooking class to experiment with how human spices tasted on the brains we ate every day.

That's how I ended up here, in the stinking border town of Albina, milling around in a city park, groaning like I had not eaten in a week. We all felt equally stupid, but it was instinct, and no one could fight it – when we smelled humans, we either feasted, if we were sick and twisted, which most of us were not, or we played dead. Er, undead. We played _un_dead – glassy eyes, arms reaching out in front of us, ghostly wails echoing across the square. No one in camp liked the taste of human, and we resented the stupid movies that had led us to believe that zombies feasted on human flesh all throughout our lives. We even had a small collection of said movies, and watched one on each Thursday before discussing just how wrong the perceptions really were. Human flesh indeed. Disgusting.

Anyway, I shifted my eyes and saw four perfect human figures standing at the edge of a concrete parking lot above us, staring down upon us with horror. We had been enjoying the show, dancing a bit and getting some fresh air when they had entered the town, their sickly sweet scent infecting the air and making a few of my fellow undead vomit their lunches of brains from the nearby hospital. Several of us had been staying there for the weekend and had decided to get out after sprucing the place up, but our celebration was being interrupted by…

The Cullens?

I dropped my arms, turned to stare and cocked my head to the side. I knew those kids, and they were _not _humans – they were vampiros, and they had been coming to an island off the coast of Brazil since I could remember. My wife and I cleaned house for them, and they were always kind, but we knew better than to trust them. If the Cullens recognized me, shit would really hit the fan.

I groaned again and stumble/tripped toward the largest group near me, determined to act properly zombietastic enough to fit in without being seen and hide until they left. I would tell the others as soon as I could, but for now everyone was playing the part as planned. I hoped we were a large enough group that they would leave me alone, but another thought struck me – what would they make of all the animal carcasses in the woods if they went hunting? We had anticipated a few baffled humans finding them, not a group of knowing vampires.

They stood watching us for nearly an hour, completely unmoving. My feet were starting to hurt, but I knew better than to show discomfort or sit down – they would be on us like a fat human on a cupcake. I heard them whispering as they looked on, one of them in a very high, excited pitch, but we all just kept our heads down and shuffled around, disinterested. Unfortunately, they moved more quickly than we did even when we _weren't_ playing (un)dead, so before we knew it, they had zipped down to the stage and back up to their cars. We continued faking our mob until we heard the car drive away, then looked around in confusion.

"No way!" Raquel screeched from the front of the crowd. "They zombienapped Justin Bieber!"


	11. I'm a Shockstar

_**A/N: Thanks, as always, to the usual suspects – Ameliegee, Rarae_xoxo and KillianMcrae for the amazing beta job!**_

_**And of course, thank you for reading!**_

_**Emmett POV:**_

We stood, staring down at the zombie horde for a while before I spotted him standing up on the stage beneath the band shell.

"O-M-G!" I squealed, clapping my hands in ecstasy before the rest of the family finally saw what I was pointing at. A young boy with light brown hair stood on stage in unlaced, floppy-tongued Nikes and a tattered t-shirt, a dark purple scarf wrapped around his neck. He was dragging a microphone by its cord, and it kept sending up screeches of awful feedback that hurt my ears.

"Is that Justin Bieber?" I cried, ignoring the fact that my voice had taken on a ridiculously high-pitched, squeaking quality. I couldn't help it – I was a total Bieleber. Suddenly, I had a great idea.

"Rose!" I mock-whispered, calling her over even though she looked like she wanted to throttle me. "Can we keep him? Please?" I begged, making the puppy dog face she always fell for.

"_No_," Jasper hissed, and I made a pouty face at him.

"Jazz, c'mon – he's so cute, and maybe Carlisle can study him. We can keep him in the Hummer and away from the humans if they come with us, and I can feed him the brains of whatever we hunt on the way back. It works with Fred!"

Alice, who had been standing off to the side, closed her eyes and almost immediately opened them, groaning as she nodded at Jasper. "Carlisle would want to study him and any other zombies we can get away from them without disturbing the crowd. I don't see any others close enough to the stage, but far enough away from him, to get to, though. Maybe we'll find some on the way back."

I squealed, clapping my hands with happiness. "_YAY!"_ I whispered loudly, barely remembering to stay consciously aware of what the zombies would and would not pick up on. While we could out run them easily, we did not want to call their attention to anything we didn't have to and accidentally lead them back to the humans who were waiting. If they decided to stay, we wanted them to be where they wouldn't have to move.

Rose grunted, and I could tell she was pissed, but she motioned for us to stay put. "I'll get him. If Emmett gets too close, he's going to go all fanboy and make a scene. You three go into the store and get the food while I figure out how to grab him."

We all nodded and she split off, slinking over to the edge of the fence that blocked off the steep slope down to the park beneath us. I groaned, shifting my dick in my pants – I loved seeing my woman hunt, and she was in full on hunting mode, even though she didn't plan to kill anyone, as far as I knew.

"Just snag him and buckle him in to one of the cars," Alice advised as we headed toward the doors. I wanted to stick around and see the Bieb up close, but Alice grabbed my wrist and dragged me away.

"You will have plenty of time to get up close and personal later, Emmett," she reminded me, and I smiled. I was going to have a Bieber of my very own! I would brush his hair and wash his scarf and let Alice dress him in all of the finest clothes. As I decided that, Alice turned around and did a little squealyclap of her own, looking excited.

"Yes! I think he'll fit into all that Gucci stuff we stole, I mean _took_, in San Francisco!"

I grabbed Alice's hands and we danced in a little circle of glee until Jasper sent us both a huge wave of mourning. We glared at him, but he just laughed.

"Knock it off, you two – we're on a mission, and that little display almost made me hurl my breakfast monkey right back up onto the pavement." It was his turn to glare, but as he turned around, Alice and I did one more dance around the circle before scurrying after him.

The store had been raided, but there were still some useful items back in the storeroom. We made quick work of bundling everything up nice and tidily. Alice had the foresight to put some other supplies in the truck – paper plates and utensils, soap and shampoo, bath tissue, and every tampon in the store. We had only run out of tampons once, but Edward had nearly lost his shit when Bella had gotten her period, so we made a point of bringing them back as often as we could. Esme was working on a version we could make ourselves that would serve the same purpose, but we couldn't help but tease Eddiepoo by pelting him with the boxes every time we returned from a trip.

By the time we had filled up the car, Rose had zipped back over the fence with a listless Justin Bieberzombie in her arms. She put him down with a huff, pausing to stretch her arms high above her head.

"That little fucker is heavy!" she exclaimed, gesturing to me. "You put him in the car, Emmett, but if he opens his mouth on the way back, I'm going to be shutting him up with your dick."

I raised my eyebrows at her, waggling them lewdly, but she only rolled her eyes. "Which I will cut off to use as a pacifier," she clarified, and I cringed, covering my manbits with my hands.

"You wouldn't do that!" I cried, but she nodded wickedly.

"It would grow back, and I have my toys until it does," she added, and I suddenly felt the urge to make her ride with Jasper and Alice.

"No way," Alice said as she got wind of my plan. "She's such a bitch about the radio. There is no way in hell she is riding with us, Emmett. You wanted the pet – you get to take care of it _and_ your wife. Have fun with that!" she cackled as she zipped into her and Jasper's car, locking the doors behind them. Jasper started the engine as I grumbled and climbed into the passenger seat next to Rosie – I knew the best way to assuage her was by letting her drive, since the Hummer was actually a pretty fun truck.

"Murr?" came a noise from the backseat. As Rosie pulled back on to the highway, she turned to glare at me.

"Murr!" I said, trying to convince her I had been the one to mumble. She didn't look convinced but apparently decided not to press the issue, instead testing the speed of the newly tweaked engine as we raced Alice and Jasper back to camp.

"How are we going to explain this to the humans?" Rose asked, and I pondered for awhile. It was a fair question. They had done everything to protect themselves, and here we were bringing a zombie right into their safety zone.

"I think we should leave him with one of us outside of the fence. If they want to stay, we will have to set it back up, but someone should be with him at all times, just in case. We'll ask Jasper," I added. "He'll know what to do."

Rose nodded, looking surprisingly satisfied, and turned on the radio. "Pray" came filtering through the speakers, and if Rose had been a human she probably would have stomped on the brake in shock. As it was, we stared at each other for a moment before turning to face the zombie in the back seat, but he made no sign that he had recognized the tune – he was staring out the window, still mumbling nonsensical things to himself.

Rose turned to glance at me, turning the radio to scan through the stations as she shook her head. Most of them were in Spanish or Portuguese, but the music was pretty good. I bounced along next to her until she spoke a moment later.

"You know, he didn't even _try_ to put up a fight or bite me. That kind of surprises me," she admitted, and it made me pause for a minute.

"Well, Carlisle got bit because Mike was going for Jessica, right?" I asked, and she nodded. "Maybe they aren't aggressive to strangers or people without a strong association?"

"Hmm," Rose mumbled as she considered my theory. "But if they could recognize associations from their human lives, why isn't the Bieber zombie telling us to never say never?"

I shrugged. We lapsed back into comfortable silence, both thinking about the reasons that could cause Mike to go for Jessica, but Justin to not recognize a song he'd probably sung a million times. By the time we pulled into the area outside of the fence, Jasper looked pissed.

"Where have you two been? We got here five minutes ago," he grumbled as we got out of the car.

"Oh, no, Jasper, not five minutes of waiting!" Rosalie said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh shut up, Rose," Jasper retorted, motioning for the keys to the truck. "Five minutes is ages in vampire time, and you know it."

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered, but winked at him. Those two really did bicker like brother and sister, or at least what I remembered from my brother and sister. It was quite insane.

"He should wait out here," Rose and Jasper said at the same time, pointing through the back window at the Bieberzombie. They stared at each other in wonder like they always did when their thoughts aligned, and then shook their heads in unison. It was quite amusing, but Edward hated it – he said when they thought the same thing it came through extra loud in his head and rattled around in there.

"Come on, champ, it's time to get out. Do you need to go to the bathroom?" I asked, and Rose paused in the middle of unstrapping him and stared at me like I had three heads.

"He's a _zombie_, Emmett, not a Baby Go Oopsie doll!" she grumbled, moving to the other side of the car to help me guide him out. His limbs were a bit gangly but he was fairly well coordinated for a zombie. He just stared at me, and I have to admit, that shit was creepy. Rose and I stayed with him outside of the fence as Jasper and Alice drove the car into the compound.

"_Gotta change my answering machine, now that I'm alone, 'cause right now it says that we can't come to the phone…"_

I glanced up from my muttered singing to find both my wife and my newly adopted zombie son staring at me with horror in their eyes.

"Look, Rose, he recognizes it!" I said excitedly, gesturing to the Bieb. He shook his head mournfully and shuffled his feet.

"Huh," she said, looking at him. "Justine? Are you alright?" she asked, and I snorted.

"It's _Justin_," I corrected her pompously, puffing my chest out. Rosie glared at me.

"And I'm calling her _Justine_. I want a daughter, and Alice will have fun playing Barbie. It's not like he cares either way. He's mostly _dead!_"

"Do not disrespect the Bieb!" I shouted, wrapping my arms around him protectively. His eyes bulged a little and I loosened my hold. He gurgled, and I suddenly felt uneasy.

"Wait a minute," I told Rose, who looked ready to hit me. "Rosie – Fred, that zombie fish? He talks. How come the Bieb can't talk?"

"Wait." Rosalie held a hand up in front of me, completely ignoring Justin. "Did you just say the zombie fish can _talk_?"

I nodded, bracing myself for the storm.

"_Jasper!_" Rose hollered, and Jasper came running out the back door.

"What, what is it? Are there zombies?" Jasper asked, brandishing a machete that he'd unearthed from God only knew where.

"Worse!" Rose wailed, and Jasper stiffened. "Emmett has lost his goddamned mind!"

Jasper skidded to a stop in front of us, looking confused.

"Woah, woah, woah – Rose, calm down. Emmett's emitting guilt, you're giving off hysteria, and believe it or not, that is not an emotional cocktail I want a drink of," he said, stuffing the machete down into his pants and crossing his arms.

"But he just said that fucking fish can _talk!_" Rose sputtered, apparently impervious to Jasper's talent, which had me so mellow I could've sworn I'd just smoked a doobie. I started humming Bob Marley under my breath.

"Shut up, Emmett," they snapped in unison. I swear, those two were like freaky witch twins.

"What fish, Rose?" Jasper said, placing his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to concentrate his power.

"That stupid fish he left back in Forks!" she cried, but she seemed to be calming down some.

"God dammit, stop it, Jasper – my husband has lost his marbles. I'm allowed to be upset!"

"I have not," I finally said, looking at both of them and shrugging. "I just happen to know that Fred can talk. That's why I keep checking on him."

"See?" Rose squealed, flinging Jasper's hands off her arms and coming to embrace me. "It's okay, schmoopsie, we will find out what's wrong with you. We'll get you the _best_ care!" I was tempted to smack her to break her out of it, but I knew I'd pay for that later. I gently took her arms off my neck and held her hands in front of us.

"Babe, I'm fine. I'll prove it to you. Fred can talk."

Jasper just stared at both of us. Finally, he spoke. "So…if Fred can talk, and I mean _if_," he said, before Rose freaked out again, "why didn't you tell anybody?" he finished, and I felt a flush of shame.

"I didn't want Carlisle to cut him open. He's a nice fish," I said lamely, and suddenly felt the urge to punch myself in the nuts. I was so _stupid!_

"Carlisle won't cut him open, Em," Alice assured me, having joined us when I was busy watching Jasper try to handle Rosalie. She slipped up and took Jasper's hand, who took a long, deep breath and looked like he was feeling better. "He'll want to study him, but he won't hurt him. Same as the Bieberzombie. You know Carlisle wouldn't hurt them," she added, and it was my turn to breathe deeply. This was Carlisle – my father figure for almost as long as I could remember. Of course he wouldn't hurt anyone, Fred or otherwise.

"Sorry," I muttered, toeing a rock with my dirty sneakers. "I just didn't think anyone would believe me," I added, feeling resolutely stupid.

"Well of course we don't," Alice said, ruffling my hair, "but that just means you'll have to prove us wrong!" she chirped, and I smiled.

"Seriously, Em, it's going to be fine. Edward and Bella are taking care of Fred, we've got the Bieberzombie. We need to take care of these humans and then get back to the compound. Jasper was about to ask them for their final decision when Rose called him, so let's go back in there and see what they want to do." We all nodded and I felt a lot better. I was glad my siblings always had my back, even when they thought I was batshit crazy.

"Everything okay?" Garrett asked as we tromped through the back door. Rosalie had offered to stay back with JBieb, saying she needed to blow of some steam so she might take him hunting.

Jasper nodded, muttering "I'll explain later," and moved to the front of the group.

"Sorry, everyone," he said, Karue at his side, rapidly translating. "False alarm. Nothing to worry about. Now there are a couple of things I need to explain to you before asking your final decision," he said, leaning back against the wall as everyone stared up at him. You could tell they really trusted him to do what was best for them.

"First, this is very important and I forgot to mention it last night. There is a pack of werewolves living with us in the compound." Jasper paused to let the gasps work through the room.

"¿Lobisomen?" a hush came over the crowd as the older woman I'd seen before, speaking Portuguese, came forward. "¿Lobisomen; dog?" she asked, looking at Garrett. His Portuguese was rudimentary at best, but he probably knew the most out of all of us. Rose and I never bothered with anything other than French and Spanish, and Carlisle and Edward, the ones who learned languages for fun, weren't around.

"Yes," Garrett nodded, confirming her suspicions. We were all baffled when she turned to the others in her group, who were all smiling and laughing.

What the fuck?

"Anyway," Jasper said, shaking his head and bringing attention back to the front of the room, "these wolves are men from an area close to where we were living before the outbreak. They protect the humans not only from Forsaken, but from _us_. They are very nice, and there for your safety – I just wanted you to know about them up front, so that there was no confusion or surprise. Okay?"

The crowd slowly nodded, looking a little overwhelmed. I was expecting them to break into hysterics at any time, which made me think of Rosie and how she was coping with the Bieberzombie. I leaned out the doorway I was standing in, but she was simply sitting on the hood of one of the trucks with the Biberzombie standing in front of her. I pulled my focus back to Jasper.

"Second, we have a Forsaken in one of the trucks outside. It is outside of the borders of your compound, and will be under constant supervision." Again, a gasp rippled through the crowd, but they seemed to be getting desensitized to these grand pronouncements. Then again, that could be Jasper controlling them, but that didn't really seem his style. He'd control them if they panicked, but he had always said people had a right to feel the way they felt until it became a problem for others.

"If we are going to survive this, we need all the knowledge we can gather. We were able to obtain this zombie without raising the ire of the mob we ran into, and our leader, Carlisle, will want to study it." I noticed Jasper left out the part where

"Third, and finally, I have a couple of things for you to consider further. If we leave you, we will leave all of these supplies with you. If you come with us, we will pack them up and take them with us. It's up to you to weigh the good versus the bad – if you stay, the food will eventually run out again. If you travel, the trip is long and will have its own issues. We are going to step outside and let you discuss everything. When you have decided, please come out of the front door and wave your arms, okay?"

Karue nodded and Jasper motioned us toward the door.

Rosalie was still sitting on the hood of one of the trucks, but now she had pulled the zombie closer and was twisting zombieBieb's hair into tiny little braids all over his skull.

He looked serene, letting out little zombie sighs with a smile on what was left of his lips. I knew Rose would warm up to him.

"Oh, shut up," she muttered, knowing what I was thinking. She pulled me up next to her as Jasper and Alice wandered a little way off and Kate and Garrett sat down in the sand, making sand angels. You could tell we were all dying for some couples alone time, but we knew better than to go anywhere more private and leave the humans undefended.

"What are we going to do when we want to have sex?" Rose asked me. "You wanted to adopt a kid, and we've got a kid that can't be left alone _ever_, or he might try to eat one of the residents. Seriously, Emmett, if this means I don't get any sex, I'm going to kill him myself."

JBieb's head spun around almost like that chick from the exorcist. "Relax, J, we'll get someone else to watch you if we need to. Rosie's just grumpy." That seemed to relax him, but his eyes were still narrowed in suspicion.

"Well, that was quick," Kate said, nodding toward the door where Karue was motioning us back over with her arms. We walked over slightly faster than human speed, huddling at the front of the room to await the verdict. I wasn't sure when I started feeling like this was a trial and they were judging us, but that's exactly how I felt.

"Take us with you, please," Karaue stated plainly, her face impassive.

"Of course we will," Rosalie assured her, nodding. The room erupted into cheers, which made me grin. Presumed innocent, until one of us ate one of them, and that would never happen with the wolves around. Jacob had already laid out some ridiculously painful-sounding ways for us to die, and I think that had resonated with all of the vamps.

Everyone in the room broke out into excited chatter, and I knew this was it – they would gather their things and we'd be on our way, and Fred and the Bieb would be united in our happy little family!

"Em, call home and tell them we're coming with forty-seven additional humans. The trip will take us about a week, because I don't think the bus will go vamp speed, and they'll need the time to prep the compound, anyway. I'm going to go talk to the humans and see what they need from us to help them get ready to go."

I nodded and took out my phone, stepping just outside the door to make the call. I tried Carlisle first, but he didn't answer. That immediately made me a little nervous, since he, as a doctor, was usually good about answering his phone, but I swallowed the fear and dialed Edward next.

"Hey, Em," he said, answering almost immediately. "Fred is fine. I think he's even getting a little tubby," he added, and I laughed.

"That's good, Eddie, thanks. I actually called to tell you guys we're coming back. The humans here have agreed to join us, so we're going to have to get space and food for another forty-seven people ready to go."

"That's great," Edward enthused, sounding genuinely happy. "Here, let me find Carlisle. Talk to Bella for a second, okay?" I heard the phone crackle a little as he handed it off, and Bella's sweet voice came over the line.

"I promise I'm taking good care of Fred, Emmett!" she said first thing, and I laughed. "Oh, I have no doubt – Rosalie threatened Edward's manhood. That's very effective."

"Yeah," Bella grumbled, muttering something under her breath that was lost to the airwaves. "About that, tell your wife I said _not cool_."

"Will do," I added. "We got you some more sugar, though, so be happy," I told her. "I swear, we should just start growing the cane."

"Pretty sure sugar cane doesn't grow in rural Washington state, Emmett," Bella shot back. "But thanks for the sugar. We're running low, and I hate having to ration it so stringently. Especially with the kids."

We chatted for a moment more before I heard Edward coming back.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Carlisle chanted as he took the phone, knowing his being out of touch made me exceptionally nervous.

"It's okay," I told him, then filled him in on the situation, including the fact that we had seen the housekeeper from Isle Esme in the crowd, though hadn't had a chance to speak to her.

"Well, that's wonderful news!" he enthused. "Any idea how the sleeping situation will break down?" he asked, and I realized I knew nothing about it. I promised to find out before they left and call him back, but he said he'd have enough rooms ready for everyone just in case.

I reentered the warehouse and found everyone ready to go, with Jasper and Alice leading an organized line toward the front doors.

"Wow, that was fast," I muttered to Garrett, who grinned.

"Apparently they _really_ want out of this hellhole, even if they have to go with vamps to do it."

I laughed and started herding people onto the bus, helping them find places for all their stuff, which wasn't much – Alice was going to have a ball shopping for this crowd. There were a few personal momentos, and we put some snacks and bottles of water near the front, but none of the humans had any real "luggage" so to speak. When the outbreak hit, these people ran for their lives, and all nonessential items were left behind.

I climbed up the stairs for the last time and retained Karaue and one of the younger Portugese-speaking members near the front of the bus for a moment. As I called out in a booming voice, they translated accordingly.

"Hi, I'm Emmett," I said, securing a small hat atop my curls and grinning. "I'll be your bus driver for the trip. Food's up front, bathroom's in the back, and for God's sake – light a match if you drop a stinker. This world smells bad enough as it is."

That got a laugh, and I hopped into the driver's seat and put the bus in gear. The great North/South/Central American road trip was about to begin.


	12. Brain Error

**Rosalie POV:**

Something low and fuzzy hit me around the middle and I went sprawling to the ground.

"Leah! _Gross!_" I screamed, pushing the huge furry thing off me, but not before she had a chance to lick me from chin to brow, leaving a sticky trail of wolf saliva all over my face.

"Oh, my _God_," I groaned, getting to my feet as Leah scampered off into the wolves' tent to transform and get dressed. "You are so going to pay for that!" I screamed after her, and I heard her bark turn into a laugh as she phased.

"Ewwww," I groaned, turning to my husband for sympathy, but he was busy laughing at me and making a gesture that I should grope Leah the next time I saw her. What an immature idiot.

I waited for Leah to emerge from the tent and gave her a quick hug before I started toward the showers, desperate to get the wolf stink off of me – Jasper and the others could get the humans unloaded, and I'd be back in time to help get them settled into their rooms. I was just starting to imagine how nice the hot water would feel after the long trip when a commotion broke out behind me, causing me to turn back around.

"No fucking way!" Seth yelled, before his knees gave out and he collapsed on the cold ground, laughing. Edward started laughing too, but the humans coming off the bus just looked confused. There was a small pileup at the bottom of the bus stairs – humans were stopping and staring, hesitant to move toward a group of people they didn't know who were laughing more hysterically by the minute.

"It's okay," Edward called out to them, holding his hand out as he still chuckled. "Please, we won't hurt you. My name is Edward," he added, and the first few people took tentative steps toward him. Seth had progressed to full-on howling, still in human form, until Sam lightly kicked him in the ribs, causing him to curl up into the fetal position.

"Ow, Sam! Not cool – it's not my fault Leah just im—"

"Impressed us all with her Trivial Pursuit skills, yes!" Sam continued, chuckling awkwardly.

"Get him inside!" he hissed to Paul, who nodded and dragged Seth toward the hotel by the back of his shirt. Seth had stopped laughing and looked resigned to his fate of being dragged around like a puppy, crossing his arms as his head nearly disappeared into the neck hole of his dirty polo shirt.

They disappeared around the corner and I turned to see Sam and Carlisle surrounding Leah, who was struggling to get away from them. Jasper was herding the humans into the first floor of the motel, careful to lock the fence up behind them – after Mike's great escape, Tanya had installed a keypad lock that required a code to open or close. I was torn between helping the humans and going to my friend. Emmett was helping with the humans, and he nodded toward Leah, his way of saying "we got this." I approached her slowly, spooked by the panicked look on her face.

"Let me go!" she was crying, and as I approached her she finally focused on my face. "Rose! Rose, tell them to let me go!" she sobbed, and Carlisle cautiously released his hold on her to let me take his place. Leah buried her face in my shoulder and I cautiously wrapped my arms around her.

"What's the problem, Lee?" I asked, and felt her shudder beneath me.

"They won't let me go to her!" she sobbed, and my heart broke a little bit.

"Go to whom?" I asked, but she didn't answer.

Sam gently squeezed Leah between our bodies, snuggling her in a sense. I tensed for a fight, knowing it was normally something she would never allow, but I was filled with surprise when she leaned into him, still crying. _What on earth?_

Sam gave me a look and jerked his head toward the wolf tent, slowly and cautiously walking with Leah still between us. It only took a minute to realize that we were restraining her as much as we were comforting her. Sensing the shift in demeanors, Leah tried to break away from us and dash toward the humans. Jasper had sent reinforcements, though, and I felt a little better knowing that if she got away from us, she would be stopped by a secondary ring of vampires.

"Leah," Sam said as we walked, soothing her with his voice. "Leah, it's all right. You can go to her in just a minute – we just need to talk to her first. She needs to know what's going on before you just pounce, okay?" Leah ignored him and stiffened, preparing to phase.

"Don't you dare phase, Leah Clearwater," Sam said, using his Alpha voice, and I had to admit even _I_ was a little freaked out...and turned on. Leah scowled and slumped against him until she cocked her head to the side, listening to footsteps return around her.

"Leah?" Jasper called, sounding slightly nervous, which was really weird for Jasper. "I have someone I want you to meet, okay?"

Leah perked up and Jasper stuck his head in the tent, making a face. "Ew, Leah, it smells in here. Come outside, okay? She's right here."

I walked out before her, holding her right hand in my left, looking around. It was just Edward, Carlisle, Jasper and Kaure.

"Leah Clearwater, meet Kaure," Jasper said theatrically, gesturing to the little old lady with a flourish of his hands. Leah stared at her, then instantly ran a hand through her hair, straightened her shirt, and said the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard:

"Heyyyy, pretty lady."

Seriously, Leah? Ugh.

I must have said that out loud, because everyone was looking at me except Leah, who was staring at Kaure as she addressed me. "What? It works for Tom Jones."

"Tom Jones?" Kaure's voice went up like sixty octaves and she started clapping her hands together. "I love Tom Jones!" Without circumstance she bent down, slipped her grandma panties down her legs and over her bare feet, and threw them at Leah's head.

We all gasped and recoiled, except Leah, who smiled like a goof and took a big whiff of the panties and sighed happily.

"Oh, _God_," Edward said, closing his eyes as he ran away, followed closely by Jasper. Whatever their talents were picking up they looked horrified, and I couldn't say I was far behind – the nude polyester blend of Kaure's panties hung around Leah's neck like some horrible kind of jewelry, and I shuddered.

"Wow, Kaure – it doesn't bother you that Leah's a werewolf?" Carlisle asked, and Sam snorted. She shook her head, her dark eyes still on Leah's face.

"You're good with weird," Sam added, which got Kaure's attention.

"I clean house for vampires. Of course I'm good with weird," she snapped.

And people say _I'm_ a bitch.

"What was that all about, baby?" Emmett said as I entered the main hotel area, looking around. Some of the kids were playing board games, a mixture of the established residents and the new ones. While the kids were mixing easily, the adults seemed a bit more wary.

"Did you check them for bites?" one of the overprotective parents asked, ushering her small son behind her legs, even though he wanted to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with the rest of the kids.

"Of course we did," Jasper snapped, looking affronted, "and a vampire has been with them for almost two weeks since we've found them and traveled with them. Believe it or not – we're not idiots. We've done this for awhile and we have a system."

The woman looked properly chagrined, which was good, because it kept me from beating her face in. The little boy escaped his mother's grip and ran to the closest table, joining the kids there. Sometimes I really wish adults held that innocence that small children do. Not teenagers – teenagers are right bastards, but small children…

Speaking of children…

"So, Carlisle," I started, pulling him into the hallway. Emmett had immediately gone to check on the fish, and I was kind of worried again.

"Emmett thinks Fred can talk," I said without ceremony, blurting it out in my nervousness. I didn't want to think my husband was batshit crazy, but it was time to acknowledge that fact.

"What?" Carlisle said, his face twisted with confusion.

"Emmett thinks the fish can talk," I said, enunciating each word slowly.

"Speak of the Devil," Carlisle muttered as Emmett lumbered down the stairs holding the bowl that Fred lived in.

"Say hi to Rose, Fred!" he crowed, sounding like a proud parent with a child that had just learned to say hello.

_Bloop_.

Carlisle and I stared at Emmet, but he seemed unfazed.

"Aww, he's just shy. Come on, Fred, say hi!"

_Bloop, bloop._

"Uh, Emmett?" Carlisle started, but Emmett just ignored him, shaking the bowl.

"Come on, Fred, don't make me look stupid!" Emmett was staring hard at the fish, scowling.

"Too late," I muttered under my breath.

I anxiously glanced at Carlisle, but he just slightly shook his head at me and mouthed "Don't upset him."

I nodded and moved forward to take Emmett's arm, but he moved before I could grab him. "Oh that is _it,_ young man. You are going back to your room and you aren't getting any dinner until you apologize!"

He marched back up the stairs toward our room, the water of Fred's bowl sloshing everywhere, and I just stared at Carlisle. What the hell were we going to do?

"Follow him," Carlisle whispered lowly. "Don't confront him, just make sure he's alright," he added and I nodded, slowly making my way up the stairs so as not to raise my husband's awareness. I quietly approached our room, but stopped dead in my tracks.

"But I didn't want to tell her," came a warbling British voice, and my heart would have stopped, if I had one. Was Emmett really talking to himself, now, too?

"But Fred," Emmett whined, and I risked looking into the doorway.

"Look, old chap, even _you_ are not supposed to know, so I couldn't very well tell her! There are _rules_!"

Okay, either my husband is a ventriloquist or that fish just fucking talked.

"What rules?" Emmett asked, sitting up straighter.

"Humans aren't supposed to _know_, dear boy!" Okay, that time I saw the fish's mouth move. This was fucking unbelievable.

"Why not? You told me," Emmett responded, stretching out on the bed with his arms crossed under his chin, staring at the bowl.

"I did not – you caught me. I was foolish. I just kind of like being private, alright? The moment your mates find out I can talk, everyone will be staring at me all the time. I like it being just the two of us," Fred added, adding a _bloop_ to the end of his sentence as bubbles rose to the surface.

"Make that three," I said, stepping into the room. Emmett sighed, but I could tell he had known I was there – besides being able to smell me, mates were more attuned to each other than anyone else.

"Oh bloody hell," the fish bitched, rolling what was left of his remaining eye. "Wonderful. Simply wonderful."

"Oh come on, Fred," Emmett protested, sitting up so I could join him on the bed. "Rose knows how to keep a secret. Hey," he added, looking at me, "where's the Bieb?"

"Oh, Alice took him. She's got him in her and Jasper's room, probably dressing him up. She said we'll tell the humans about him at dinner, so that everyone can find out at the same time. Jasper has set up a rotation so that someone is with him at all times, just to be sure, and Carlisle is going to start running blood tests soon," I finished, before internally smacking myself.

"Don't change the subject! That fish can _talk!_" I muttered, feeling a bit woozy.

Just when I thought I had a grip on everything, some other paranormal element got added – first zombies, now talking fish. What next, aliens? We'd tell them "welcome to our planet, formally known as Earth, now known as supernatural clusterfuck five. Enjoy!"

"Of course I can talk," Fred snapped back, looking disgruntled…dish-fish-eled? "I am a Forsaken," he continued. "My brain is more human than fish now, though my body is unchanged. The virus transforms the cells to its basic form, which is humanoid."

"Wait," I interrupted, clapping my hand over Emmett's mouth so I could talk first. "Your brain is more human than fish? Does that mean all the animals are more human than their physical forms?"

"Exactly," Fred said, looking a little cheerier. "You caught on faster than I thought, girl. The virus evolved from a human sample, thus, it was unexpected that any other species were affected at all. We were an unforeseen side effect," he added, looking smug.

"They should have asked Alice," Emmett offered, grinning. "Anyway, told you he could talk!" He poked me in the ribs and I grunted in annoyance but didn't swat at him like I normally did.

"So did you talk before the outbreak?" I asked, and I knew it was only a matter of time before Carlisle and the others were involved. Em wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap, one of his hands wandering toward my left breast.

"Emmett," I hissed, smacking his hand away, "not in front of Fred!"

Cockblocked by a fish. Fucking figures.

Fred studiously ignored the outburst before answering my original question. "Of course I talked, but I only spoke fish. It seems that human speech is some sort of side effect of the virus. We also have a sort of group consciousness. We can't directly converse, but we can often tell when something is going on around another nearby Forsaken. It's almost like—"

Fred broke off suddenly as a scream echoed through the air. "What the fuck?" Jessica screeched from downstairs, and I tore down the hallway, taking the stairs four at a time. Emmett followed behind me, carrying Fred's bowl under one arm like a football with the other hand over the top, trying to keep the water from sloshing around.

We ran out the front door and pulled up short, nearly slamming into Jasper and a group of humans.

"Bambi is _talking!_" Jessica screeched, pointing over at the newest fawn in the pen where we kept the deer.

"I fucking swear to you – I went to put the apple cores in their feeding trough and she said 'yum!'"

I looked at Emmett – this was not good.

"Bloop," Fred added, and I glared at him.

"All humans inside _right now_," Carlisle called authoritatively, and I winced – Esme was wearing her sex face. She always got all turned on when Carlisle took charge. Ick.

She started fingering the strand of pearls around her neck and thrust her chest out. Edward immediately punched himself in the head, muttering "stop it – stop it!" until she looked guilty and changed her thought pattern.

"I can't unsee that, Esme!" Edward hissed. Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Wolves, inside with the humans just for safety's sake, please. Wolf form. Someone stay behind so you can hear our conversation, okay?" Carlisle asked politely when he told the wolves to do something, but they were so used to it that it was merely a formality. Jacob walked into the foyer to phase before coming back out and standing with us near the animal pen.

I took the initiative and cautiously approached the animals. Most were smart enough to skirt away from us, but the younger ones were brave, for some reason. I carefully caught the youngest fawn and held it gently, aware of how fragile he was. When he was born, the humans had insisted upon naming it Bambi. I thought that was inadvisable, given we were going to be _eating_ the thing, but there was no stopping them. One of the rabbits was named Thumper, and Emmett had recently acquired a pig they called Babe.

Fucking humans. At least vamp food had a name _before_ we met it, and Aro is very strict – no baby eating. Apparently that had been a big thing in the past, but now it was punished like creating an immortal child. I couldn't figure out if Aro liked kids or hated them, from his laws, but whatever. They were too small, anyway.

Anyway, they'd named all these animals, and while I worried it would make eating them later a lot more difficult, it made keeping track of them much easier. The fawn didn't even bother to struggle in my arms, and I leaned down and took a big whiff around his neck.

"He doesn't _smell_ infected," I told the others. Jasper appeared at my side, apparently after making a supply run to Carlisle's office. He handed Carlisle a small needle, and our vampy, but hot, father quickly drew a small phial of blood. I patted the soft fur on Bambi's neck and he just looked at me and yawned. Damn animals being too cute for their own good.

After quickly examining the slide under a microscope Jasper had brought with him, Carlisle shook his head. "Nope, no signs of infection. It's just weird that Jessica would say something like that. She's been pretty level-headed ever since Bella gave her a beatdown, and it's odd timing, considering Emmett recently disclosed his belief that Fred can talk."

"But Fred _can_ talk," Emmett and I said in unison, before turning to each other and pointing.

"Jinx!" we cried.

"Double jinx!"

Everyone started laughing, but then I remembered what we were talking about.

"Look, no one gets to think my husband is crazy except for me, okay?" I snapped, pointing with one hand at the fish bowl. "That fish talks. I heard him. He's British, and a bit of a stuck up chap, if I do say so myself."

"Hey! Fred is _not_ stuck up – you just don't understand him!" Emmett immediately argued.

"Bloop," Fred said, looking supremely bored.

"Oh, here we go again," I said, throwing my arms up, completely forgetting I was holding Bambi.

"Fuck!" the fawn yelled in a surprisingly deep voice, scrambling back to his feet once he'd hit the ground. "Not cool, bro!" he said, glaring at me.

Dead silence.

"That deer just fucking talked," Esme muttered, which started a new wave of tittering. Esme saying "fuck" was right up there with seeing the Pope in a porno – shit just didn't happen, so you had to appreciate the comedy.

"What the fuck, yo?" Bambi continued, shaking his head as though tossing hair out of his face. "God, no wonder everyone thinks you're a bitch."

Fucking smart ass deer.

"You little shit!" I yelled, scrambling toward him, but Alice locked her arms around me before I could get far.

"Seriously, Rosalie? You're going to pick a fight with a baby animal? Get a grip!" she hissed, eventually relaxing her grip. She had a point.

"Yeah, shouldn't we discuss the fact that you're such an epic hosebeast, even a baby animal hates you?" Tanya teased, but Carlisle shook his head.

"That's enough, Tanya! Maybe we should discuss the fact that the deer can actually _talk_, don't you think?" He ran a hand through his blonde hair, looking annoyed, and I had to stifle a laugh. We all seemed to have picked up the habit of brooding annoyingly, pinching the bridges of our noses and running our hands through our hair from Edward, and he seemed less-than-pleased we'd stolen his "thing."

"Shut it, Rosalie," Edward growled, and my desire to laugh was replaced by an angelic smirk. Smug bastard.

"I said knock it off!"

"Oh for the love of God," Carlisle grumbled, kneeling next to the fallen deer. "No broken bones or anything. You alright little guy?" he asked Bambi, who looked at him with wide, brown eyes.

"I'm a fawn, not an idiot, dude," he bitched, rolling his eyes and doing a skittish little dance.

"Noted," Carlisle said wryly, and I had this mental image of Bambi being delegated for the next stew as a punishment for his insolence. Edward snorted, and we grinned briefly before my attention was drawn back to the group.

"Well, you've certainly got a mouth on you," Carlisle noted, still running his hands gently over the fawn's hind quarters – even when he was annoyed, Carlisle was a doctor first and foremost, and you could tell Bambi fascinated him even more than Mike Newton had. "Care to explain to me how you can talk? I mean, I've seen a lot in my day, but this is new."

"I don't know, man, you're the doctor. How am I supposed to know? I mean, come on—"

Carlisle gently but firmly clamped a hand around the fawn's mouth, careful not to hurt him, but silencing the grating voice immediately.

"Anyone remember which deer birthed him?" Carlisle asked the group as a whole. I shook my head – Esme and I helped mostly with the gardens. Kate looked thoughtful for a moment – she and Garrett headed the animal husbandry on the compound, with the help of a few humans who had experience with veterinary medicine.

"Hmm," she said, turning to her mate. "Wasn't it Lady? The one with the white mark on her chest? I don't know which buck bred her, though. We only have three, though. I'd guess Buck, since he's the leader, but we won't really be able to tell until Bambi's older."

"And Buck and Lady were both immune, right?" Carlisle asked, finally releasing his hold on Bambi, who wandered off looking disgruntled. The fawn stopped long enough to turn around and stick his tongue out at us before joining the rest of the herd.

"Yes," Kate and Garrett answered in unison.

"We tested every animal, just like you asked, before we kept them in the feeding pen, much less allowed to breed," Garrett added. "We tested this one, too, when he was born, to make sure there were no signs of infection. Besides – don't you usually see the physical symptoms first, anyway?"

"Yes, but let's face it – who knows if human speech is a side effect or not?" Carlisle added, and we all nodded. We started slowly making our way back toward the hotel before Jasper suddenly looked over at Tanya.

"Uh, Tanya? What are you doing here? Who's with the Bieberzombie?"

Shit.


	13. Dial 666

_**A/N: Well, this took longer than I anticipated, but as it's 15 pages and has a **_**ton**_** of important info in it, I hope you won't mind too much. Thanks to Lulu_m5 and bonnysammy for the beta job. Also, thanks to rae for helping me make this funnier, though it's still pretty dry. It had to be done. More crack soon!**_

* * *

**Ch 13 – Dial 666**

**Emmett POV:**

"Hey, I wasn't supposed to stay with him … was I?" Tanya asked, winding a finger through one of her reddish curls. That may have worked on some of the other guys, but I'd known Tanya too long to fall for that bullshit. Plus, Rosalie would have my balls in a not good way. A _really_not good way.

Rosalie glared at her, irritation marring her perfect face for a moment before she grabbed my hand, and we went back inside. Carlisle and Esme followed us, looking worried. We started toward the main room to use the emergency bullhorn for an announcement, but we were shocked into stillness the minute we reached the doorway.

The Bieber!zombie was clutching a marker in his half-rotted hand, scribbling all over the pieces of paper, posters, CD cases, and _boobs_that were thrust his way.

The Bieb was signing autographs. God dammit, if the Bieb was signing autographs, I wanted one. I didn't drag his ass all the way back from Brazil just to let the humans have all the fun! , and I wanted one.

Rosalie shot me a look that clearly said, _I know what you're thinking_, followed closely by one that said, _don't blow your cover, asshole._ I thought about asking _her_to go get an autograph, but again, that would lead to my balls in a very not good situation.

Poor balls. They're always so threatened.

Anyway, once I had restrained myself from jumping up and down and begging him to sign my man tit, and Carlisle had recovered from walking straight into me when I had stopped short. We entered the room. Rosalie, of course, had some choice words.

"Are you humans fucking crazy?" she screeched, dragging one of the fourteen-year-olds away and pulling her shirt back on her shoulders. Edward had followed us toward the main room, but was now cringing in agony on the floor of the hallway–I'd guess he wasn't too happy with the mental images flooding his mind at the moment.

"But Rosie," the girl protested, sounding breathless, "it's Justin Bieber! He's so_ dreamy._" Her voice trailed off as the others around her nodded enthusiastically. Edward moaned and twitched again, and suddenly the entire room started laughing.

"Dammit, Jasper," Rosalie said as everyone giggled.

"Sorry!" he muttered, looking a little guilty. I had to feel for the guy–he had a right to have his own emotions. It wasn't his fault that he accidentally sent them to the rest of us. The group of girls looked pissed as they stopped laughing at themselves, and Jasper had the sense to look contrite. No one could resist his puppy dog eyes and grin–the boy was a charmer, and he knew it.

"Jasper!" Edward hissed, sitting against the wall behind us. "That is disgusting, and she's only seventeen! What would Alice think?" Edward glared at our brother, obviously appalled.

"First of all, I'm technically only twenty, so it's totally legal. Second, Alice got there even before I did!" He grinned roguishly as Edward clamped his hands over his ears.

"Ain't that right, baby doll?" he called over to Amy. She grinned before turning around and pulling down the back of her jeans, showing a tattoo in pink and purple that said, _never say never! _My eyes lingered at the tantalizing bit of bare flesh, but Rosalie smacked me and Jasper just grinned.

"Justin, will you sign my stamp?" Amy asked in a sweet, innocent voice, and the Bieber!zombie's eyes bugged out for a minute. I was a little worried they'd literally fall out of his head, but he just held the marker and waved his arms, making her move in front of him to make contact.

"Is that zombie…following instructions?" Carlisle murmured, and the rest of us stopped and stared at him.

"No, really–he's already showing remarkable motor skills, being able to hold an object, and he seemed to react to her voice. Something fishy is going on here," our father figure mumbled to himself, and Rosalie started to laugh.

"Yes, very Fredfishy!" she added, and everyone, including me, looked at her like she was insane.

"Oh, come on," she said to me, tugging on my shirt sleeve. "You can't expect the Fred thing to stay a secret, now that we all just saw Bambi ta—"

"Call you on your complete bitchery?" Tanya finished, and I thought, for one blissful second, I was going to see another of Rose and Tanya's infamous catfights. It usually ended with shredded clothes, and all the men in the vicinity rushing off with their mates, or a few magazines, to take care of business. The girls never seemed to let the fights stop their friendship, tumultuous as it was.

"Can it, Tanya," Rosalie growled, bristling visibly. "I'm not the one that left a _zombie_ in a room full of _humans_! You're an idiot!"

"Girls, please!" Esme scolded, shaking her finger just like how I'd imagine a fifties housewife would reprimand anyone that said her pie wasn't perfect, or who tracked mud on the floors.

"Alright already. Let's get the humans out of here and contain the zombie before someone gets hurt," Carlisle said in an authoritative voice. We nodded and moved in sync to flank the zombie. He just looked at us passively; it appeared getting the girls away from him would be much tougher than prying him from the human flesh.

"Rose, you take the right side. Emmett, you take the left. Alice, Carlisle and Tanya, flank them. Esme, cover the door, and I'll come straight on. We're going to have to separate and flush him out of the room before the humans know what's going on, or they're going to put up one hell of a fuss," Jasper said matter-of-factly, and I was amused to see him applying all his military know-how to a stealth extraction of a teen idol.

Alice apparently agreed with me, because she sprang to attention and saluted him. "Yes, sir!" she said in her perky little voice, but Edward just groaned.

"Oh, you'll pay for that one, minx," Jasper muttered, looking predatory. Apparently Rosie and I weren't the only ones affected by the lack of private time when we were out on the road. Jasper had one thing on his mind, and once again I was glad I wasn't Edward. The more I learned about Alice and Jasper's sexual deviancy, they less I wanted inside the guy's head.

Alice's face went blank for a second before she turned to me and Rosie. "They're going to be out for blood, um, metaphorically speaking, once we get him out of there, so you two stick around and do crowd control. Tell them we'll set up supervised visits once we've got the new people settled in. That should keep them happy. Personally, I think it's disgusting–they're throwing themselves at someone who is, for all intents and purposes, dead. Ick."

"Well, to be fair," I interrupted, "so is Bella, and we don't judge _her_." Alice just rolled her eyes at me.

"Edward is not _rotting._And, just … ew, Emmett!"

"Apparently his 'sex appeal,'" Rosie added, drawing finger quotes in the air to emphasize her sarcasm, "overrules common sense. I mean, really – I know he's an icon and all, but I'm surprised they'd be this close to him. Don't they have any sense of self-preservation? Where's their survival instinct?"

"They apparently depend on us for that," Jasper interjected, bringing us all back to the matter at hand. "Let's do this."

Alice put her fingers together like she was holding a gun, and I almost laughed at how much she looked like one of Charlie's Angels. She winked at me and coyly cocked her hip, but Jasper was focused on his mission. He flicked two fingers forward, and we darted into the room, grabbing the Forsaken and zipping him out.

"What the—?" Lauren stated, putting her hands on her hips and literally stamping the floor. "Oh _hell_no! You bring Justin Bieber back right now!" she demanded, until Rosalie snarled at her.

"He's a fucking zombie, Lauren–he could have hurt any of you. Where are your brains? Oh wait, maybe that's why he was so well behaved–you don't _have_any!"

I just sat back with my arms crossed and let Rosie work through her head full of steam. She wasn't wrong–being anywhere near the Bieb had been incredibly risky. For all her bluster, I knew she actually cared about the humans' safety.

"Whatever, Rosalie, not all of us have a big hunk of man meat like Emmett. I'll take the Bieb even if he is a zombie!" Lauren retorted, puffing her chest out.

"_Man meat?_" Rosalie screeched. "Did you just call my husband man meat? You better back off, Lauren, before I claw off your pretty little face!"

I resisted the urge to laugh and stepped calmly between the two girls. "Enough. Lauren, ladies," I said, turning to the rest of the crowd, "I appreciate the fact that you are Justin Bieber fans. Rosie here is too."

Rosalie threw me a look of pure venom, but I couldn't help it. I liked poking sleeping bears, both literally and figuratively. Rosie may be taking the rap for me on the Justin Bieber fan thing, but I knew I'd pay for it later.

You know how we always say never bet on Alice? Well, this time I totally should have. Before I could explain the rest, about how we'd set up visitation for the girls to spend time with Justin, they converged on us like a pack of wild dogs.

And people say Rosie's a bitch.

* * *

Three hours later, Rosalie and I finally made it to our room.

"Motherfucker," Rose yelled, kicking at the bottom of our bed, which promptly splintered into a thousand pieces. Alice walked through the door, glaring, and handed me a two by four to replace the bottom leg. She turned and walked from the room with her nose in the air, and I had the strangest image of a flouncing cat with its tail high in the air as she exited the room.

"Sorry," Rosalie muttered, preoccupied with the scratches on her arms.

"No problem, babe. I mean, who knew Lauren had titanium in her fake nails, right?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started," Rosalie said, hissing as she pulled out a talon that was embedded in her marble-like flesh. "Why would someone do that? And I mean, _where _would someone get that? It's not like you can ask the little Asian lady at the nail salon to whip that up, can you? What the fuck, is she some sort of mutant Wolverine we don't know about?" The scratch instantly mended, but there was no fixing Rosie's mood. Then again, perhaps I could work this to my advantage.

"_No_, Emmett," she said, slapping my wayward hand away. "I told you, doing it in front of Fred would be like doing it in front of one of the kids. It's just not going to happen." I moodily plopped on the foot of the bed, glaring at the fish bowl.

"I never should have told you he could talk. He's seen us do it before, you know." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew they were a mistake.

"He _w__hat?_" Rosalie asked, her golden eyes narrowing so far they were no more than slits.

Fred placed a flipper over his face. "Tactical error! Retreat!"

If only that were an option, Freddyboy.

"That…_fish_…has watched us have sex?"

"Well, of course I have," Fred interjected. "It's not like you two are discreet, and I have been living in here for over a month. You two are like rabbits!" he said, his voice slightly muffled as he was still hiding his face with his fin.

"Oh _hell_no!" Rosalie exploded, grabbing Fred's bowl with one hand and flinging the door open with the other. Alice reappeared, still glaring, to hand me the epoxy I'd need to repair the cracked wall before stalking back toward the stairs. I swear she'd become like Esme in her home makeover diligence.

"Rose, wait!" I wailed, following her down the hallway like a little boy being scolded by his mother. "Where are you going? Put Fred down – you're going to hurt him!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Rosalie snapped, turning to face me as she walked up the stairs. "He's going back in Carlisle's office. There is no way I'm going to keep a spying, voyeuristic fish in our bedroom! It's bad enough as it is, having to keep quiet for the sake of the humans – there's no way I'm giving up sex entirely!"

"Voyeuristic?" Fred asked indignantly. "Madam, I have seen sexier things at the bottom of Lake Crescent!"

"Oh, can it, fish stick, before you become dinner for the bears!"

"She's not joking," I muttered, tugging the bowl gently from her hands. "Look, Rosie, Fred will get lonely up in Carlisle's office. Can't we just…uh… put a sock on the doorknob when we want to get busy?"

"And what, I'll walk out and entertain myself?" Fred replied scathingly, finally appearing from under his fin. "Just put me in the main area, there's always someone milling about in there."

"No way," Rosalie protested. "There's no way the humans will feel comfortable around a zombie animal. I mean, zombie Justin Bieber is one thing…"

"I think he's right, actually." Another voice came from behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin – I'd been so intent on the Fredtastrophe that I hadn't been paying any attention to what was going on around us, which could have been a fatal mistake. Carlisle ignored me and continued speaking as he took the bowl and stared at Fred.

"Bambi talks. Fred talks. The, er, shaggy-haired young man seems to follow directions. Something is going on here, and I'm going to figure out what it is. I'll feel better if they're all out in the open where everyone can keep an eye out for anything suspicious."

We had reached the main hall, and Carlisle carefully sat Fred on one of the tables at the front near all the extra utensils. "I'll make an announcement at dinner – if this fish so much as blinks, I want to hear about it."

His statement was met with Fred sticking his tongue out. I went to check on Bella in the kitchens while Rosalie filled Carlisle in on everything Fred had told us before, about being more human than fish.

"Hey, E-dawg," Bella greeted me, pointing to a counter covered in cans and jars. She and I had an arrangement – she hooked me up with the salacious human gossip and I opened all the stuff she couldn't get open in the kitchen.

"I got a text from Charlie," she told me as she chopped carrots finely. Charlie had been in Atlanta undergoing questioning since the outbreak began. The CDC seemed to find him a "person of interest" and was considering him a biological terrorist until they could prove otherwise.

"He's fine – says it's a bit boring, locked up in a cell, but one of the staff took pity on him and started playing cards. Charlie says if he keeps beating the guy at poker he's pretty sure someone will sneak him a file or a shiv so he can bust out. Winning cards is good for his street cred."

Six months ago, that statement would have been met with hysterical laughter. Now, I just nodded sagely – solitary confinement could change even a law-abiding type like Charlie. He was a man against the law, and I doubted he'd ever fish again…

So sad.

"Nothing else new to report, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you look at it," Bella added, scooping the veggies into a pot on the stove.

"It's so boring around here," I whined, picking up an apple and tossing it from hand to hand. "I swear, I thought repeating high school was dull, but this? We don't even get to go out and run anymore."

"You just came back from a scouting mission!" Bella scolded me, grabbing the apple in midair before I could accidentally squish it. The apocalypse suited Bella – she was more forceful, more confident, and definitely more coordinated. It was a shame the world had to almost end to see this side of her.

"I know, but that was _yesterday_."

Bella rolled her eyes and wordlessly pointed out the door. I sighed and hopped down from the countertop – getting thrown out of the kitchen was pretty much a daily occurrence. The hallways were quiet, the humans mostly relaxing during the downtime between chores and dinner, so I headed back to my room, thinking I'd read for awhile.

Rosalie was in there, fresh from a shower. Book, schmook – I pounced.

"No cockblocking fish!" we said in unison, and commenced with tearing each other's clothes off.

* * *

Rosie and I were relaxing while playing the questions game. It was surprising that after more than fifty years, there were still things to talk about. This time we had somehow ended up telling funny pet stories from our human days, and as she was telling me about Cookie, her white Persian cat that was considered a sign of wealth in Rochester at the time, Edward interrupted us.

"Meeting. Now. Carlisle's office." His voice boomed in my ears, but I doubted the humans could hear it – they'd all been asleep for hours. Something was up – he sounded, not terse, exactly, but distracted.

"On our way, bro," I said as we headed for the door. The constant proximity to humans had us moving at human speed more often, simply out of habit. The humans were no longer frightened by our sudden movements, but several had complained that us flashing by in a blur gave them motion sickness. It's not like it really mattered – without the room to run, it was more showing off than actual release. Still, Edward snapped at us the moment we walked through the door.

"What took you so long?"

"Nice to see you too, Edward. Still not getting any, I see. It makes you so _cranky_," Rosalie retorted. Jasper and I had to avoid each other's eyes to keep from laughing out loud. Rosie was harsh, but it was true – the minute Edward gave it up, he'd be _so_ much easier to deal with.

"_Anyway_," Edward said, the edge in his voice growing harder. "Carlisle made an interesting discovery just now, and he wants to talk it over with the family before he introduces the idea to rest of the group. He'll be here in a minute."

Our family passed the time the way we normally did – according to Edward's whining, everyone envisioned sexually explicit images of their mates just to annoy Edward. He occasionally growled, but mostly tuned us out. Every once in awhile, Alice would look at Jasper and nod enthusiastically, and _all_of us groaned – those two were sexual deviants if I'd ever seen any.

Carlisle appeared after just a few minutes, the Bieb in tow.

"Thanks for gathering, everyone. I trust I didn't…interrupt…anyone," he added, though no one bothered to respond. He knew he hadn't, because he always had Edward check. Granted, that was more than scarring to Edward, but it was worth it to Carlisle to be able to plan his meetings according to who was "busy."

"My theory here is that the mutation that Fred mentioned to Emmett and Rosalie has continued over to certain aspects of the previously human population. Justin here has been receptive to basic instruction. However, just like I can't quite explain why some humans are resistant to the virus and others are not, this theory does not explain why some Forsaken run rampant and attack, like Mike Newton did, and others don't. I'm thinking—"

"Some just like to kill, you know. People are fucked up."

"Shhhh! Shut up, you idiot!" Fred added in his British twang.

We all glanced around the room, not quite grasping where the original voice was from. Fred glanced around anxiously.

"_OMG! it's Justin Bieber!"_I squealed as the voice clicked in my head.

"Oh, just bloody wonderful!" Fred sniped, and the Bieber!zombie rolled his eyes.

"What? You've been talking to the other two for ages. If you can break the restriction, so can I!"

"But how did you?" Fred asked, completely ignoring the fact that the rest of us were gaping at the two of them. "I mean, I got busted on accident, so the restriction kind of resolved. How did you get around it?"

"Because of you," Justin said proudly. "I couldn't say a word until we got back here and it became common knowledge you could talk. Then that deer started talking, and then bam – I could talk!"

"But you don't," Carlisle interrupted, absently toying with the bottom hem of his lab coat. "You haven't talked to any of the humans, or I'd have heard about it – so far, all they've seen is that you don't eat anyone."

"Well, yeah, but the point is that once you've broken the spell, it's _broken_."

"So, wait…are _all_Forsaken intelligent?" Carlisle asked, and I knew he'd finally asked the $64,000 question. God, I really missed the Game Show Network when I was away.

"Well…not _intelligent_…per se…" Fred said uncomfortably, and he and the Biebs glanced at each other. "Just…cognizant."

"What's the difference?" Alice snapped, looking irritated – I could tell Alice hated her visions not working, just like they didn't with the wolves. We'd come to rely on her visions throughout the years, and I could tell she didn't like feeling useless.

"Okay, wait," Carlisle interrupted. He grabbed a notepad off his desk and started scribbling at vampire speed.

"Let's do this logically. Yes or no answers – no room for ambiguity. Can all zombies talk?"

"Yes," Fred and Justin replied in unison.

"And you communicate with each other through talking?"

"No, we sniff each other's butts," Justin retorted, and Carlisle glared at him. "Yes, we communicate through speaking."

"Do you communicate in other ways?"

"Well, we do play charades sometimes," Fred added, netting yet another glare from Carlisle.

"Look, you little freaks of nature – you're going to tell it to my husband straight, or I swear I will serve BOTH of you for dinner, one to the humans and one to the vamps, and I won't tell you which is which!" Esme burst out, and the entire room stopped to stare at her.

She looked embarrassed and primly straightened the apron over her blue dress. "Right. So, enough with the smart-mouthed answers. We need to know this."

"Did a vampire just call _us_a freak of nature?" Justin whispered to Fred, who wisely didn't respond. It was likely he knew how proficient Esme was at making sushi for the humans and he knew not to push his luck.

"We have similar communication patterns to humans," Justin finally answered. "At least, the previously-humans do. I'd imagine communication for fish is similar to what it was before the turning."

"It is," Fred confirmed. "Light and sound, mostly, as we don't talk under water any better than you do."

"We Forsaken have lots of non-verbal cues, though, just like you do," Justin finished, looking resigned to the fact that he was officially on Q&A duty, being the only human-zombie in the room.

"Do you eat brains?"

"Yes." This was met with a lot of groans around the room. I think the rest of the family had convinced themselves that if the zombies acted semi-human, they wouldn't eat other humans, but I wasn't sure about that. Still, it was worth the question…

"What kind of brains?" Rosalie asked, and I could tell she was tuned into my wavelength. I loved my babygirl.

The two zombies glanced at each other for a minute, seemingly having a wordless conversation. It was almost as creepy as watching Alice and Edward "talk."

"Brains are brains."

"I knew it!" I burst out, gesturing at the Bieb. "Fred doesn't eat human brains, and neither do you! Your eyes are all…golden…like ours!"

"Yeah, well, that might be the _rigor mortis_," Justin shot back, but I knew we were on to something.

"Why can't you tell us straight?" I asked, squeezing Rosalie so tight she smacked me to let me know I was almost hurting her. I relaxed my grip and shifted with her in my lap, leaning against the chair behind us.

"I'm..." Justin's voice trailed off, and he looked kind of confused. "I'm not sure, actually. I mean, I already broke one law, so I don't see what difference it makes. I don't eat—" His voice cut off, sounding choked, and he looked at Fred.

"That's what it sounds like when we try to talk to you with the barrier in place," Fred translated, and Justin nodded, looking supremely uncomfortable.

"Okay, that's fine," Carlisle said, patting Justin on the shoulder, which squished underneath the weight. Carlisle made a face and wiped his hand absently on Esme's apron, not noticing that she was looking affronted until she took it off and threw it at him. It draped neatly across his head.

"Sorry, darling," he added absentmindedly as he kept scribbling.

"So you communicate, and your diet is undetermined." Fred and Justin both nodded.

"Any idea why this barrier is in place?" Carlisle continued his questioning, not even bothering to glance around the room as he continued making notes.

"Ew!" Edward suddenly exclaimed, practically jumping out of his chair. "That is disgusting!"

"What?" Carlisle asked, looking alarmed. I immediately felt a little guilty, as I had let my thoughts wander to free time later with Rosalie, but he wasn't looking at me.

"I did _not_need to see that, kid." Justin stared at him with blank eyes.

"See what?"

"You and zombie Selena Gomez going at it like rabbits! Aren't you a bit _young_for such behavior?"

"Oh come on – you're just a prude!" Justin protested, causing Bella to duck behind her hair to hide her smile. The kid wasn't wrong. Suddenly, though, she reappeared from behind the shiny curtain and looked curious.

"Uh, Edward?" Bella said, cutting off Edward before he could respond to the Forsaken.

"No, Bella, we are not talking about this right now!" Edward snapped, placing a hand over his eyes. He rubbed at them for a moment before taking a deep breath. "We'll discuss our sex life later," he added, and Bella frowned.

"_Lack_of a sex life, more like…" she muttered. "No, really, though – did you just hear his thoughts? I thought you couldn't hear zombie thoughts…" her voice trailed off as Edward's eyebrows shot up.

"Holy shit."

"You did!" Rosalie cried, leaping off my lap. I was most displeased, because it left the whole family able to view my boner, but they were used to it at this point. I yanked her back into my lap, and she rolled her eyes at me.

"You couldn't hear Newton's… does that mean he doesn't have a brain?" Rosie continued, and I laughed.

"How did you do that?" Edward demanded, ignoring the rest of us and looking squarely at the Bieb.

"Do what?" Justin responded, and he looked genuinely baffled.

"I can read minds, but I can't read zombie minds. Yet I just saw you and Selena… uh…" If Edward could have blushed, I'm pretty sure he'd have been redder than Bella ever was.

"You saw that?" Justin squeaked, looking horrified. "That's _private!"_

"Yeah, well, welcome to our lives, kiddo," Rosalie muttered, and everyone laughed.

"Can we focus, here?" Carlisle asked, sounding annoyed. "Edward, what is different here? What did you see?"

Edward paused for a moment, thinking hard before responding. "It was weird. If reading a human's thoughts is like a movie, this was like watching TV on a badly tuned set. It was fuzzy in parts, seemed to kind of flicker in and out…_Emmett stop that right now!" _he yelled, and I nearly dumped poor Rosie on the floor.

"Stop what? I wasn't doing anything!" I shot back, feeling a bit frazzled.

"You were doing dirty things to Rosalie in your mind and sending it straight at me!" Edward accused, looking homicidal. I think my dear brother was starting to lose his mind.

"Actually," Fred interrupted, looking chagrined, "that was me. I was just wondering if it would work, and it was the freshest image that came to mind."

The whole family stopped and stared at me and Rosie, but she stuck her nose in the air. "What? It's not _my_fault the fish is a voyeur," she snapped.

"But that wasn't fuzzy," Edward commented, looking even more distraught.

"Hmm," Carlisle said, jotting things down. "Perhaps it was because of the inherent differences in human and fish brains? I mean, having Fred speak broke one barrier – maybe it broke another?"

"Maybe," Edward and Justin responded at the same time. Justin continued, looking thoughtful. "I don't know anything about thought restrictions, but then again, it's not something I could really test. Being able to read minds isn't exactly common."

"No," Carlisle agreed, "it's not, which makes me wonder if these restrictions are somehow directed at us – it seems that's a rather specific thing to control."

We all nodded thoughtfully.

"Sweet!" Alice yelled suddenly, and Edward grinned.

"Ladies and gentleman," he said before we could ask, "I think Bieber is the key to all of this."

"Did you see something?" Jasper asked, grinning, and his hopefulness spread around the room.

"I did – and it's pretty simple. With the spell broken when it comes to Justin's speech, all we have to do to continue to break the spell is take him with us. Apparently it transfers."

"No way!" Justin and Rosalie said together, though she looked happy and he looked pissed.

"I am_ not_a vampire lapdog," he sneered, which made Bella start laughing.

"No," she agreed, "that's Jacob!" The entire room dissolved into laughter, including the zombies.

"Man, he smells _bad_," Justin added.

"That's ripe, coming from you," Rosalie retorted, but she was still smiling.

"Alright, enough," Carlisle said, trying to suppress his smile. "So, we're in agreement these restrictions are oddly specific? Add the fact that the outbreak started here in Forks, and I think we're on to something. Alice, would we really be able to communicate with the others if Justin is present?"

"Yes," Alice, Fred and Justin all responded, eying each other suspiciously.

"That's creepy," Jasper and Bella said together.

"Stop it!" Rosie and Tanya finished.

"Okay, that is _really_freaky," Edward commented, pulling Bella closer. "I think we've spent entirely too much time together.

"I have a few more questions," Carlisle told the zombies, who simply shrugged.

_Seeing a fish shrug is really, really weird._

"Do you have any sort of mental links to other zombies? For example, we can often feel our mates even if they are not immediately near. Do you have anything like that?"

"No," Justin added, "but we also don't mate for life. Zombie un-life is a bit more…free swinging."

"Again, _ew_," Edward muttered, glaring and closing his eyes.

"Sorry!" Justin said, looking anything but remorseful. "Not my fault you can't stay out of my head!"

"I wish I could!"

"_Anyway,_" Carlisle continued, cutting over both of them in a louder voice. "No telepathic links. So you can't keep tabs on a zombie that's not here for us? It'd be useful to know what we were walking in to."

"Nope," Justin said, popping the "p," and I was nearly overcome with the desire to strangle him.

"Alice, what about you? Can you see any other zombie decisions?"

"No," she said ruefully, looking upset. "Then again, I don't think I saw that because of the zombieness – I think I saw it because someone was thinking about it. Edward, maybe? I don't know for sure, but we were all there."

"Hmm." Carlisle continued scrawling across the lines, now on his fourth sheet of paper. Where the hell had he gotten enough information to fill up four pages of notes? I must have missed something when I was dreaming about Rosie's ass.

"Emmett," Edward said in a warning tone, and I snapped my thoughts back to the topic at hand.

"I think that's enough for now," Carlisle said, completely ignoring us as he immersed himself in his research. "Alice, please see if you can pin down any information that would be helpful for a date. We're going to have to follow that scent trail and see where it leads, but we'll have to make sure the compound is on extra alert – the last thing we need is to walk straight into a trap and leave the humans at risk."

Alice nodded and stood up, tugging Jasper's hand in her own. "We're going for a run," she told the rest of us. "Jasper needs to feed and then we need alone time," she stated frankly, which made Bella blush all over again.

Alice winked at her and waltzed out of the room with her mate, leaving things feeling a bit melancholy in their wake – it was always hard to adjust to Jasper leaving abruptly, because even when he wasn't trying to make a large emotional shift, he made subtle changes. Having that yanked out from underneath you was a bit disorienting.

"Something tells me this isn't about zombies attacking humans, Carlisle," Edward mentioned, and several of us nodded.

"I mean, Mike could have attacked any number of humans. Justin had access to every female in the compound. And they just…didn't attack. I mean, yes, Mike went after Jess, but I'm actually convinced he could have hurt her if he wanted to. I mean, we weren't at the top of our game. He easily could have taken a bite of her, but he didn't. He seemed to back off when she screamed."

"That's true," Esme added slowly, remembering the day of the first attack. "And some of those new survivors told me they faced zombies who more or less left them alone. I wonder if maybe it's instinctual for them to chase, but not to actually attack?"

"Then how did the outbreak spread?" Rosie asked, which stumped us all.

"God, it's so simple," Justin said, startling us. I'd almost forgotten he was in the room. "First generation Forsaken were meant to reproduce. You'll find that they're all dead – zombies can, and do, die, you know. First generation has died out. Second generation has shifted. Our orders aren't to change and spread the virus, but to sit tight for further instructions. You asked if we have telepathy. Well, we don't – but she communicates with us. She's the one that set the rules about talking to humans, too."

Before anyone could respond to that mother lode of information, the door to Carlisle's study burst open and a team of human females, all dressed in black with pantyhose over their heads, seized Justin and ran out the door.

Carlisle sighed. "We should go get him back."

Edward nodded. "Also, he doesn't want them to know he can talk. I think he's enjoying being quiet, for once."

"I can see that," Esme added, looking thoughtful. "Poor dear can't have had an easy life. He was already living through all that insanity, and the outbreak just made it worse."

"You feel sorry for him? Two minutes ago you were calling him a freak of nature!" Rosalie grumbled, and Esme smiled guiltily.

"Perhaps I was a little harsh on him. Anyway, _we_ know he won't hurt them, but _they_don't know that – we really can't let them just take him back. It completely undermines our authority. Besides, who was this 'she' he was talking about?"

We all turned as a group to look at Fred, who seemed bored.

"I don't know," he said offhandedly. "Some chick named Jane."

* * *

**A/N: *peeks in* Questions? Comments? Just plain sick of the riduclousness? I'd love to hear what you're thinking!**


End file.
